Letters to the Editor
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You know...
"How we met" stories really don't matter as much as whether or not your relationship works out in the long run. BTW, I met my first husband (gag) and my current beau at the same bar (many years apart, of course.) I've told him I can't wait until we're married so I can tell people "I meet ALL my husbands at the Triple Crown!" teehee.
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Romance Novel Poisoning
Oh and TV, movies, as well. Because they specialize in what is literally called the "Meet Cute" -- the hero and heroine must intially meet and be attracted to each other in some quirky, extreme or humorous situation...and it's always instant chemistry, fireworks and let's not forget that everyone is always young, healthy, thin and super-attractive. (And usually white and wealthy as well.)
In the real world, this is a small minority of people. Most couples meet in fairly mundane ways -- they work together, or attend the same church, or live in the same apartment. Or have mutual friends. Most people take a while to warm up to one another. Quick, fiery attractions typically die quick, fiery deaths.
In a high tech age, when many of us live fairly isolated lives and don't have a lot of good ways to connect (or we are older or divorced or not the type to hang out at clubs), the internet has come to be a very effective way to find a partner.
I met my husband through personal ads (this was slightly before the internet became really mainstream). This was even MORE disreputable -- personal ads had a repuation of being for real losers...people who couldn't get dates or who were unattractive. I WAS slightly embarassed over this initially, so when people asked (and they did ask, all the time), I came up with some vague story ("we met at work").
Over time, I just stopped caring so I tell the truth. The commonest responses I get are "oh cool! my brother met his wife that way" or something. And after 15 years, honestly few people ask. They are more likely to ask someone in a new relationship. I also noticed most of the people who asked were themselves looking for a partner, and wondered how I managed to do it when they themselves couldn't.
At any rate, internet dating is so common now that it is entirely mainstream. Someone would have to be awfully dense or isolated or totally computer illiterate (maybe your 90 year old Aunt Nancy?) to find this strange. And it's obvious by now that the most attractive and desirable people are just as likely to be found online as the geekiest nerds. The stigma is really gone.
SO....LW, if it makes you feel better, make up a "meet cute" story for yourself. Just makes sure your boyfriend is on the same page with this, or you'll quickly get outted.
But honestly, it's nothing and in time, nobody will bother to even ask about it.
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How we met . . . (@syoung2007 and others)
I met my ex-husband through friends. I met my first serious boyfriend in college by saying "Would you like a box of animal crackers" and then having a one-night stand with him that turned into a three-year relationship. Since my divorce, I've met men on the Metro (if he asks about my knitting, I don't assume he's interested in the craft, I go into full flirt mode), at the ice rink, in the bookstore, at work, and online. Online does seem to work best, and I'm currently seeing someone monogamously if not seriously who I met through Craig's List (if you can't find it on Craig's List, you don't need it). It seems like my current guy might last longer than the couch I found on Craig's List when I moved out fast and needed some cheap furniture. If he lasts as long as the babysitter I found on Craig's List, I'll be thrilled. Either way, he's kind and attractive to me, I enjoy his company, and he apparently likes and is attracted to me.
Online works, especially once one has baggage (kids, responsibilities, tight schedules) because one can list the absolute taboos (no smokers or no-one who thinks Yanni has actual musical merit or whatever), state honestly one's own strong points and limitations, and do some general getting to know one another before spending time clearing the schedule to meet.
LW: The real question is, are you ashamed of your new friend or are you ashamed of how you met? What is actually bothering you. Figure it out and address it. Saying everyone does something doesn't make it okay (at least that's what I tell my eight-year old), but you can take comfort that there aren't many urban over-thirties in the U.S. who don't go online to get some action in some form or another at least once in a while. Come up with a funny, truthful anecdote about you and your swain. Think of fun, flattering stories to tell about him (he should do the same). I think the most amazing thing about your story is that he was your very first online date. So it really is one of those thunderbold/love at first sight stories. You had been looking and then -- wham! -- you turned this corner and there he was. And you searched no further. Flattering to him and to you. Make it funny or make it mushy, but you've got a story that will make everyone who has ever tried online dating (again, every urban or suburban adult over age 30) jealous. Ham it up.
If you can't make good news out of these nice circumstances in which you find yourself, you need to figure that out. Pessimists may be more realistic in viewing life, but optimists do have a better time. Find a way to see this 3/4 full glass as "almost full" rather than "nearly half empty."
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Typo
I meant "thunderbolt" not "thunderbold" obviously. And for all other typos, well, I apologize.
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Orchestrated love is just as sweet...
To answer your question, LW, about the reason why I think that many folks, and maybe you, are self-conscious about how you found love via online dating sites is because it shows your level of desperation for love through the blantant orchestration of a love connection.
No magic, no happenstance, no fate. It's like ordering love from a catalog, then showing up at the shipping center - I mean restaurant - to see if you want what you ordered.
And then there's the reality that you're desperate enough for companionship to meet strangers. The inferrance isn't that you need help to meet someone, but that you're such a loser that you couldn't attract some guy the regular way.
Those assumptions, BTW, are wrong!
To get over your angst, please realize that unlike a lot of folks who don't bite that bullet, your applying online bore fruit. You met a decent guy who enjoys being with you and you like. Its about how you love together, not how you met. If you act ashamed over how you met, others will feel badly that you feel badly, not that you met him online.
There's no shame in being strong enough to search for something as great as love.