Letters to the Editor
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Over time, you'll only respect him
less, not more. He'll gradually come to sense this and to resent you. Secretly hate you, even, although it will take awhile to fester. Disaster, heartbreak, tearful recriminations, half-hearted reconciliations, disillusionment, disintegration. A heart as hard as leather. Aw baby, let's get married; we've been alone too long. Let's be alone together -- let's see if we're that strong.
Or, you could decide that he's the one for you and decide, decisively, that you will respect and honor him, and that you will expect the same from him. Then there's only a 50 percent chance of disaster, heartbreak, tearful recriminations, half-hearted reconciliations, disintegration, total disillusionment, and a heart as hard as leather.
Hey man, those are the odds we get. Your move.
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um, you both deserve "better".......
the issue is not the lack of education, which is a red herring, but the difference of values that runs deep. Part of LW's values calls for profound respect of educational and professional success. That has fueled her own drive to initiate med school, a guaranteed ramp to some level of functional and professional success in this country. One might question the authenticity and depth of that value, given that it is part of the cultural trappings of the emegre Asian community and may not be deeply intrinsically felt, but for now, at 24, LW feels strongly about success, education and assertiveness in the professional workplace.
And, LW's BF doesn't. he is happy with a 9/5 job, traveling at a solid 50 miles an hour, clock in, clock out. While some of the other stories that speak movingly about cultural and educational differences in letters posted in response are rich, even inspiring, the core behind those elegant stories was a shared value of mutual appreciation and an embracing of the differences between the two individuals. LW cannot embrace this profound difference. I would prefer to suggest that that is not shallowness, which some writers have averred, but rather a reflection of complex cultural values that she holds.......and are not all that malliable in mid-stream while battering her way through med school.
In truth, both LW and BF should look for something better. what that is remains to be seen for LW, and I might suggest thqat polishing off med school and reassessing her life after she achieves that substantive cultural goal, might be a useful, even essential, step. In other words, she doesn't know what is better now, and with that focus on education and the grind of med school, there is hardly the contemplative and operational time to achieve that. As for BF, I feel for him.. he has done nothing but be unambitious. In this world, there are far worse crimes, to say the least.......
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LW, you are very young..
LW, you are very young and that isn't a bad thing at all. But your experience with life and your identity is that of a hoop-jumping achiever. Because you are young this is all you know about life.
So this guy who seems to be perfect for you lives a life outside of your realm of understanding. He isn't jumping through hoops. He's sitting on the sidelines, sipping his drink of choice, living pretty happily. And you can't fathom that. In fact, it may be disconcerting to you (your letter to Cary proves my observation). Why is it hard for you to jump while letting him sit? Are you worried that your children might be psychologically confused by an over achieving mother and laissez faire father?
And because you lack the small bit of maturity that says "live and let live" and "don't sweat the small stuff", you've decided to make him your new assignment and "fix" him. But him being more ambitious won't make your relationship better, won't make him a better person, make him treat you better, or make you the perfect couple.
If he became less of himself and more of what you want him to be, he might not have time to love you the way he does now. He might have more meetings and new acquaintances to get to know. And then before you know it, no matter how attractive and smart and good on paper you are, something might go missing. Ambition doesn't make you better, but it will change things.
So the real issue is this:
How much do you respect your boyfriend? 'Cause sometimes you have to respect a grown man's decisions about his own life. He isn't a crackhead, a drug dealer, or homeless. He isn't cheating on you or boring you. He doesn't have kids or major issues that impede or complicate your relationship.
If there is one complication, its you trying to "fix" him. Not everyone wants to or is meant to jump hoops. Maybe you need a man who isn't jumping hoops in order to calm your hoopin' @ss down!
Just something to consider when you're not thinking less of him, but ACTING like his choices about his life aren't good enough for you.
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It can work...
Some relationships like this one work, and some don't. We can see plenty of examples of both cases from all the previous letters. Looking at the letters written by people who are in successful relationships with a partner whose education level is significantly lower or higher, two defining characteristics pop out: 1) each partner accepts and respects the other for exactly who he/she is. 2)each partner is secure with him/herself.
If either one looks down on the other, or if either one feels threatened or insecure, the relationship will not work. I've seen situations in which the less 'ambitious' partner either tries to sabotoge the other's career goals or is unsupportive because he/she truly doesn't understand why those career goals are so important. I've also seen instances of the more educated/ambitious partner being a total snob toward the other.
It's also important for you to be compatible in other ways. You need to have compatible goals for where you want to live, what kind of lifestyle you want, your expectations of each other, whether traditional gender roles matter to either one of you, if/when to have children and who will be the primary care-taker,...all that. I also think that the partners should have comparable levels of intelligence. (education is *not* always indicative of someone's intelligence)
Making this relationship will not be easy, because there is a fundamental part of each of you that the other doesn't understand or relate to. However, if you both respect and support each other, you have a chance. The question is: can you both really, truly do that? Be honest with yourselves, and use that answer to make your decision.