Letters to the Editor
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blahblahblah
I exceeded the limit on that last entry, but it's worth mentioning that 10 minutes before I saw yesterday's post, I noticed the equivalent of The Problem in yesterday's letter is in jail again (I think my role is that of The Brother - the LW should call him and let him know what's going on) and while I was proofreading my last letter-to-the-editor, my favorite ex-girlfriend/McEx-Wife (the only one that doesn't seem to be drunk on status - it's only med-School) got in touch for the first time in years.
People will tell you it doesn't matter. In the grand scheme of things, your problem doesn't. But in the context of your life, it might. I don't quite understand the little tides the world seems to ride on, but they're there. Don't burn a bridge while deciding what you want.
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Someday you will meet your equal and then some
I don't argue with what the other letter writers have said. This arrangement might work out. Logically it seems like it creates a lot of balance. He has more time and flexibility than you will and that will help you get through what is coming.
But there will come a day, when you will meet your real match. Someone who is as ambitious or disciplined as you are, accomplished, and very attractive. You will have a very difficult time resisting that. Especially after your partner has 'hitched himself' to you and supported you to where ever you have gotten. You will feel obligated to hang in there, and that is not a good reason to be there.
Having been there, its not pretty. Its hard to get out of that situation and hard not to feel bad. But ultimately, you need to be with someone who can match what you can do yourself. Really, there is a reason why you are in different places right now, and later those habits will come up. Especially if you plan to have a family.
I say holdout and wait.
I also fell in love with someone who was 'simple' and supported me thru a 7 year professional climb. While I worked, he supported me at home, being my 'rock'. But I ended up feeling like whatever we would have as a couple, I would have to achieve on my own. We lacked a common ground of personal habits and orientation. I never felt like I could have a family, financially. Then one day, I realized that instead of being part of a partnership I felt like I was carrying someone else. Suddenly, it was hard to feel romantically attached. I needed to get out.
Later I met someone who was in a totally different field. Just as accomplished as I was. I could look to as an equal in every way. Actually had a family, and 8 years later, as happy as ever. There is a lot of common ground. When there are issues, we can communicate and understand. Above all, it is EQUAL.
Wait a little longer ....
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accept that your gender roles are reversed and be grateful
When you apply to residency programs will your boyfriend be willing to follow you so that you can go to the best possible placement? Will he make you lunch and have dinner waiting when you get home? Will he play the role of supportive spouse? Will he stay home or work part-time and take care of the kids? If so, count yourself lucky and accept his high school education and his desire to stay in a stable but not very lucrative or demanding job.
Finally, if you have a guy secure enough in himself to date someone clearly more successful and possibly more intelligent, then I say hang on to him. Many of the men that I have dated ended up driving me crazy with their need to prove themselves better than me in some way.
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hmm
Wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a world where only men had careers? I think this woman would be so happy there.
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One-Dimensional BF? Probably Not.
"It bothers me that he has been gifted with health, and a sound mind, a good supportive family, and he doesn't want to make the best of it."
The best of what? LW focuses on the BF's job and apparent lack of ambition. But does he do anything else? Does he have a day job so that he can pursue other interests, passions, like music, art, community volunteer work that wouldn't pay well professionally? Is he happy enough so that he can pay the bills and enjoy other parts of his life? Is that such a bad thing? Is he socking some money away to start his own family and/or have some security in later years?
LW's description is very limited. There are guys who can have a safe, boring job because they're boring, unambitious people. But, as stated above, there are others who use their paycheck to fuel "extracurricular" activities, the kinds that make them interesting, dynamic, and fun people. In this case, the job doesn't speak to their shallowness; it's another responsible way to approach life.
If BF's situation continually nags at LW, if she's consistently uncomfortable with it, then she may never muster the respect and affection required of a long-term relationship. But if BF is a man who has in common with her some very important values, and they're compatible in numerous ways, then maybe she can take a step back and take stock of who he really is and what she admires about him.
If, at bottom, she doesn't really respect him, then it's a done deal. She oughtn't make a commitment to someone who she can't speak of proudly in private and public. If she has to force herself to think well of him, it will never work--and he'll certainly recognize her resentment in time, if he hasn't already.
LW is certainly young enough to allow herself to meet other people. Sometimes we have to be in a different stage of life (i.e., older) to acknowledge what compatibility really means to us (more than just laughing and agreeing, although they're good things).
LW, make a list (really), think about the pros and cons. If you can't conclude that he's a man you admire and want to proudly and comfortably introduce to others with no excuses or apology, then you ought to let him go so that he can find a woman with whom he can have reciprocal affectionate and respectful feelings without condescension on either side.