Letters to the Editor
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Mr. Big Shot and His Swimming Pool
The question you need to ask yourself is, "What is your husband getting out of this arrangement?"
Maybe inviting people to use the pool makes him feel magnanimous and successful. "Look at us! We've got a beautiful home and a lovely pool and we can afford to entertain anybody who happens to drop in." Maybe he felt like a poor relation growing up, and now he can show those snooty cousins how well he and his family are doing. Maybe he just really craves approval and hopes the pool offer will make him more popular.
Until you can figure out why it pleases him to offer the pool to all users, you won't have much luck convincing him to stop.
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Splashing and crashing
I don't own a pool, have no access to a pool, and have dozens of neighbors and friends with a pool. On the very hottest, most sweltering days of the year, if I catch a glimpse of the unused crystal cool blue hue of my single neighbor's unused mammoth in ground pool, I do salivate, or perspire. She doesn't appear to be using it, oh can I just dip my toes in, or... no.
You are dealing with the socially imperceptive in your family and they are everywhere. Subtle is not something they can decipher... too deep in the code for them. So, you need to be direct. If some member of your family perceives it as a slight, how is that your problem?
Good luck with the imperceptive ones. I envy you, sort of.
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Create a schedule.
Since the cousin isn't 14 but a grown woman with kids of her own, I can't imagine why the dreaded conversation should be with her mother and father (the aunt and uncle).
LW's husband created this with that open invitation, and by all rights he should have to fix this, but in the real world that won't happen.
So I say LW should get on the phone with cousin and have a friendly but businesslike conversation that goes something like this: "Because so many friends and neighbors want to use ourpool, hubby and I have decided to create a pool schedule to help accommodate everybody and still leave pool time just for us. You're welcome to bring the kids and use the pool every Thursday from 2-5 p.m."
Or you can skip the preamble and just start with "Hubby and I have decided..."
Heck, you can even tell her your insurance agent has suggested you do this as a responsible homeowner. I bet those guys actually do have plenty of thoughts on allowing visitors wholesale usage of home pools!
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It's your turn to clean the pool!
phone call ensues...
Dring Dring!
"Hello?"
"Hi cousin-in-law! Little Timmy (... or whatever your son/daughter's name is...) got an eye infection and the doc says that it is because the pool is full of bacteria. He told us that we need to clean the pool twice to three times a week. One of my neighbours who also uses the pool suggested that each of us take turns cleaning it since we all use it - isn't that a great idea? I sure think so. We each need to do it 3-4 times a month each. So for what days can I put you down?"
"Oh, you know what? I think I decided that I no longer want to swim in your pool!"
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I agree with domini
One drowned baby and you are screwed. You could lose your house and your pool.
If your husband won't accept this line of argument, then have him talk to an insurance agent and a lawyer.
Maybe they can tell him some horror stories and scare him into a more sensible and safe way of sharing your wonderful pool that won't leave your family at risk of losing everything you own.
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tell your husband
to ball up and revoke the standing invitation. if you won't do that, or he won't make it clear to the in-laws, then start shopping for a new zip code.
or get used to it.
or drain the pool for a season. maintenance you know. that might do the trick.
won't help the passive/aggressive issues between you and "daddy" though.
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Isn't there a fence around your pool?
Most communities require backyard pools to be fenced in -- they're considered to be attractive nuisances that can present a danger to children. If your pool doesn't have a fence, I'd get one. First and foremost, it's for safety reasons (you don't want one of the neighborhood kids accidentally drowning in your pool) but it also has the happy side benefit of allowing you to control when your husband's cousin can use the pool.
Once your pool has a fence, lock the outside gate. Then, inform your husband's cousin that you need to keep the pool locked when it's not in use due to local safety laws. Also tell her that she now needs to call before coming over so that one of you can let her in. This should keep her from dropping in when you don't want her around. And never give her a key to the gate; tell her that the law requires only the homeowner to have it.
However, before you do any of this, make sure your husband is on board with the program. He needs to back you up with this plan. If his uncle and aunt make a scene, he can always blame your local government's silly laws. After all, his cousin is still going to be allowed to use the pool, it's just that she no longer can just drop in any time she pleases but must clear it with one of you first.
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Holy smoke
Why is everyone so fearful of being thought a bitch?
Lady, it's your house and it's your rules. Offending family member, my husband means well, and I love him and you dearly. But this isn't working out. Thanks so much for understanding, I really appreciate it.
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"While most people have enough couth not to actually take him up on his offer..."
LW, maybe it's just me, but I completely fail to understand how this cousin is uncouth, ill-mannered, insensitive, and just plain rude to use your pool without prior notice when
Your.
Husband.
Told.
Her.
To.
That doesn't make her a bad person. It makes your husband generous, and you afraid to tell the truth.
"While most people have enough couth not to actually take him up on his offer..." Oh, you mean most people are expected to assume your husband's word is worthless, and he is a liar and insincere in his invitations? Personally, I don't associate with people I assume are liars, so I don't get this at all.
You make it sound like this woman is heartlessly taking advantage of your husband's hospitality. Maybe she is. But you can't possibly know that, because apparently no one has told her yet that her actions are offensive to you! She cannot possibly stop doing what she does not know bothers you.
Stop blaming this poor woman for taking your husband up on his offer and doing only what she was told to do. For whatever reason she hasn't yet gotten your icy chill, but I sure do.
You have enough courage and energy to bitch to perfect strangers about how horrible she is for having taken your husband at his word... why not turn some of that energy toward calmly telling her the situation has changed and you'd like her to call ahead from now on? It'd be a mere fraction of the resources you've already spent in resenting her and hating her unwanted presence in your personal domain.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but I cannot stand people who politely lie for the social approval, and then get angry when someone didn't assume they were lying. Can't have it both ways. Straightforward people like me never know where your boundaries really are, and I don't think you can blame this cousin for not knowing either.
I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. If you say something *clearly and directly* to her about what your expectations are and she doesn't comply, THEN you have a problem. But until then, speak a few carefully placed and COURTEOUS words to her, or to your husband, or forever hold your peace.