Letters to the Editor
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TELL THE GARDNER
that you will have him arrested for tresspassing if he comes back and does anything else to a property that the neighbor doesn't own and that the owner has not requested his services.
Wait until the son comes back home and ask him if you can replant those oelanders to another part of the yard, or return them to the person who so rudely put them there anyway - whichever he prefers.
Get with the son and the mother and tell them that you have people coming to (paint, mow lawns, fix whatever) and would like to split their time on the job between you and them. Tell them the services are already paid for, and it would be a shame to not take advantage of their being there and their willingness to do additional work for free.
It's a white lie, but it allows them to save face and maybe get somethings done that improve the over-all appearance of the property.
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In defense of Cary...
He seems in need of and surely deserves a fully-paid break from answering us guys on Salon.com, if only to regain his balance and get out more in the world that used to inform well his answers. (If the owners think my money isn't where my mouth is, I'll have them know, harumpf, I'll even renew my subscription.)
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Rethink Priorities
This woman is old and frail, she has a terminally - or, at least, significantly - ill son and you want her to care about oleanders?
Think about it. Your husband is dying. You are worried about:
(1) him
(2) paying for his medical care
(3) attending to your own health issues
(4) what you will do without him
(5) eating
(6) sleeping
(7) getting clean and dressed (maybe)
(8) paying bills
(9) communicating with your friends and family
(10) a whole slew of other things that have absolutely nothing to do with the petty sensibilities and bickering of your neighborhood.
They don't give a damn about those oleanders. Support and respect them by recognizing what *is* important to them and their lives and seeing how you can support that. And stop worrying about trivial appearance-based b.s. like oleanders and outdoor furniture.
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Another Scenario
Someone upthread pondered the scenario of a neighborhood kid getting hold of the oleander and becoming poisoned. What about the elderly neighbor? What if she doesn't know just how poisonous the plant is and it blooms and she decides she wants to make an arrangement for her kitchen table and ends up being poisoned? So, the neighbor lady dies and then what? Who's responsible? Wait, this is turning into an episode from 'Columbo.'
Seriously, at the very least the elderly neighbor should be made aware of how dangerous the plants are.
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Pardon the tangent
Don't burn the oleander. It is a dangerously poisonous plant, which is why I won't have them in my yard. It is not safe to burn, and if an animal or god forbid a child were to ingest any, it's big trouble.
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dear god
this LW reminds me of my stay-at-home-mother aunt who sat on her cellulite duff all day and chatted/gossiped/speculated/meddled about bullshit til she was blue in the face, all the while pretending she was chatting and meddling in the interests of truth, justice, moral betterment of others, the american way, etc. Get a job lady! Leave well enough alone. There are bigger problems in the world. There is nothing more annoying than someone pretending she cares so much about doing the right thing that she wants to engage in questionable behavior to get there. Give it up! And I agree with those who said your attitude towards the neighbor is patronizing.
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Yesterday's SYA
I don't understand why yesterday's column was taken down. Did the LW think she was writing Cary for personal advice? Why do you need "authorization" to publish a letter like that? Can't you just summarize the letter, and keep Cary's response and all the letters?
It pisses me off to see one of Cary's best columns, and the 30 pages of letters that accompanied it, taken down without any good explanation. It's like you've destroyed a piece of public art that we all contributed to.
Can someone from Salon please tell us what's going on?
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Don't worry about the law taking sides against the old lady. American law is better than that (mostly!)
domini,
In a neighborhood over 40 years old, there's unlikely to be a homeowners association that enforces codes, such as you mention that keep newer developments up to snuff or under boot, depending on one's perspective. I think we can assume the oleander planter, prior to going to the significant expense and legal liability of encroachment, did her darnedest to sic the law on that poor old woman. Little doubt, to her consternation, she was told by the police no health code violations existed, and what's merely unsightly isn't unlawful. (Tall enough grass is actually a health hazard known to attract rats and poisonous snakes.)
Thank you, domini, for a wholly decent posting.
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regarding yesterday's letter
Cary does not ask for authorization to publish a letter once he's received it. Something else happened.
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wait, what about yesterday's SYA?
what happened to that? Cary's response was great, so were the other posters, and I say that as someone who also judged an ex-husband harshly (and eventually left him) for things he couldn't have helped.
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on letter policies
I apologize for going off topic, but don't know where else to put this.
In every letter, including one I sent to Cary Tennis, there was an option that would let me specify "not for publication." It was quite obvious, as long ss you took the time to read the entire form. The ones i marked with this option did not appear in any kind of public forum. If the LW did forget, I think it's magnanimous of Salon to remove the letter about the short husband anyway. But I don't think they have an obligation.
As for the oleanders, the next course of action should be left up to the elderly lady.
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Okay, maybe it's just me
But does anyone else find the fear of poisonous plants a little weird? What kids go around eating shrubs? Did you ever just start munching on the bushes when you were a child? Don't parents generally keep their children on a short leash until they get to the age where they can be trusted not to eat random stuff? There are all sorts of poisons in nature - mushrooms, plants, you name it. Are kids going to be kept away from the woods until adulthood? I understand that if you're going to, say, plant a border around a toddler playground, you might pick something absolutely safe. But it seems odd to freak out about the idea of just having a poisonous plant in the yard. If you're curious about the number of toxic exposures via plants, you can find more on www.aapcc.org, including the frequency of plant exposure by type of plant. The top plants are peace lilies, poinsettas, holly, philodendrons, Aermican pokeweed (which makes sense at least, since it looks like berries - holly, too), poison ivy.
That said, the neighbor's a jerk. I would let it go, but remain watchful.