Letters to the Editor
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WTF???
This man is an adult. How is his having no other place to go your problem???
Kick him out & change the locks - he'll never go away on his own.
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A helpful link
http://www.schlage.com/
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Good grief!
After your first experience with this man, why on earth did you let him back in your house? Get some boundaries, girlfriend!
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This Situation May Be Even Worse Than You Think
Hold on a minute ... and consider this thought: "Drunken Unemployed Emotionally Abusive Former (or Current? It's not really clear) Boyfriend" may actually be "Drunken Unemployed Emotionally Abusive HUSBAND" by now.
Check this website: http://www.ncsl.org/programs/cyf/commonlaw.htm
According to that website, ten states currently recognize common-law marriage: "Before modern domestic relations statutes, couples became married by a variety of means that developed from custom. These became the elements of a "common-law marriage," or a marriage that arose by operation of law through the parties' conduct, instead of through a ceremony. In many ways, the theory of common-law marriage is one of estoppel - meaning that parties who have told the world they are married should not be allowed to claim that they are not married in a dispute between the parties themselves."
I lived in Colorado (yes, it's one of the 10 states listed) for a while, with a boyfriend, many years ago. One of my extremely conservative coworkers did not approve of living together before marriage. She informed me that in Colorado, all a man and a woman had to do to be considered common-law husband and wife was to spend one night together in the same room.
I don't know if that was really true or not, but it sure creeped me out. LW, depending on the state you live in, does the thought that you might accidentally be married to this jerk creep you out? To take these creepy thoughts one step further, is your state of residence a community property state?
My hope is that, if you find creeped-out feelings to be motivational, they will help you find the will power to follow the excellent advice many other posters have offered, and boot the bum out.
No need to be coy, Roy ... just get yourself free.
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maybe she's afraid of what he might do
I think there's a combination of fear and identification with the abuser going on. This person might even be suffering from PTSD.
I say this from personal experience. My ex once called the police and told them I was killing her, and had me arrested. (In LA, after OJ Simpson, the police usually arrest in response to such calls.) It took me 3 years to have the case dismissed. She later confessed to me that she did that because I threatened to leave her. After that I was even afraid to file for divorce; I really didn't know what she would do.
I did finally divorce her. But long after our divorce she kept blackmailing me by threatening to get me into trouble (like she did when she called the police).
This woman could have fears unknown to us. Let's show some sympathy.
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I once evicted my son...many years later he agreed I did the right thing. Here are some suggestions.
These steps would be coordinated to take place on the same day. This will require planning and execution.
* Pre-pay one month rental of air conditioned self-storage cubicble. Transport and neatly arrange the possessions in the cubicle.
* Install new locks in your home the same day.
* Prepare a letter of explanation telling him you have relocated his belongings and where he may go to find them. Provide directions, instructions to the storage locker,unit number of locker, key or password to the locker as the case may be. Let him know you bave simultaneously changed the locks to your home and he is not to return to your home.
* Have the letter packet delivered to him by local courier service to a place where he works on a day that he works.
* Enclose $500 ( or whatever sum you can afford ) to help him with finding a place to rent.
* Obtain the restraining order beforehand, if you can, and simultaneously enclose a copy of it in the letter - so he knows he is not to come back to your place when he receives the packet delivered by courier.
* If he owes debts to you, list them and then waive them - but make sure they are itemized.
* Change your phone #, use caller ID, whatever.
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Yes, sensible and compassionate
Even before I got to the end of Cary's response, I felt the response itself was "sensible and compassionate."
LW's decision to give a sick person room and board was sensible and compassionate, all things being equal. The problem is that addiction does not respond "home care" like other illnesses.
Let's play the movie out differently. A woman has a tumultuous relationship with a villain/hero whose brain tumor results in reprehensible behavior. She kicks in out.
Time passes, and one day our protagonist opens the door to find that this man, whom she once loved, is sicker than ever. In fact, he is so near death that he looks harmless and who in her right mind would say No to providing help? She nurses him in the last weeks of his life. He dies. No one blames her OR him for that. She becomes rich when someone buys their story and makes a movie about it.
But this isn't a movie, and this isn't a sickness that responds nicely to help. In our real-life story, the former couple is dealing with alcoholism. The things we normally do to aid a dying person (nurse, support, comfort, feed) only feed this disease by supporting the body that houses the disease. But she has no way to know that, because she knows nothing about alcoholism as a primary, morbid, progressive, chronic illness.
The disease doesn't mind hurting LW anymore than it cares for him, and that's why she needs to know what protection is available to her. The advice that she learn more about the disease she's dealing with (from others who've learned to take care of themselves with the sensibility and compassion they want to extend to others) is sound.
To all of the "just kick him out and shut up" writers, I would remind you that she tried that the first time. That's what set her up for this episode.
LW, Life is giving you a chance to learn to do it differently, no matter who you become involved with. This alcoholic has choices for recovery that he can't exercise, because his disease apparently won't let him do that until he has absolutely nowhere else to go.
You have choices, too, but if you don't know what they are, it's the same as not having a choice. There are more choices than "keep my life simple by living alone" or "feed a sick person's disease by letting him live with me." If you choose to take Cary's advice on finding a good Al-Anon meeting, you'll get more choices and the power to exercise them.