Letters to the Editor
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Another exciting day in Cary-ville
Boy, I really hate all of the characters in this little drama.
The insensitive husband, the overly sensitive aunt and uncle, the borish cousin.
I hate the (implied) fact that if the LW or her husband were to bring the cousin's borishness to her attention, she would run and tell her overly sensitive parents, thereby setting off an irreparable family feud. (Why on earth would a grown-up share this with her parents?)
I hate the LW who is incapable of finding a polite but firm way to ask a rude interloper to call first before just showing up at the house. (Ummm, let's see, maybe something like ... "We love seeing you but it might be best if you called first to make sure we don't have other plans..."). Sweetie, if you need to write to Cary to solve this problem, how exactly do you manage to get out of bed in the morning?
Which leaves Cary. Who seems to be off his meds today, both for selecting this stupid letter for publication and then being unable to muster any modicum of a useful response.
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for Judgy McJudgerson
Um, it's boorish, not "borish."
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rubber snakes and a privacy fence
I don't have anything as witty and clever as the 'potted plant' solution, unless you want to invest in a few realistic-looking rubber snakes to toss in the pool :-) (only halfway kidding...) Or, you could put up a privacy fence and put a lock on it, so that no one can come into your yard without having a key or someone to let them in. If that option is too expensive, I think you should just talk to this cousin and politely let her know that the open-pool policy isn't working for you. If your husband's aunt and uncle get upset, it's not your problem. They're being petty and ridiculous, and they just have to get over it. Don't let the threat of 'family tention' bully you into completely surrendering your privacy. And - have a serious talk with your husband and let him know that you feel invaded. Does he truly understand how much this is bugging you? My guess is 'no, he doesn't'. I hope that if he really gets that this is a problem, he'll help you solve it. Ideally, he should talk to his cousin with you, but if he won't, then go ahead and do it yourself. (Also, is it possible that his family culture just has far fewer boundaries than you're accustomed to? Maybe the cousin isn't aware of how much she's abusing the pool privilege...)
Let the cousin know that when your husband issued the invitation, he didn't realize she would be using the pool quite so often. Tell her that you would like some time to use the pool without having a crowd, and that you really need some time in the evening to unwind with only your husband there. Ask the cousin if you can agree on a time slot or two each week that she can use the pool; any other time she wants to swim, she has to call first. And if she calls at a time that is not good for you, she'll need to respect that. I don't see how that could possibly be offensive, if you present it politely.
The bottom line is that the pool is at your home and belongs to you and your husband - the two of you get to decide who uses it and on what terms. If someone else can't agree to your terms, too bad. They have no inherent right to use *your* pool.
Finally, as I'm sure other posters have mentioned, you and your husband could potentially be held liable if something bad were to happen to your cousin or one of the kids while they were in your pool - even if you're not home and they're present without an invitation. Also, make sure that your cousin isn't allowing her kids to invite their friends to your pool when you aren't at home. The liability alone is reason enough to seriously limit guest access to your pool, especially when you aren't at home.
Reclaim your backyard resort!
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oops - can't type.
that's "family tension" not tention....!
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Easy solution to your problem/Safety first
How about telling them you read an article about a drowing at a family pool (maybe the Tommy Lee story a couple of years ago--a little dramatic, but I think a true story). Just say you and your husband hadn't thought about this, talked it over and don't want to worry about a tragedy in your pool. Tell them that with some regret, you are now asking ALL family and friends to only use the pool when you are present.
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The Flag and The Sign
are the answer. Previous suggestions of this are 100% right.
An old beach towel can be the Flag. When it's flying, the pool is open to nonresidents, when it's down, the pool is closed. End of story; rules apply to everyone who doesn't live in the house.
The Sign explains the pool rules in big block letters. Rule 1 is about the flag, Rule 2 is about not swimming alone, Rule 3 is about diving in the shallow end, Rule 4 is about running, etc.
These things make a big difference when it comes to liability and proper pool behavior.
The cousin can call and ask "is the flag flying?" if they live any distance.
This also works to get people out of the pool. All you do is lower the flag.
LW and hubby have to stand up to the cousin and explain/enforce the new rules, but they're the same for everyone, not just the cousin.
Do it now before it gets warmer.
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Most unhelpful post yet?
Is it just me, or is this possibly the least helpful post that Cary has written so far?
I mean, I guess we're all supposed to feel sorry for the woman who has such a nice "retreat" in her very own home but has to share it with her relatives. I'm not terribly sympathetic to her plight, but the concept is a little more universal -- someone's not offering simple respect for someone else's things.
It's all well and good for us to say "fuck the rules" once in a while, Cary, but most of us live in society and can't easily do that all the time. We have to choose our battles. You might say "why?" Well, because we have family that we don't want to cut ourselves from voluntarily, even though they might not have manners and might hold a grudge against us if we asked them to get some.
You constantly go on about how yours is such a great job, how you got here. I think you owe a little more to those who write in to you than to dismiss the day's worth with a couple short paragraphs and a flippant response.
But that's just me.