Letters to the Editor
-
Living your purpose
I agree with Cary that the LW may as well accept the fact that he's a musician and deal with his stuff that comes up around that - and the first thing coming up for him is that it's hard to do it sober. So - anything you want to do really well is hard. But you know even doing anything in a mediocre kind of a way becomes hard too - that seems to be what the LW is discovering. It's not like you can do a deal where you say - alright i won't follow my dream and in return I'll take a cushy easy life. There's no such deal. It's just life and it will have a lot more meaning if you face your fears and take the risks and make the sacrifices that are necessary to living your purpose.
I also wanted to add to the suggestion about taking up exercise. I recommend running at least twenty minutes a day and lifting weights. I am a writer and prone to obsessiveness and anxiety and I find doing this as a daily discipline, religiously, keeps me safe from a lot of self imposed dangers. As well as being an achievement to meet that challenge every day, there's something about physically exhausting yourself that seems to wear out the Nazi maniac critic in my brain.
-
Even if they understand, you'll still have to decide whether to be on your own side
Today I witnessed some of my fellow parents grappling with the realization that they had passed on some unfortunate and harmful hardwiring in the psyches of their young adult kids. They grappled even more with the fact that we as parents are powerless to re-do the wiring. Some of it gets passed down genetically, some of it systemically, and we are powerless over all of it.
As literal parents we have the choice to re-do our own wiring; and we hope we can do it fast enough that we'll reduce damage going forward. We hope our kids will see us change and trust that they have our blessing in rejecting our faulty wiring. We hope to become safe people they can rely on for support as they become their true selves.
But even when parents become more conscious, even when they are willing to cheer their kids on, the bottom line is that sons and daughters have to be willing to give themselves permission to get the help required to change.
As grown children we get to be our own parents and change the things we can. It feels risky, but as long as you commit to treating yourself well no matter how it turns out, even to the point of asking for help in making the changes, anything you might risk is something you can afford to lose.
-
The difference between 20 and 30
is that at 20, the world is full of possibilities. You'll be the next Mick Jagger or Leonard Bernstein. You'll be president, olympic gold medalist, etc.
The fact is that most people aren't. Realizing that is part of growing up. You have to learn to feel satisfaction in being good, not best. And to realize that a lot of public recognition for being the 'best' is luck and marketing, not skill.
Decide if you want to be a starving musician or have a different career and a great music hobby.
Let go of your need to have someone else prove to you that you're the best and enjoy who you are.
-
a few tips
Feel free to shop for a different therapist. There may be a better one for you.
Stop worrying about what others think and focus on what you think/feel/want out of life.
Just for a change of pace, notice something you like about yourself.
Minimize contact with your family for awhile.
Give yourself a break.
-
I'll say this
I was a professional musician. I loved my life. I left that trade to conform with what was expected of me so I could buy a home and please those around me.
I am fifty-five now. I am very unhappy with who I am and as Cary says, I am haunted by what I did not do, and crushed by what I have become. I can't go to a concert without weeping as I often watch others no more capable than myself on the stage.
You need to decide whether you need to play or not, or whether your complaint is just an excuse for what you are not becoming. If it is that you should be a musician, you'd better do it.
It doesn't take long to get to fifty-five, and looking back is not easy.
Good luck
-
I get this
Wow, Cary, that was an amazing answer. LW, I can totally identify with your letter--being the first born, my parents having the high expectations for me as a sucessful, brilliant artist. The high expectations I placed on myself became an endeavor of self-destruction through the use of alcohol to numb my feelings of inadequacy. My life was consumed by one thing...intense fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of people's judgements. Fear of not being good enough, smart enough, talented enough. Fear of not being able to handle achievement. Fear & insecurities ruled my heart & my head, & it made me angry & bitter, so my drinking progressed until it finally dawned on me that what I was doing to myself could eventually kill me.
LW, when you stated in your letter that you had a big ego, what you're really saying is that you have a fragile one. We artist types are very sensitive & are often precieved as misunderstood, so it's almost as if we are cursed rather than blessed with our innate, unique talents that can sometimes spell disaster if we are not cognizant enough to realize that by punishing ourselves through self-medication, we often step over that line & wind up falling into a pit of disaster. We end up fulfilling our own self-destructive prophesies.
Please, LW, you are self-medicating your pain. If you haven't quite crossed that invisible line yet, soon you probably will. But it sounds like maybe you have. Maybe you haven't hit rock-bottom yet, but I guarantee you that if you continue to follow the path you're on right now, you will. Sounds like you've hit an emotional abyss, so the only advice I can give you is to completely stop your drug use/drinking if not now, then very soon. It will never help you deal with the dillemmas you currently face in your life, it will make them 1000 times worse. However you choose to do it, whether through cognitive therapy or group support, it's all up to YOU & you need to figure out a way to help mend your damaged soul. Good luck, & in the meantime try to do some physical working out like others have suggested, because it definately helps the body & brain to relax. Stay closest to the people who care & love you the most, & most important, please give yourself a small gift by treating yourself to something you enjoy...just for today.