Letters to the Editor
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The Third Reason
And do you believe he has a noble relationship to his work, or one that is craven and dishonest?
This is a false dichotomy, or at least an incomplete one. There are other possible reasons, Cary, one in particular that you even touch on. Maybe he simply "lack[s] a need for outward success." That need be neither noble nor craven (nor lazy for that matter, which you unfairly tack on to the fear at the end).
Some people are not driven by their professional lives. Frankly, I envy them. To write them off as frightened, lazy liars unless they somehow find nobility in their "lesser" professional pursuits is offensive.
Education does matter in a relationship because it helps individuals communicate ideas and feelings.
Clearly, the LW and her beau communicate, and they do it well. They "laugh all the time about stupid things and serious things." They achieve peace at the end of their arguments. Seems to be they're doing fine.
LW. Maybe your boy is simply content to live his life happily, to pursue a job that pays well enough but doesn't demand his soul or all of his energy. I get that it's hard for you to wrap your head around that concept, what with you heading for a 100 hour a week internship, but some people prefer to keep that energy out of their professional lives and leave it in their personal lives. If your boy is like that (and it sounds like he is) he's a keeper.
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Must the choice be made now?
LW, why can't you just chill and enjoy a part of your life that is good while it is good? Why spoil it and everything else in your life by demanding to see the future and how it will fit into your idea of "success"? If you have a child, is this how you will think of it and drive its life? You have a good, happy relationship NOW, just enjoy it and let it take its course.
Yes, you will be surrounded by driven, "successful" people in your field for the rest of your life. You may fall in love with one of them. That doesn't mean that you have to dump your boyfriend now. Enjoy him now - he may grow in the future or not. I certainly hope you will grow in the future and begin to understand that working on your career at the expense of everything else isn't the most important thing in life. For your sake, your boyfriend, future boyfriend, children, or whatever.
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If...
1) if he loves you for what you are: smart, educated, ambitious
2) and you love him for what he is: stable, loving, fun to be with, happy with his life and with you in it.
In short, if you want to make him over like a velveteen rabbit, you will never be happy. If you are happy because HE is happy, then you will be happy. I would be more concerned if he was threatened by your education and ambition than if he had any of his own.
But then, fifteen years ago, I had a BS from a top college and married a military enlisted man with a HS education. He brags about my achievements: where I went to school, the best-selling books I wrote, how smart I am. I think he's the cat's meow and what he wants out of life is just fine with me. His ambitions have been different than my own, but I have supported him right along the way. My ambitions have been different than his, but he has always been my anchor in the high seas of achievement. It's been a great 15 years.
This guy has no problem with ambition... but maybe you do.
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The more you desire him to change...
...the less likely you will see those changes happen. Your letter sounds painfully familiar to my last relationship. He was a man who loved me for who I was, and I could completely relax and be myself around him. He openly accepted spending time with my family and friends, and he fit well within my lifestyle. Also, when we met he was working full-time at Blockbuster and taking a scenic part-time path through college. It wasn't that he needed to work full-time just to pay for it (his parents supported his brother through a 4 year private college so that he didn't even need a part-time job), it was just that it took him about 5 years to settle on a major.
I believed that if I could provide emotional support for him while he worked on graduating that he could see how much potential he had. I didn't care if he got a high level professional job, I just wanted to see him in a stable job. And even a year after his graduation, he was still bouncing around from temp jobs. I was working on PhD applications, and he was doing temp work. Then when I had the opportunity to relocate and asked if he would come with me, he balked because he wanted to become stable on his own and wouldn't let me support him.
Our relationship fell apart because eventually, all of his love and support failed to compensate for the fact that we had incompatible lives. If this relationship is going to survive, it may require him being willing to relocate with your for your residency - and accept that he may not find a new job immediately. Will you resent him for that? How will you feel about your boyfriend with your parents? If they don't approve of his lack of ambition - will you feel good standing up for him? Can you accept him never having another kind of job? Will he be happy playing Mr. Mom when you have to work on the weekend? Will you be happy having a partner who does that?
Maybe this is something you can get past. It wasn't something I could, and it eroded other aspects of our relationship. I would try to help him find jobs to apply to, he resented me for it, then I stopped looking and gave up on him. I didn't need him to want to get a PhD, but I needed him to have ambition. And his didn't match mine.