Letters to the Editor
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Frequency.
I wasn't going to respond because there is such a great range of responses that a few will resonate with the LW.
Then I re-read the letter. Once, or implied on occasion twice, a week doesn't seem like gross abuse. Somehow I'd got the idea while reading the letters that it was 3 or 4 times a week. If this is the only person abusing the favour, and it's mostly only once a week, then what we're seeing is the writer's aggravation building up, not some horrific abuse by a socially de-tuned moron. I think a once a week response to a warm and open invitation by a close relative is not unreasonable given that it could be construed as a quick swim for the kids after school each day!
Given that, I suggest the LW focus on the responses aimed at having the cousin ring because there may be something else going on. Just "I'll be having some people over some time next week, could you give us a call to check the times don't clash, I found it awkward last time when we were entertaining". That's enough. Not "you ruined it" or "you haunt my house" or "here's your schedule". Who needs a schedule for a once a week visit?* Then when she phones if it's yea or nay, warmly thank her for calling first and say you really appreciated it.
I understand that a small irritant grows over time, but keep it in perspective.
* although I agree that the flag's a simple and terrific idea.
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This question SHOULD have gone to Miss Manners
... She would have given a better response.
Lots of good ideas posted here.
As for Cary's dismissal of Miss Manners, though, ditto Bsloane and others ... It gets tiresome when people trash the idea of etiquette with a boastful comment in the vein of, "Well, manners are all well and good for those fussy types -- I, on the other hand, never bother with them because I'm so honest and 'real'."
Being thoughtless doesn't mean you're any more "real." It means you're rude.
And being polite doesn't equate to being a doormat.
LW doesn't need to be a doormat, either. She should take a cue from some of these suggestions.
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Easy Peasy
Take the water out of the pool for a few months. Seriously. Just take the water out. The next time your husband's rude relative comes by with kids in tow, she will be stunned to see that the pool is unusable. Then, put it back when it appears everyone (everyone being your husband's cretin relative who probably knows she's overstepping her bounds) has forgotten about using the pool.
Also, while the water is out of the pool, might I suggest putting up a fence with a lock on it around the pool or around the yard with the pool in it? Make it a pretty fence with some nice ivy on it or something but difficult to get into. That way, no one gets into your backyard without your permission.
Then, when your husband's rude relatives show up for swimming after the water is back, tell them they need to call first to use the pool from now on and right now you're busy. Smile, grab your keys and leave the house. Go for a 10 minute errand and come back when you see they're gone. They will never return without permission because 1) you have a lock on the gate 2) now you have some boundaries.
Finally, sit down with your husband, who you are really, really mad at for causing this and discuss boundaries. It isn't appropriate for someone to use your pool when you aren't there, without calling, etc. etc. By okay-ing that, your husband set you both up for the super rude behavior you are seeing now. He needs to knock that stuff off or you'll be having his relatives show up to watch your HD tv at 4am and eat the food in your refrigerator, borrow your car, pee on your lawn and so on and so on. Boundaries are good. Frost's poem about fences might be a nice addition to pop up on the fridge to remind you both of the ways in which good fences make good neighbors.
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PS
Also, you should be aware that your husband's relatives would be the first to SUE you if one of them were injured in your backyard while swimming in your pool without your permission. Act on this stuff quickly!