It makes you feel kinda funny doesn't it, to be entrusted with delicate info belonging to mutual acquaintances?

Reading your letter, it seems you don't need to change anything because you are doing great! The only thing that sends a red flag is the secret attraction to the guy you work with. What exists in our minds is the most powerful of all.

Yep C.T., Frampton's tune began playing the moment I heard that phrase.

Carey is correct. This little group is too close, BUT! You MUST be attracted to somebody else, somebody outside this little soap opera. (?)

I suggest you go to that person, and tell this ridiculous story, and buy that guy a glass of wine. Then kiss him, and take it wherever it goes. Then keep it secret, and nod wisely and make nice noises whenever the little soap opera group bring you their silly little stories.

Break loose; fall in love; have fun.

I, too, was a secret-keeper. It almost always ends in tears, with everyone who once said, "You're the only person I could talk to!" cursing you because you were the only special friend of both people on two different sides of a fight. There's no good way to act in this situation. The only way out is to prevent the situation from ever developing.

Here are the ground rules that have kept me out of these dramas:

First, no one tells me not to tell my husband something. Coming between me and my husband is no one's privilege. If someone asks, I say, "I'm sorry, I don't keep secrets from my husband. He's pretty honorable but if you don't want him to know, don't tell me either."

Second, if it's something that couldn't be said in front of the person who's being talked about, I don't want to hear it. And I will tell you so: "I'm sorry, but I don't think we need to be talking about (whoever) behind his back." Another variation: "Do you think (whoever) would want me to know this?"

Third, I myself try not to say anything about anyone that I wouldn't say in front of that person. That means no, "Oh, I don't know how you've put up with her for so long, she drives me crazy." Inevitably Party A will make up with Party B and discuss how you said Party B drove you crazy.

To follow these rules you're going to have to give up the joy of being a confidante. It isn't easy, because being a confidante is fun. You get to feel all special and influential and wise and gifted without lifting a finger. The only problem is, you're none of those things. You're just a stick stirring a big ol' pot of somebody else's shit.

What Other Guy says to you should remain between the two of you. What his wife says to you should remain between you and her. Both have confided in you and all you can do is honour their trust. If Other Guy one day finds out that his wife has confided in you, your answer should be that you honoured her request that you say nothing, just as you have honoured Other Guy's request. And you don't tell either one what the other one said.

You aren't betraying anyone. You are equally honouring two people who consider you a good friend. Your thoughts about Other Guy are just that - your thoughts. We all have thoughts about other people, and its not surprising considering the time you spend together at work. Your thoughts are not a betrayal of anyone either.

Its a tough situation to be in but you sound like you're handling it as well as you possibly could.

I have to add that I don't think its at all unreasonable for the LW to tell her husband that both Other Guy and his wife have confided in her about marriage difficulties. It would be weird if she didn't tell her husband. However, she doesn't have to share the details of either conversation.

As Allie correctly points out the LW should avoid at all costs making critical comments about Other Guy to his wife, and vice versa. And if either of them gets nasty about the other in the LW's hearing she has the absolute right to gently point out that she feels uncomfortable with those comments.

And, um, who are we having wine with?? Did I miss something?

You really can. And it could benefit everyone involved, not just you.

You can say to both your coworker and his wife (separately, of course) that the situation is too sad and stressful for you to continue receiving such intense confidences. What they need is not repeated talk to you, but real help from the right quarter.

I resist jumping on the "clinical depression" bandwagon in this forum, but your coworker's state of mind as you have given it in his own words sounds like a colossal (sp?) depression. He's in no shape to be making life-altering decisions yet. Ditto, the wife is reeling, and needs some objective insight and support.

The wild card, I suppose, is whether you are willing to take a risk with your coworker's friendship. But in my experience, when I have had to disengage from a loved one in hypercharged circumstances like these, and done so gently, it has always gone well. It has put things on a more realistic footing, and set a course for getting much needed professional help of whatever kind.

You know best. These are just my thoughts on the matter from my own experience.

With best wishes

Chloe

This is really not a big deal. There isn't a problem here. If there is any problem, it's unstated; that since LW fancies Other Guy, when he broke down and confessed, he didn't confess to also secretly being madly in love with LW. That's what I was expecting, as I read. Now that would have been a problem worth writing in about.

It's simply a matter of keeping schtum, and if they find out they've all confided to the same person, and it's got about a bit, well it's not like they told you they're into bestiality or sacrificing virgins every Thursday. They'd just see that you can keep secrets, is all.