Letters to the Editor
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What you really most need
First of all, if you're already drinking and smoking now, why not go back to music? But really, it's not about the drugs and drink.
The need to excel, to "do something with your life" is a common theme for an oldest child. Your young parents filled your young head with dreams of success that you subconsciously need to fulfill - for yourself, if not for them. It's hard to live up to those dreams, and harder to realize that you don't have to. You don't need medals, awards or a big income to be a success. Just one person per day saying "thanks, that was great" might suffice.
I can identify with the need to be recognized - my dad was a heart surgeon, who could live up to that? - and as a designer, I tended to keep clients that gushed over my work, and lose clients that were not vocal in their appreciation. Maybe that's why performing works for you - the audience knows to applaud at the end. Not many regular jobs have that feedback function built in.
Whatever path you choose in your life, you may need positive feedback on a regular basis. Think about your skills and where you will be most stroked. As for me, I now sell my work at art festivals, where I get compliments all day for what I do. But that, more than the money or fame, is what I most need. Maybe you are in a similar place.
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Your parents probably would be surprised to know you are still rebelling.
Parents grow up, too. They probably just want you to be happy. Where your parents and perfection are concerned, you are rebelling against something that possibly doesn't even exist any more.
I'll never forget when I finally screwed up the courage to tell my mom I wan't a Catholic any more, this after being dragged to church and catechism throughout my childhood, even during camping trips for God's sake. She looked slightly perplexed at my obvious discomfort and said "Well, sure, sweetie, that's fine. Everyone has to find what works for them."
So, I'm just saying--you've got a lot going on and I wish you well, and you can lighten your load a little by letting the parent/perfection thing go. Let it just slip away.
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beautiful
Cary's advice was excellent. I'm not at all the kind of person you are, so I would be very bad at giving you advice, but I can say this much: Cary is right about one thing. It's really bad to try to make yourself believe something you know in your soul isn't true. You know in your soul you are a musician. It's your dream. Trying to believe a lie is killing you from the inside.
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more variety please
I sympathize with the LW, and I have no problem with anyone writing in to Cary about any problems that they have.
But I wish that there was more variety in the types of letters that are answered. Lately every other letter seems to be from a troubled, often addicted artist- can't get published, can't decide whether to go to grad school, can't play without drinking... I realize that as a former addict and a writer, Cary has a special affinity for those people. I also realize that he's entitled to answer any letter he chooses and that he doesn't choose who writes to him. So it's not a criticism, just a wish.
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Grow the fuck up
I have a BM. I made my living as a musician for more years than you. My doctors told me I had to stop playing, stop practicing for eight hours a day. That rendered my career absolutely useless (I was a professional, classical violist). So don't whine about being a fucking alcoholic- that's something you can fix. I cannot fix my wrists, my elbows, my shoulders, my neck. You have it good, dude. My musical career is over because I worked too hard and my body couldn't take it, not because I was someone who couldn't control my alcohol intake. I would give anything to be in your place.
Now? I'm a corporate lawyer who hates herself. There are fates worse than yours. And to hear you whine about it makes me sick.
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More letters from addicts is fine
Just so you know, i like them.
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Cary's been there..and the part about parenting yourself...very moving.
I lived in terror for decades, soul was murdured, and by God's grace survived and am now happy. By God's grace I did not have drugs or alcohol (temporary anesthetics) for my suffering would have been worse, more desperate, more despairing. By God's grace I got through the eye of a needle without medication.
I was undeservedly ostracized by all. Madness.
Somewhere you, LW, can face yourself, accept yourself, love yourself for YOU - and by God's grace you can do it without alcohol or drugs.
God's grace.
Cary's response to LW - a precious gem.
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Just a side note...
When they're working properly, antidepressants neither "dope you up" nor numb you to pain. They just allow you to function in spite of the pain rather than drowning in it, so you can figure out why the hell it hurts so much in the first place.
There's nothing wrong with not wanting to hurt so much you can't function.
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JenniferC - You're right about the gifted label being a problem
So much of this letter is me, although I never turned to drugs or alcohol. I had read about the study JenniferC refers to, which suggests that you refrain from telling your kids they are smart and instead praise their hard work.
Boy, do I wish my parents had gotten that advice. I was one of those kids. Tested near genius level at the age of five, always at the top my class all the way through high school. My parents must have told me a million times how smart and wonderful and perfect I was and how I could go to Stanford and be whatever I wanted to be. How can anybody live up to all that?
Most things came easily to me. I not only wanted to do well, but to be better than everyone else. I was quiet about it, but always driven to excel in academics because that's where I naturally excelled. Otherwise, forget it. Sports? No way. Too hard. Soooo, when I got out of college, I was faced with unknown world. Where do I fit in? Where can I excel? I'm good at school! What else am I good at? Where else is "being smart" good enough? I never could figure it out. I wouldn't call myself a total screw-up. I always managed to be employed and support myself in some manner, I never got into anything unsavory, but I always have been, outside of academics, a complete underachiever. In my late twenties, I finally entered graduate school, and once again, I was at home, an absolute star. But due to some unforeseen and unbearable personal circumstances, I made the most difficult decision of my life, which was to leave the comfort of grad school and return to real life. I have never gone back. I'm now a stay at home mom, and I like my life, but I will always feel like a complete and utter failure in many ways because I have this "gift" which continues to lie dormant within this brain of mine.
At age 40, I'm now trying to figure out what to do about it all.
Anyway, I don't really have any advice, just some sympathy. I hope you figure it out. You sound interesting and talented, and I hope you find your way. I have a good feeling about your future.