Letters to the Editor
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Some ways to help
If you want to express your solidarity with your elderly neighbor in the face of the busybody's invasiveness, it's not necessary to rip out the oleanders. Just make a simple statement like, "She really shouldn't have done that without asking you first," and let it go. The elderly neighbor may be secretly pleased that her decrepitude will be shielded from the world, even though she would never have been able to admit it. If you truly want to help, make sure the oleanders stay trimmed. There are ways to volunteer help without embarrassing people - sounds like you need to work on that. Here are some that have worked for me:
"I'm trimming our hedges Thursday. It wouldn't be a speck of trouble to do that little bit at the edge of your house while I've already got the weed eater out. Just let me know how much to take off, I don't want to do anything you don't approve of."
"The kid who does our lawns says he'll give a discount for other houses in the neighborhood - saves him a trip out here."
Talk to her, and to her son, about the plants in the yard. Wave away any attempts on her part to apologize. Tell her she does a wonderful job considering her circumstances. What you want is to find out whether either of them is keeping the yard ratty on purpose. Older folks not only hoard INSIDE their houses, sometimes they hoard OUTSIDE their houses. It's an issue of control and security.
One of our neighbors developed similar problems with her yard in her last years. She liked having her front door completely hidden by bushes, even though it made it impossible to get in or out and was actually dangerous since one time she needed an ambulance and they were unable to find her house. She also was emotionally attached to the mess of vines and deck out back, which was infested with rats and snakes eating the rats. Something had to be done, because the rats were coming into our house, but it had to be done with sensitivity to her emotions and an effort to preserve the plants that she cared about. When we made it clear that the (terribly ratty by this time) damask roses were not going to be accidentally cut down with the rest of the weeds, and our priorities were the same as hers, she became much happier with letting us help her out.