Letters to the Editor
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pool abuse requires the direct approach
My sister-in-law had a neighbor who kindly allowed her and the children to use their beautiful in-ground pool at any time. My SIL took full advantage, even saying "wow, we get all of the advantages and none of the upkeep!". Apparently the neighbor's pool was her child rearing plan until adulthood.
The very kind neighbor got transferred and had to sell the house. The new owners arrived to their new home to find my SIL and the kids in their pool. When they told my SIL that they would require full use of the pool and would not be inviting neighbors, she said "but that doesn't include us, does it? Think of my kids!". They held firm. They changed the locks and put a higher fence up. My SIL never forgave them and holds a grudge until this day.
My point is that there is something about a pool that makes people feel entitled. The LW and her husband need to reach an accord on what they feel they can tolerate and explain it once, twice, thrice to the relatives. Post it, lock it, fence it.
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the parking spot dilemma !
the potted plant!
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Liability
BTW, I don't know what the law is in most states, but in Illinois, there is NO liability for injuries which occur in a swimming pool. A pool is considered to be an open and obvious danger that a child as young as three is expected to understand. No liability for the homeowner.
Now if they trip and fall on your sidewalk, that is another issue...
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Liability
In Florida, the highest cause of death of children age five and under is drowning. The vast majority of these deaths occur in swimming pool and most of those pools are owned by relatives of the children.
Allowing people--let alone people with children--to swim in your pool without your direct supervision is a recipe for financial and emotional disaster.
In most places, pools must be fenced and locked at all times. If you do not do that, you are risking financial ruin if a person enters the pool without your permission and drowns--or as bad, has irreversable brain damage from a near drowning. The term "attractive nuisance" describes an unsecured pool. As many of the posters have noted, the allure of an empty pool on a hot, sweaty day is almost overwhelming.
I am surprised that a relatively new pool was built to code without being fenced and locked. I am also suprised that your insurance carrier did not send out an inspector to check to make sure that rudimentary safety precautions were not taken. (Do you have poles, flotation devices, pool alarms if there are pre-school children around?)
Your husband invited a family member to use the pool at any time without calling first. A friend might think better of that, but a family member might be likely to take him at his word. He probably meant it at the time, too--flush with the excitment of the pool and feeling generous. He may still feel the same way.
You and your husband will need to talk about fencing and locking the pool. You must do this or you are risking your entire financial well being as well as the emotional trauma of having someone drown in your poor. When you have this talk, you must also talk about supervision at the pool. Your pool--supervision is your responsibility and should be delegated to others only with whom you would trust the safety and well being of your own children. And, since you're talking, you might also think about talking about the amount of time his cousin is there and develop a strategy that will accommodate his need to be generous as well as your need for privacy.
Please do not hesitate. In Florida, it was decided recently that all child drownings would be taken as a report for neglect for investigation by child protection authorities. Although your state may be different, it is not an experience you want to risk.
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You don't need nudists...
Next time you see Cousin pulling up, you and hubby get in the pool quick - and naked. She and the kids walk in to see you in a nude embrace, she'll call next time.
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Put your toe in the water.
LW: You are going to have to address this. Your husband can't, primarily because he does not share your feelings. (Trust me. I have experience, here. My DH has invited relatives to move in!)
I do not agree with those who have written, suggesting that you come up with some legalese about liability. If your inlaws are as course as some of my family, I am sure they won't get it & it'll be turned on you anyway. I would like to suggest that you "put your toe in the water", figuratively, introducing the boundaries that hubby just doesn't comprehend. Tell cousin that "for the next week or two" she will need to call ahead because you are trying to "put something together" with the girls from work/your bookclub/the other soccer families/whoever, but you are not sure what day it is going to be. (However, you MUST plan some sort of get-together, so that you are not a liar. Just make your best friend come over for margaritas.)
If cousin makes any negative comment, i.e "So, I'm not your friend!", "A party & I'm not invited", "You just let me know when it is & I'll stay away (pout).", you might say something like: "Oh, since it's my home, I assumed I could be spontaneous. You call ahead."
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Step One: Grow a Backbone
Step Two: talk to your husband about his over-enthusiast invitation, and how its results cause stress in your life.
Step Three: decide on the united front that the two of you will present to the world (not only pushy cousin.)
Step Four: implement.
No matter the grandiosity of the invitation, NOBODY jumps in a pool when the owners of the home are entertaining guests, unless s/he is extraordinarily stupid, or extraordinarily uncaring about anything but his or her own pleasure.
People are raised differently, that's not news. My husband used to be very blaze about saying that we'd arrive at someone's house at such and such a time, and then we'd be leaving at that time--and it was over an hour's drive away. He'd say, "Nobody ever minds, they never say anything!" The idea that people were being polite by NOT pointing out his chronic lateness had literally not occurred to him. He, the son of the woman who nearly missed getting on an international flight because she needed some water to drink on the way to the airport, and couldn't find just the right container for it.
Your husband's cousin could be the same. "They invited me to come at any time, and haven't said anything!" Granted the jumping in when there were invited guests there was way over the line, but why on EARTH did you NOT tell her, "Oh, gosh, Cousin Suzie Q, we have guests in the backyard today, please come another time."?
Back to step one.