Letters to the Editor
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Zen
The LW mentions Zen in an offhand way, and says he's "tried" meditation, but I think he should give it a real, committed go. Find himself a community that's practicing meditation and immerse himself. It is the one thing he's mentioned that one can be part of without ever hoping to be "the best."
I hit my 20's with the dream of getting ordained. I worked my heart out and worked long hours hoping to get recognized in my church community and sponsored for ordination. When I realized I was hopelessly trapped below the glass ceiling -- I talked about it in terms of having a genetic disorder - I lack a Y chromosome -- I had a crisis of dreams, of faith, of identity. I took a data entry job at a financial company and grieved. It was meditation that got me through. I was part of a contemplative prayer group at a church and that's where I learned the basics and the discipline to keep showing up no matter how stirred up or angry I got in the previous sitting. I read Joko Beck and Pema Chodron and Thomas Merton on how to be here, to be in this disappointing, painful life, and not be defined by it.
I miss my youthful passion and idealism, but life on this side of it is pretty darn good.
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one word
prozac.....it can really help.
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Figure out who you are trying to impress
I've been there -- feeling like a failure because I didn't have a Ph.D., hadn't founded a company, hadn't reached my potential. Finally I figured out I was still hoping to get some approval from my father. Then I figured out that I didn't want a Ph.D., didn't want to found a company, and would be happiest continuing to write software.
You want to be a musician. Give yourself permission to do that, and then do it.
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lots of people missed this: LW knows he's being hypocritical about the antidepressants versus his daily pot/booze intake (hence his joking "I know, I know."), but
that's not what I really wanted to say.
What I really wanted to say was:
1) To the LW. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, as many letters here attest. I too avoided music for a long time, worked on killing myself with perfectionism and self-hatred, but eventually found my way back to life, via musical performance.
I started small, as a humble and awkward 30-something student among child prodigies, and have slowly worked my way up to bona fide Local Professional Act. I have fans all over the world via MySpace but will never be world-famous and may never even do more than break even on my music business, so I'll always have to do other kinds of work, too. But I am deeply at peace, without prescription or illegal substances of any kind. I think you could find that peace, too. Just to ring in with everyone else here saying so, please, get back to the music, somehow. Practice in private, join a garage band of artistically childlike but sober and timely grown-ups who play cover songs from the 80s, enroll in a community college jazz combo, whatever.
You will have your moments of grandiose, overwrought ambition and you'll wonder if you can handle them--if you can handle the huge gap between your childhood dreams and the mundane realities of a working musician's life (crappy or no pay, hours on the phone to hustle one gig, tired back from lugging equipment, etc etc). You can handle it. Unrealistic ambitions start to fritter away if you simply get a chance to play out for people with good bandmates. It doesn't even matter how well the audience is listening. I can't begin to describe or explain the bliss I get from playing corny sixty-year-old jazz standards as musical "wallpaper" in restaurants where only one or two people are even bothering to listen. Those are happy practice sessions for the four or five genuine concerts that my band will manage to play this year, rare but joyous events where people will really be listening and will really send all sorts of love and admiration and warmth back to the bandstand.
Get back to the music. It could save your life.
2) To Cary: thanks for one of your best responses EVER.
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You have to get back into music
You don't need to make a living at it. You don't need to do it professionally. But if you are a musician, you need to make music or you go crazy.
I screwed up my hands at age 17 or 18, and spent the next 10 years or so trying to deny that I ever wanted to be a musician, getting a good education in something else, working in a responsible job, and being so miserable I couldn't even tell that life could be any other way. I felt like I'd had something amputated. I could not read musicians' biographies without crying. And I was doing fine, by all external standards - fancy education, prestigious job, good friends, good relationship. It wasn't enough. I felt like a failure, despite all the fancy degrees and fancy job. I felt like I'd thrown away my talent.
And then, 10 years later, I got another chance at making music. My comeback to music was the happiest moment of my life; I have never been that ecstatic before or since. And even though I did not become a professional musician, even though I perform only sporadically, and even though I have a demanding day job, I am happy now. My life feels complete.
Get back into music. Stay away from drinking, but do get back into music. You'll feel better.
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@curse10
I like a good STFU as much as the next guy, but Mother of Pearl! I'm sorry you can't play anymore, but you write as if you became a lawyer after being kidnapped by pirates and sold into slavery. Hey, princess: if you don't like being a corporate lawyer (or working for your particular corporation), then quit! Personally, I think you missed your calling as a motivational speaker.
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@curse10
Check this out:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89408904
It's about a pianist who learned how to make music despite not being able to use one of his hands, and his daughter, who is a physical therapist for musicians. I wonder if someone like the daughter could help you. Even if you can't play again, I hope you'll find a better outlet for your anger.
To Cary, and all of the people who have responded to this letter with empathy and good advice: Bravo, and thank you. This was one of the best SYAs ever.