Letters to the Editor
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What good manners really are
I agree with those that think the husband/wife are the problem. For those that say "people shouldn't be silly enough to take the husband up fully on his offer", I completely disagree.
The husband didn't just say, "uh, sure...come on over whenever!". He SPECIFICALLY told her "not to bother" calling first. It's exactly the type of thing I would say to someone to show that my invitation is sincere. THAT smacks of a very heartfelt and sincere invitation. Miss Manners outlines that a good host and guest make everyone feel comfortable. That means hosts and guests giving and taking gracefully and easily, not always acting like strangers with one slice of pie between them. That's what your husband was (likely) trying to accomplish. (For example, his invitation after all did release you from playing supervisor each time, which seems polite to you as well.)
By telling her not to call first, the husband *specificlaly removed the usual built-in social barriers to the cousin taking him up on his offer*.
I am in the vein to believe that the husband actually meant it. In which case you first need to come to an agreement with him about the pool usage, before you can figure out how best to handle it. (read: find out if perhaps YOU'RE the one to whom he's afraid to admit he feels/felt diferently.)
Secondly, I understand him not wanting to offend the aunts and uncles, but if they get offended by a sincere "ahhh, we didn't think that invitation through first, it seems" (and even use the insurance/legal reason - it's completely legit and overrules family feelings), then the problem becomes theirs not yours.
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What Miss Manners Would Say
What would Miss Manners say about this situation? She'd say "you invited her to use the pool anytime. You told her there was no need to call ahead. And that's exactly what's happening, so you got exactly what you asked for. If you'd like something else to happen, you have to make it clear." At this point, the husband should call the cousin, tell her there's a liability insurance issue, could she please not use the pool when they aren't home and so please call first. Of course when she calls they can say "this isn't a good time" but if they say that every time, there's going to be a problem.
Frankly, if someone offered me an open invitation like that, I would take them up on it, too. Maybe not all the time (I know what a pest is, unlike the cousin), but I'd be over once in a while, after calling first.
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Flag
I thought I read this here, but I guess it was somewhere else. Someone had written in with a solution to a similar problem and it was this (I'm paraphrasing): I have a flagpole, and when I fly the yellow flag, then the neighbor's kids know it's okay to come and use the pool. When then flag is down, that means we are doing private things at home and it's not appropriate to come over.
This doesn't address the insurance liability problem, and it might not work if your husband's relatives have already loaded up the car and driven a substantial distance, but once you've established the rule and made it known to all, then it would give you a way to communicate "we're using our backyard right now, and we don't want guests" in a clear non-confrontational way.
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I can relate
I'm married to a family that has very different ideas about what concepts like "togetherness" and "come over any time" should mean. I'm a private person. I'm married to a guy with five sisters, various kids, pets, and what have you, and I sometimes wonder if we all wouldn't be headed straight to divorce court if any of us lived any closer to one another...but I digress.
The short answer is this: Neither of you are wrong for having your attitudes. My husband would love for us all to stay under one roof when he and I go to visit his family: but what this translates to, practically speaking, is thirteen people waiting in line for the bathroom, stepping over each other to get a drink out of the fridge, and (this is hypothetical, of course ;) trying to sleep through one another's children screaming with holiday excitement at oh-God-thirty in the morning.
Now. I know my own limits. I don't hate children, but have none, and I have a pretty low tolerance for said screaming. So it's important for me to not only know and recognize my own limits, but to voice those very clearly and directly to the husband. I said it just like this: "It's not that I hate children, specifically your sister's children. However, I'm not used to kids' enthusiasm early in the morning, being a night owl myself. I think we'd all be a lot happier if you and I were to stay in a hotel on our visits to your family, since I'd rather not display cranky behaviour out of a lot of sleep deprivation that could easily be interpreted as my disliking your family."
You have to be specific, and point out exactly what the downsides will be of your husband's suggested plan of action (anger on your part that I'm sure is already evident to this cousin, despite your best efforts...how many of us can act normal when seething with rage...) If I were you I'd word it thusly when approaching the matter with Hubby: "It's not a fault thing, but I feel invaded and taken advantage of when anyone - *anyone* - comes to our home unannounced and without permission. We need to institute a blanket policy to address this," and cheerfully draw up a schedule or what have you that would make this entire issue easier for you personally to tolerate.
Then - this is key - both of you need to enforce it. Nobody needs to feel like the heavy for expressing an attitude they have every right to have. You're not asking for the moon here, just what you see as simple courtesy, and if the aunt and uncle are offended by this? What are you going to do if they ever ask you to borrow money, or take one of their kids in for a few weeks? You've simply got to be willing to set a cursory boundary with people, or you may as well have "Take Advantage of Me" stenciled in big red letters on your forehead.
Hang in there. My husband would still love for his entire family to stay together in his parents' home on holidays, but now that he sees what stress it would cause for me, he accepts the situation. I do try to accommodate him on other issues that aren't so important to me (trips on said holidays to kid-friendly activities, going along without complaint to a deadly boring museum that his father loves for some odd reason). It might help were you to sweeten the pot with a similar offer, but you're really under no obligation to do so.
p.s. If husband absolutely will not cooperate? You might consider turning around and leaving when you see his cousin's car in the drive, or otherwise making a show of your displeasure. I assume you don't have as much investment in the aunt and uncle issue, and if he absolutely won't do anything that might upset them - even in the name of preserving peace in his immediate household - I think that gives you the right to take matters into your own hands. I wouldn't threaten this overtly when you're just starting to have the conversation with him, but it might not be a bad plan of action to keep in your hip pocket just in case. Good luck.