Letters to the Editor
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online dating is awesome!
Dear LW,
I think it is all in your head, honestly. I met my guy online, we've been together for four years. I had tons of friends who have done the same, as do you. Why would YOU be treated any differently than all of us? It must be in your head---or you must be SO beautiful and charming that people are simply surprised that you weren't snapped up by a man before you got a chance to log on!
I think all of us who date online have a responsibility for doing our part to remove the stigma of online dating by being LOUD and PROUD!
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Cary's right
If people want the long version, I tell them that I joined match.com to hustle free drinks and dinners while I was unemployed. And I wanted to get a year after paying for only 6 months because of their find love in 6-month guarantee. And then about how I thought my date 3-months in was a dud and we had a series of horrible dates. And then suddenly I was engaged.
I also just answer flatly "match" when people ask me how we met. And kindof give them a raised eyebrows, challenging look that I hope says, 'everyone is doing online dating now and if you make a comment, you'll look horribly passe.'
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You need to admit that you are emitting
Kansasgirl has it:
It's all about you and your presentation of the story. It's about your own energy when responding to the question. It's about your handed-to-them-on-a-silver-platter embarrassment. We are all walking sensors, with antennae that reach out into an infinite number of spaces and directions. We respond to what comes toward us. We respond to what people emit. And we mirror it back to them. You are emitting unease and your friends are responding PRIMARILY to that. When you yourself make an internal shift, the world will shift with you.
It's so simple. Buddhist even. Smile. Breathe. Inhale your good fortune for finding a lovely new boyfriend. Exhale and share your sense of gratitude with those who ask you questions.
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Stigma Shmigma
The LW probably has some old-fashioned family members that have made disparaging comments about online dating, hence her reluctance to admit that is how she met her sweetie.
Just go with it. Tell the truth but do it in a way that doesn't invite other peoples opinions. I met a great guy online about 8 years ago during the heyday of dial up service and AOL chat rooms-- upon meeting face to face, we learned we had NO chemistry but thanks to email we remain great friends with each other and our respective spouses -- and our kids have playdates.
I met my husband on a BLIND date-- that is supposed to have stigma too, but I wouldn't have met him any other way so I am very happy I met him that way.
Why are online dates and/or blind dates (introduced through friends) somehow less preferable than meeting in a bar? My parents were fixed up by a friend at a bar-- and the story sounds much better when they say "we were fixed up by a friend" rather than "we met at a bar."
Once you are in the marriage and kids and mortgage phase of life, saying you met in a bar just makes you sound like lush barflies in front of your kids.
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I understand LW's trepidation about revealing "how they met,"
but not for the same reasons.
I too met my now-XH through a personal ad in the late 90s, just before the Internet revolutionized the world. We dated for 18 mos, we were older (mid/late 40s) and hardly acting rashly or impulsively.
He looked great "on paper:" educated, professional, widowed after a lengthy marriage. The whole thing was a fraud, as he turned out to be a sociopathic drug-dealer who used his life and even his kids as fronts for the "family business." I didn't just dream it, either; shortly after I left, after scarcely a year of marital horror, the law contacted me about him.
In my haste to get away from that dangerous cesspool, I lost everything I had earned over a 20-yr professional life and am still rebuilding from the loss. I was better off in the long run; I'll never know how close I came to doing prison time for something I walked into innocently, just b/c I wanted a little company.
I'm hardly alone in this misadventure, either. Check out www.lovefraud.com for more on the dark side of online romance.
I hope LW's angst about sharing w/others "how they met" is her only problem...
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You don't owe explanations--
You don't owe personal information to anyone, although you may choose to share your experience with your close friends and close family. Or maybe you don't.
If you don't want to say you met on the Internet, it is perfectly mannerly to say "Oh, that's too involved a story to get into right now, how is your son/husband/mother doing since his/his/her big game/unemployment/heart surgery?" (Well, leave off the unemployment questions, that might be a little rude.)
If the person is so rude that he or she continues to ask, well, you just repeat your answer in exactly the same words. There are some insensitive folk who just take some time to figure out that you really just don't intend to answer personal questions about your dating life.
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Say you met on a blind date!
If you're embarrassed to admit you met him online, tell people you met on a blind date. It's true enough, isn't it? You hadn't set eyes on each other till you met in person. If someone goes on to ask, "Who set you up?" you can say (with a sly grin) "We did!" Depending on their reaction, you can then either spill the beans, or leave 'em to wonder.
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People aren't all that concerned
It's really just a way to start a conversation. Honestly, people most likely don't care that much one way or the other. It's nothing personal, mind you, but very few people in the world honestly care much at all about your personal info. It's not just you - it's me, it's whomever. Quite often on these pages we hear of people wanting to know how to answer people who ask "Are you two going to get married?", or "Planning on having any children?". Rude questions? Perhaps, but at the end of the day the people who asked them don't really care one way or the other. It's just stuff to talk about until the next subject comes up. I think we're probably all like that to some extent. The only people who actally care are your mom and Aunt Edna. The rest is just chit-chat. Don't stress. In five minutes they won't even remember the answer.