Letters to the Editor
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this advice is self-righteous and BOOOOOOOORING
bring a guy home. keep bringing guys home.
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Been there done that
Cary's advice was spot-on. When i was in a somewhat similar situation, however, I did it differently.
I met a woman in a social setting, we clicked, we talked, there was chemestry, we spent a wonderful weekend talking and being intimate. we stayed connected, and then - she lost her job, and thus her ability to sustain her apartment, and was evicted. She asked if she could stay "until she got her feet under her", and in a moment of generosity, I accommodated her needs in my two-room grad student flat.
Turns out she was a boozer (which is why her "viciously unfair" employer released her, as I began to piece together a reality far, far different from the fantasy this woman was living......) and while reasonably clever, not so clever as to hide all of the evedence. When I asked her to move, she became teary and spoke movingly of suicide. The conversaqtions became repetitive, and when I suggested that I would change the locks, she threatened to set fire to her car in front of the apartment buidling with her in it.......She accused me of being cruel, vicious and disturbed, clearly creating a circumstance where I felt guilty for wanting my privacy, my personal space and a booze-free apartment. This impasse lasted for several weeks, during which time I spent more and more time on campus, and less in my own home, exploring options that involved something other than circular harangues. The options for men are few and far between, If I threw her out physically, she could raise all kinds of slanderous charges. She had never threatened me physically in a way that I could convincingly document, and so I did not have the potential for constructed legal action.
So, I scraped together some pennies, rented her a furnished efficiency apartment (on the other side of town) and then, when she was out binging one long weekend, moved her stuff in, changed the locks, and waited on the doorstep for her to return, her keys to her new residence in my hand. In the apartment, waiting for her, was a bottle of her favorite booze, a list of AA meetings in the area and a minimal, but decent stock of food in the fridge. I also had a moving chat with the local police station, noted the specifics of the circumstance, and spoke of the timing of my gameplan.
The scene was ugly, no doubt about it. Weeks later, residents a block away were still discussing it. It ended with her leaving in a storm, yelling and shrieking at the top of her lungs about my perfidity, keys in hand while a police cruiser drove by, ever so slowly.
As a precaution, I closed all of my credit cards and had new ones reissued, checked my checkbook for missing checks and when I found two, notified the bank with a stoporder. I changed my phone number and de-listed it. And, I thanked the cops.
I never heard from her again.
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What about the brother?
I suggest you make all the arrangements for changing the locks, and leaving his stuff outside, and backup, and pre-notifying the cops, just as everybody else suggests. Plan it for a time when you know the guy will be out. (It seems from your letter that he works sometimes.)
AND, contact the brother.
Tell the brother that you are kicking the guy out on such-and-such a date and time. Do not try to convince the brother to take the bum in. Just let him know, and tell the brother that you do not believe the guy has anywhere to go. If the brother asks, "What do you expect me to do about it?!" just say, "I am just letting you know. Do whatever you wish."
There's is about an 90% chance the brother will take the guy in.
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Ingore the legal losers here; throw him out instantly.
He's never paid a penny in rent; as far as I know, there's no state where he has any rights to stay. That's almost beside the point, because as an alcoholic homeless person he simply won't be be able to take you to court, even if there were a law on his side.
If you have a couple of loyal friends, it'd be easy, get them all over and force him out. Otherwise, I'd call the police and say, "An abusive homeless man is in my house and I can't get rid of him." Hammer the key points: he's never paid rent; you've been asking him to leave for a long time; he yells at you; you once had an order of protection against him.
Your very existence is at stake - he is literally "hitting you where you live" - you literally cannot have a normal life until he is gone. Avoid lying if you can but hamming it up is a very reasonable suggestion.
But I strongly suggest the "a couple of big friends" strategy. Once he's really outside your house, he's out - even if he theoretically has legal rights, it's his word against yours. (And again, I don't believe that there's any state where someone can stay for a couple of weeks, contribute not a penny, and then have a legal right to stay forever as the result of that...)
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re: "I scraped together some pennies, rented her a furnished efficiency apartment (on the other side of town)"
DON'T do this, LW!
(1) you should NOT spend one more penny supporting this user,
(2) when loser doesn't pay rent at new place, they'll sue you for the rent since you rented the apartment for him and the lease is in your name!
NO!
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Much as I hate to admit it,
I had the almost identical situation but with a man I had had a very twenty year relationship with. His alcholism and mental health issues (depression, PTSD) lost him his business, his home--everything. He was homeless and I let him stay with me "temporarily". Why? I no longer loved him nor did I want us to be together. But I felt a responsibility for him after all our years together. The temporary stay stretched into months.
As an earlier poster noted, in Florida, a two weeks stay meant he was a tenant and the police could not/would not force him to leave. But, bless their hearts, they talked him into leaving "voluntarily"--he was drunk and they had uniforms. I changed the locks six hours later.
What saved my life was Alanon. It took months and months of meetings (I guess I'm a slow learner) to reach the point where I could accept that I had no control over him and his life, only over me and my life. All my friends rolling their eyes and telling me incessantly to kick him out didn't do it. It was the support of other women who understood why it was so hard to do that gave me the strength to reclaim my life.
Talk to law enforcement and an attorney to find out what the law is in your area. Go to an Alanon meeting and understand that you are not the only person who has done what she shouldn't in an attempt to rescue someone whom she once loved. When you are ready--and writing to CT is a good start--you will do what you know you need to do.
Good luck. My thoughts are with you.