Letters to the Editor
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Google "swimming pool deaths" -- not a pretty picture
At the very least you ought to warn these people explicitly that YOU are not going to provide lifeguard duty while they're in your pool.
Condos and hotels address this problem by posting signs explicitly warning people that there is no lifeguard and they are responsible for their own safety while in the pool.
That doesn't get to the basic issue between you are your husband, but it could keep you from losing your house to a lawsuit if there's an accident of some kind.
There are so many ways people can hurt themselves in or near a pool. Your husband is asking for trouble by being so free with his invitations. He needs to be clued in to the potential life-altering consequences of his pool generosity.
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Yellow polka-dotted couth!
Last time I wore my couth to the pool it flew off after a cannonball and got sucked into the filter!
Sorry. Just couldn't help laughing about the idea of polished refinement when we are discussing children swimming in a backyard pool. We are discussing children, right? The cousin isn't swimming on her own, but bringing her kids over, kids that may be friends with your kids, kids that probably won't get it when faced with a newly-changed lock or an unnecessary family feud. Kids that are family, kids that are the probable reason your husband extended the open invitation in the first place. Family, especially family that lives close enough to pop over for a swim and has been granted access to do that at will, need not follow the same rules of etiquette as others. In fact, it should not be expected of them.
You, not your husband, needs to tell the cousin the truth: unexpected visits irritate the crap out of you and would she please call ahead when she wants to use the pool. Make sure she knows it's your thing, not hers. That would be honest, something of more importance than manners when dealing with family. And keep in mind she has sweaty children to contend with, children who know they can use your pool freely and probably pester her to do so. She is probably aware that she's irritating you and may well appreciate an airing of the problem. So let it come from you, and let it be more of a discussion of your stress than an indictment of her behaviour.
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Fuck the Letter Writer
Sorry, but I'm just following Cary's lead.
The problem here is simple: The husband has no balls. This is further compounded by the fact that the Letter Writer has no balls. The cousin, meanwhile, has too many balls. Huge, inflatable pool balls.
The cousin's balls must be popped. If your husband won't do it, then sharpen your claws and do it yourself. It's your house. If you and your husband aren't a team about what goes on in and around your house, then you and your husband don't have any business being married. Get some fucking balls.
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No dye
I don't have anything to add about the awful cousin (who needs to be told "no", by someone, pronto), but I would like to note that, contrary to this suggestion on the first page,
By the way, I once heard about a dye that will turn red if someone urinates in your pool. Perhaps a little embarassment would do the trick.
there is no such thing as a dye that reveals urine. (See http://www.snopes.com/science/poolpiss.asp if you don't believe me.)
What good would it do? You'd be publicly humiliating your guests, you'd have to drain the pool every time someone thoughtlessly peed in it, and a sign announcing its presence would be a tacit admission that you don't trust anyone who gets in. If you're going to jump into a swimming pool--particularly, of course, a public one, but even a backyard pool--then you have to accept that there's going to be urine, skin cells, and god alone knows what else drifting around in there. (There's going to be fecal matter, not necessarily visible, if babies in diapers are allowed in.) Maybe the chlorine can take the curse out of some of it.
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Broken Heater
Turn the heat off for a while. No one likes to swim in a freezing cold pool. Hopefully she'll get out of the habit of coming over. While the heater is "broken," you can install the fence and lock if you do not already them. Last tip- you, not your husband should keep the only copy of the key!
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It's the kids
They want to swim. They beg their mom to swim. If Mom says, no, we shouldn't impose, they reply but Uncle said we could come any time. He did, you heard him.
And Uncle did say that. And he might have even said it to the kids. Uncle is a bit dim. I bet you don't have kids. Or maybe, Uncle loves the noise of happy kids.
Talk to your husband and set some rules. Don't say anything about the cousin's behavior to date, just inform her that there are now limits.
If the relatives are champion grudge holders, just make a point of not arguing. If cousin is rude enough to argue (but you never use the pool), just repeat your words, 'only on Fridays and call first.' Don't get offended or be offensive.
I have lots of experience dealing with a relative who gives and takes offense quickly. Make sure you're in the right and ignore offending statements. If necessary, pat yourself on the back for being a saint. It really helps.
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Solve the problem, which is YOU
Your husband's cousin is not the problem.
Your pool is not the problem.
You just can't say no, and neither can your husband, although he's more aggressive about his unassertiveness (an oxymoron but you know what I mean).
Miss Manners, despite Cary's trashing of her approach, would not approve. She is a HUGE proponent of learning how to say "no" without offending people.
What offends people is not the "no", it's the unexpressed anger and resentment that propels it.
Miss Manners would advise you and your husband get a lot of practice at saying "No" politely but firmly. It does get easier (trust me) the more you do it. But you both have to be on the same page -- it obviously doesn't promote good family relations if one of you is saying "No" while the other one is saying "Come on in!"
So the first talk has to be with hubby. If you can be calmly, firmly, politely assertive with him, taking on the cousin should be a snap. "I'm sorry, Harold, but we can't allow anyone, including your cousin,to use the pool at their leisure anymore. I'll work with you on a schedule when the pool will be available to relatives and friends." Period. Repeat as necessary.
Sure, some people will be offended when they don't get what they want, no matter how polite you are about it. But why should you reward their bad behavior just to avoid a scene? Besides, as you've already discovered, caving in doesn't help the situation, it makes it worse!
What it boils down to, LW, is putting on your big girl panties and taking control of your life. Wouldn't you say it's about time?