Letters to the Editor
-
You don't have a cousin problem, you have a husband problem
The pool belongs to your husband as well; he's fine with his cousin using it. You have not even complained to her. Therefore, she's not doing anything wrong.
The problem lies with your husband, not his cousin. You need to put a potted plant in his parking space. Throw down with him; make him understand that this is important to you, and that estranging his cousin is nothing compared to estranging his wife. When you married you left the families you were born into and formed a new family. Your family needs to take precedence.
Then your husband can figure out how to deal with his cousin. He made the mess by telling her she was welcome; it's his problem.
-
Love the 'dead body' suggestion....
....but why the slam on Miss Manners? I think Cary is missing the point of good manners - it's all about putting others at ease, and standing up for oneself gracefully, not about sneering at someone who is dumb enough to use the wrong fork for the salad.
For example, good manners would have avoided this LW's situation in two ways - one, if her cousin had good manners, she wouldn't be encroaching on LW's pool. More importantly, if the LW's husband had good manners (and common sense), he wouldn't have issued an invitation that he didn't intend to honor (or clear with his wife first).
Sorry, Cary - a whack on the head with the Iron Hankie from Politenessman!
-
Anyone with a lick of sense...
would know that "Come over any time! No, really!" shouldn't be followed to the letter. A good guest doesn't take advantage.
Of course, when you throw a familial relationship into the mix, all bets are off. Leave it to jackass cousins et al. to assume that shared DNA supercedes good manners.
Next time it happens, let 'em know what's what. And tell your husband to grow a pair.
-
Wish they were all this easy
Hope my letter gets to the lw. This is an easy problem to solve.
You need a schedule. You might have an open pool night for several approved people on the list, or you might have a special night when cousin may come over.
Make husband explain to the relatives that you need your space, and you're both just laying down some ground rules as to when the pool is open for business.
Once the unrestricted access is gone, you should be able to better tolerate the intrusion, because you'll be controlling the encounter. Also, when you need your solitary time for a week or two, it's much a much easier to ask someone who was only expecting to have tues and thurs night anyway, than to someone who thinks their pool is yours.
So, even if you have to set a really really big limit, like every weekday from 5-9, but no weekends or something like that, set a limit, set multiple limits, it will help a lot.
Or you can just tell her to sod off. It is your pool. Mine is the compromise solution.
-
This one's fairly straightforward
Your husband sort of opened the door to this overstepping, so he has to have a gentle conversation with the cousin. Here's a script:
"Hi Jolene. You know, I think I kind of messed up a little by inviting all our friends and family to come by the pool anytime. What we're going to do now, just to keep things a little more under control, is have everybody give a call if they want to swim, and then we can be sure it's a good time."
See, he is to emphasize the "they" and the "we" and all that kind of general, no-fault no-foul language. It's clear the cousin's not to blame for the initial misunderstanding, and she's again not to blame for this reworking of the invitation. It's "everybody" who has made the current arrangement not-so-workable.
This conversation should not make her uncomfortable at all, or maybe just a tiny bit, and then she'll be fine. The only potential sticky spot is getting your people-pleaser husband to do the deed, which he really must. He must because he needs to respect what you're comfortable with in your home, your need for sanctuary. Help him understand that concept, and then if he's reasonable and your happiness comes before that of the entire neighborhood etc, he'll have the talk.
-
lemons
The "sarcastic" remark (about you swimming in her pool) may not actually be "sarcasm" (per-se). She can probably tell you don't like what she's doing and may be trying to use humor to provide a light atmosphere for you to say how you really feel about it. If you don't like what she's doing, she knows it.
It's hard to explain, but going into the situation (talking to her about it) with some empathy and humility will affect your behavior in a way that you can minimize the possibility of perceived slights.
There probably isn't a "plant in the parking spot" at this stage. You may as well try to minimize the damage/maximize diplomacy. I mean, I'm sorry to say it, but your behavior is at least as tacky and "buzi" as hers.
-
Speaking of speaking up...
On Good Friday I was invited to Sunday - Easter dinner, but did not wish to out of my house on my one day off from work.
So, that is exactly what I said.
I did, however, make an appointment for that same Friday afternoon to see my friend's enormous pruning yard-work and toilet repairs and spent 2 hours visiting with her.
It is not the friendship. It is just that I did not want to go anywhere on Easter Sunday.
I support speaking up for lemons.
I support reclaiming the private use of one's pool.
-
ldfjlsjdflksjd
re: I mean, I'm sorry to say it, but your behavior is at least as tacky and "buzi" as hers.
Sorry - and if you realize that, it'll help you achieve your stated goal. (Having her out of the pool without angering the uncle and aunt.) If you want "to have your cake and eat it, too" and you have your sights set on the cousin paying for it (the cake), it won't end well.