Letters to the Editor
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"Not for publication"?
Cary,
Did yesterday's LW send a comment "not for publication," and you answered it like it was a regular request for advice by mistake? Do you usually ask LWs if you can publish their letters before they appear on the website, and you neglected to do that in this case? Or are you ashamed of your words, and took them down because you feel they reflected poorly on you? What happened? It'd be great if you would clear this up for us.
As for the oleander situation, the idea of planting zucchini in the toxic neighbor's yard cracked me up. I do believe the LW needs to find out what the neighbor with the new shrubbery thinks about the situation, and follow her lead, though. Otherwise, she's fighting a war she has no business fighting, even though her intentions are good.
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What does Grandma want?
Does the old lady like the plants? If she does, leave them. It's a gift. It wasn't meant kindly, but it's still a pleasant thing. If she doesn't like them, offer to take them out or move them.
Plus, you might try working out a deal for helping her with the yard work and house maintenance. Ladies of a certain generation are very concerned about taking "charity." You might offer her an exchange. Does she quilt or cook pies or something? Can she watch your house when you go on vacation? Any token amount of exchange might help her accept assistance from the neighbors.
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Since you mentioned it again...
One more possibility about "short" letter:
In divorce proceedings, a published humiliation like that would not bode well for LW. She was wise to ask that it be removed. Or maybe her squat man is one of the thousands of readers here on Salon and she didn't want to hurt him.
About these plants and neighbors. Don't bring drama to this situation! Be direct and thoughtful by asking the elderly neighbor if you can help with the plants then be done with this. Also I want to repeat that since you do care, practice your own acts of kindness with elderly neighbor and others. That is how you can be of service.
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@ l'hibou
Getting an Eagle Scout project involved is a great idea.
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Warn that sleazy neighbor that you'll call the police next time.
LW, get a video camera, then warn that sleazebag neighbor that if she or her agents (anyone she hires) trespasses on your neighbor's property, you'll film it and contact the police.
I'm sorry you have such a disgusting neigbhor (the one who planted the hedges). I would recommend replanting those hedges if your elderly neighbor agrees, but not killing them, and certainly not killing them by poouring toxic liquids into your environment.
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Do you have a neighborhood association?
LW's neighborhood sounds similar to the neighborhood my husband and I live in, so I would like to offer a suggestion that worked really well for some of our elderly neighbors (most of the neighbors are either under 40 or over 70).
Our neighborhood is an older one that younger people are starting to move into and fix up, although it is still very much multi-ethnic. And people seem to be decidedly non-snobby, for the most part.
We have an active neighborhood association that put together groups of volunteers to help some of our elderly friends with lawn care and routine maintenance on their homes. Each group works one or two Saturday mornings a month mowing lawns, trimming hedges, painting, or otherwise helping out those who have trouble taking care of their homes by themselves. Some of the older people were a little embarassed at first, but they came to really appreciate the help. And - we all know each other a little better now. The lawns aren't all perfectly manicured, but - who cares?! They're no longer overgrown and wild.
Try getting together a group of neighborhood volunteers to occasionally help out *all* the older residents who need assistance - that way, this one neighbor won't feel as if she's being singled out. She could take you up on the offer to help without feeling so embarassed. And, she clearly needs some help. There are serious safety risks associated with poorly maintained homes. Overgrown lawns and hedges can become fire hazards pretty quickly, and yards/houses littered with junk - or in a state of general disrepair - can put your elderly friend at risk of falling or injuring herself. If this neighbor won't accept help from younger neighbors, you may need to contact a social worker.
The flower-planting neighbor has issues, and should be told in no uncertain terms that she's tresspassing as well as being over-the-top rude. She should also be told that if she tries anything like that again, LW or her husband will call the police. And if the older neighbor doesn't like the oleanders, have them removed and send nosy lady the bill.
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Call a block meeting
Cary has poetically and truthfully summed up what the oleanders stand for: lack of caring, lack of community, lack of willingness to face facts about the less fortunate among us.
So do something constructive to get at the root of the problem (sorry). Convene a block meeting at your house. The obnoxious planter lady won't come, and your neighbor probably won't either, so you can speak frankly about the problem.
Set a good tone for the meeting. Serve refreshments. Circulate a page for a block roster signup, so people can share emergency numbers with each other if they wish. (I did this on my block and it was a wonderful icebreaker that also served a purpose.)
Then, in a positive way, raise the issue: some of our neighbors are less fortunate than others, and it would be great if we could put our heads together to figure out ways to help. Explain that your neighbor is a wonderful soul who has a ton of pride but would probably appreciate assistance too. Let others share their ideas, while you act as chair (that means you sum up ideas and direct the discussion, not let anyone dominate, ask quiet people for their opinions). Assume in your tone and words that of course neighbors want to help each other, they just need to find out a good way to do that. Raising the bar for other people usually encourages them to live up to your high opinion of them!
You also want their help in solving the oleander problem. I guarantee that once people with children are alerted to the dangers these bushes pose, they'll INSIST on finding a solution.
When the meeting's done, you'll not only have some allies on your block invested in your neighbor's situation, you'll have planted the seeds (sorry again) for a block community to take hold. And that will benefit everyone.