Letters to the Editor
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just be nice, and honest.
As so many people have said here, this is just about being nice, and being honest. It's also about getting things straight with your husband.
I once had a friend who completely overstepped his bounds and was taking advantage of my kindness when I offered free professional services to him. I got really annoyed and finally decided to confront him. I thought about all the things I liked about him and the reasons why we were friends. And that's how I started the conversation.
Then I very politely told him that I realized that when I offered my help that I didn't realize it would take so much out of me, and that I really needed to step back, that I was happy to help but I just needed to balance it with other things; that I didn't feel like my help was entirely appreciated and that maybe we could work out a way by which he could get the help he needed and I could get the appreciation I needed, either through payment or trade or some other thing.
Things were a little awkward at first - he was afraid of offending me or asking for help again. So I offered help when I knew he needed it, and then said, "and you can take me to lunch next week to thank me - when would you like to get together?" Everything ended up working out well - we both got what we needed.
Setting boundaries is healthy and positive; rather than focusing on how annoying your cousin is, do a little mea culpa with her and say you've realized you need a little more personal space and privacy at home, and you would love for her to use the pool but just would like a phone call, and maybe set up some boundaries in terms of what times and days are okay and what are not; that if you're entertaining guests it's inappropriate, etc. Admit fault for not realizing this would be a problem, and have the conversation with compassion and good humor.
And then invite them and the aunt/uncle over for a pool party, and have them bring part of the main course.
Family and boundaries are a healthy combination, and create more harmony together. Try it!
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oh, and...
...having some information ready about public pools or other facilities in the area at her disposal might be a good backup plan for the days your pool is not available. ;)
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Good boundaries and Good relationships
First off, I advise against being defensive towards a person who might've been insensitive to the LW. Perhaps this guest does not realize that she has overstepped bounds. By being overly harsh to the guest-lady and her kids, the LW stands to alienate them. Given that she is family, such things are not good for the overall atmosphere in the extended family. It also sounds like the guest-gal is young enough to not realize limits people have, even when they are generous.
So, the LW might best served by being honest and gentle in having a kind but not alienating conversation with the guest. Sometimes real friendships and sensitivity might develop due to such encounters. Perhaps the LW might not want friendship but still it never does hurt to be gentle in setting limits or in enforcing them.
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Asking her to call first
won't do any good. You and your husband already have problems saying no. If you ask her to call first, you are putting yourselves in a situation of having to say no frequently.
So, if you want to become better at saying no, this would be a good way to learn. But, if you don't, just set up a schedule that works for you (Tuesday nights, whatever).
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Former pool owner speaks out
When I lived in Florida a couple of years back, we had a swimming pool. This is no indication of great affluence IN FLORIDA, because down there pools are about as common as two-car garages are up north.
It was rare there to see a pool that wasn't fenced AND inside a screened enclosure, and often a "pool fence" to keep children out. There IS a huge liability here, and only an idiot (the husband apparently) would encourage ANYBODY, even adults, to use a pool with the owner absent.
However, the damage is done. The LW is clear that the husband made the offer, and to take it back would anger the cousin's parents as well as the cousin, and cause all kinds of inter-family fighting -- people who talk casually about being rude or lecturing or insulting have clearly never been on the end of this kind of family fight.
I get the impression that the LW is older, kids grown (or no kids) and wanted a quiet, pretty pool to enjoy visually. The cousin is younger, has young kids and wants the pool to play in. No one has mentioned the cousins kids -- the invitation was probably aimed squarely at them, in a spirit of generousity by the hubby, and now anybody "taking it back" is basically going to disappoint them. The cousin is getting something relatively expensive for free (pool passes around me run $75 and up for family), not to mention that an private pool is much cleaner than a public one, you can bring inflatable toys, there are no rules or forced pool break time, no life guards to yell at you. You have it all to yourselves! plus, a private pool is very likely to be heated.
And most of the suggestions posters are making (drain the pool) would also ruin the pleasure of it for the LW.
I think only a couple of these ideas have any potential. I would definitely lock the gate (I think there must be one -- nobody would build a pool today without one). When the cousin shows up and the pool is locked, she'll complain -- this might open the conversation to some reasonable rules and times.
The idea of a sign, posted on said gate, saying "The pool is closed for cleaning" is a good one. I'd probably use this myself. It doesn't aim criticism at anyone, and it's likely to be true. If the cousin complains "why?", again this would open some conversation, i.e., "we'll let you know when it's open again, and what times you can use it". Unless she lives around the block, she won't want to load up the car and drive over only to have disappointed kids.
But at the heart of this is the LWs husband, and his big mouth. It's his big mouth, and his family, so HE (not her) is the one who has to do damage control, if locking the gate and posting a sign won't help. In any case, remember there will be a pack of kids here, who were promised one thing and delivered another -- they are not the ones at fault.
Generally, most reasonable adults don't take such offers at face value -- we understand that a lot of such offers ("You can borrow my _____ anytime! Just help yourself!") are just people showing off their basically magnaminous INTENTIONS, but don't really constitute a real offer to raid the garage, or the pool, or the orchard.
Speaking of orchards: the one sincere offer might have been the lemons. If you have ever had citrus trees, they come into fruit all at once, and if you don't get rid of it, it rots. In Florida, I had only 3 citrus trees (orange, lemon and grapefruit) and one of our BIG, miserable jobs was to gather up the fallen fruit, fill giant Hefty bags with a heavy load, and drag it out to the curb. So did all our neighbors. Most homegrown citrus ends up in a landfill -- it doesn't keep forever and nobody wants 100,000 jars of homemade marmalade. So Cary, and you and the Mrs. would have been fine to take a bag of lemons.
On the other hand, this does not apply to more valuable fruit, such as cherries.