Letters to the Editor
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There's really no need to see a lawyer
Although you would get better advice than you will from Cary.
You're not a landlord, he's not a tenant. He doesn't pay rent. He's a non-paying guest. It's as simple as not letting him back in. If he causes trouble, call the police. You will get another restraining order if he tries to break into your house or assault you. End of story.
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Oh, for Pete's Sake!
1) Kick him out. It is really that simple.
2) Ask yourself why you welcomed this drama.
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nkennedy, I agree
Next time that guy leaves the house, throw his shit out on the lawn and call the cops when he comes back - he's trespassing.
Don't tell him 'you have to be out by tomorrow at xxx' - he'll rip off your stuff or break it. As soon as he leaves, change the locks and buy a Taser...
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change the locks
end of story
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First: Change the Locks!
"You acted in a sensible, compassionate way, and now you are in a mess." Cary, are you kidding? What was sensible about letting this guy back into her life?
I don't think she ought to go into a whole legal schpiel up front. I think she should find--or create--an opportunity for him to leave the house/apt and then just change the locks! And don't let him back in! Eviction, schmeviction. Her safety needs to come first, without delay. If he bangs on the door, call the cops. If he has the wherewithal, he can attempt to take legal action against her after the fact. She can deal with that then, and probably won't be given a hard time. But chances are he won't be able to. It's a sort of "shoot first, ask questions later" deal.
She should take immediate self-protective action without apology. LW, honey, you gotta let go of this guy. Like, forever. And do what Cary said about wising up to signs of alcoholism/drug abuse in others, and how to avoid them. Get help figuring out why you're attracted/sympathetic toward such a person, and how to move on and get more appropriate, productive people into your life.
Hard as it may be, you've got to write this guy off. You can be compassionate at a distance, wish him best of luck, and so on. But you've got to steel yourself against destructive (and self-destructive) behavior that will only lead you to live, unneccessarily, a miserable life.
What do you really, really want for yourself? Can you achieve that by enabling, catering to, and coddling alcoholics? The guy needs professional help, and it's a shame that our society doesn't have adequate health care for all. But you can't take the place of the pros.
Look after yourself, first and foremost. You're no good to anyone, especially yourself, if you don't get your head and your priorities straight and live your life in a way that's gratifying and productive.
No guilt!
Change the locks! Now!
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Let me help you pack ....
Based on the LW's letter I'd have to agree with nkennedy on this. I don't think this is a landlord-tenant relationship in the legal sense. The LW agreed to let this guy stay with her as long as he didn't drink. He has failed to live up to that agreement and it sounds like she has asked him to make arrangements to move out repeatedly and he's not taking her seriously.
LW, here's some advice from experience: what you need is to make a plan and then stick with it. Get the plan in motion without him knowing. Seriously, if he thinks in advance you may actually follow through you're going to come home one day and find he all your electronics missing.
Carey's right about calling the police. I suspect they won't do a lot but it would be helpful to have a record of what you're going to do if things go bad. Advise them of your plan and when you're going to put it into place. Also call a couple of social agencies and see what's available in the way of homeless shelters. Write some contact names and numbers down for him. Contact an emergency locksmith and try to set up to have your locks changed while your roomie is out. Obviously it helps if you know in advance when he'll be out.
Get a friend or relative, or a couple and fill them in on what you're planning to do. If at all possible have them with you while you do it and for some time afterwards. The next time your roomie is at work, or out anywhere, pack all his stuff (I'm guessing there's not a lot), add the shelter list, and put it on the doorstep. Include a brief note advising him that he's no longer welcome in your home and that he is not to try and contact you again. Make it clear that you will call the police if he comes on your property again. Good idea to keep a copy yourself. Get the locks changed right away, or as soon as possible. Update the police.
Then, password your computer, check all your financial records (hopefully they're not lying around somewhere) to ensure that he doesn't have the ability to bill anything to you or your accounts. Change credit card numbers if you even think he's had access. Consider changing your phone number. If he comes back phone the police.
Sound harsh? Maybe. This guy has got your number. He knows you feel for him and he knows that so far you've been bluffing about him leaving. This situation will only get worse for you the longer you wait.
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Manipulator
He is playing this game with you and although you sound kind and thoughtful you've forgotten yourself here.
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simple?
i didn't sense a lot of waffling on the part of the LW here. she wants him out. ok. but she can't physically throw him out or force him to leave. this is further complicated by the fact that this man has a history of violence which is exacerbated by his alcoholism.
sure she can throw his things on the street and change the lock, but the point is that this does put her in some jeopardy. does this mean she has no options? no. but i think cary is right to suggest she get as much specialized information as possible. the police should know beforehand about the situation so that there can be a traceable history of complaints/worry. she should have legal advice: she should have every shred of information which can help her to feel confident in her right to live without this man intruding on her life.
further, since he won't listen to her reasonable arguments, knowing that according to other noted social authorities she does have rights entitling her to arrangements more to her choosing may help to shift the power imbalance.