Letters to the Editor
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It is about being a doormat.
To have generosity one must first have control. Once she takes back control of the pool and respect from her husband (who was really out of line) she can be generous. Swallowing anger over being taken advantage of is NOT generous.
Her HUSBAND offers an open invitation WITHOUT consulting her. Her privacy is invaded. The cousin doesn't take hints. She needs to NOT reward that behavior.
Generousity is having put up with this this long. Allowing people to use the pool on her negotiated terms is generous.
Rewarding bad behavior is a good way to hurt one's self. Talking yourself out of legitimate feelings is being a doormat. Letting people take advantage of you and your pool without protest is making yourself a doormat.
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Keep it simple...
First the LW’s biggest problem is with her husband. He made a ridiculously open invitation without discussing it with her. He is more concerned about potentially upsetting touchy relatives than her. (If the relatives are that easily offended, they can always find something to be offended about.) She needs to resolve this issue with her husband.
Dear Cousin is a clod if she’s unaware that she is taking the invitation too literally and being intrusive.
The best solution is for the LW’s husband to rescind or amend his invitation. This is probably unlikely, so the LW needs to be a big girl and take care of it.
She needs to decide how often and under what conditions she doesn’t mind the cousin using the pool, if any.
Now for the simple part – Don’t do some elaborate passive-aggressive manipulation/game to discourage the cousin. Don’t tell some elaborate lie or justification. Don’t over-apologize or over-explain. Just tell her the truth as diplomatically as you can. If she chooses to be offended, that’s up to her. The LW has a right to privacy and to control her own home.
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Miss Manners...
... would likely take umbrage with someone offering lemons to another while in earshot of those to whom she doesn't want, or intend, to give lemons to. Replace lemons with cake, would one ever be so bold as to offer only one guest some cake? I don't think so. Miss Manners likely would have approved of your kind way of pointing out the lemon-tree owner's faux pas by saying that you would also like some lemons.
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Why not get a lightweight tarp, and pull it over your pool on days when you are not home, and futher, yes, tell the cousin that there is a serious ph problem in the pool and until that is corrected all open invitiations are cancelled.
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generosity
swallowing anger is not generosity
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Maybe I'm a wuss
But I'd just go with the liability/insurance excuse. Why provoke a confrontation with a relative when it's the husband, Mr. "I Wanna Be a Bigshot Pool-Owning Neighborhood Hero," who's caused the whole problem in the first place?
Waiting for hubby to address it will do no good, as he clearly lacks any understanding as to why this might be a problem in the first place.
Lengthy, apologetic, long-winded excuses will come across as forced and insincere; in addition, there's a very good possibility, if the cousin is clueless or evil enough, she'll use any apologetic excuse as a point of negotiation and try to bargain her way back to unfettered pool access. I've had conversations like that; they're exhausting and unproductive.
A blunt "get the hell out" might make LW feel better momentarily, but it will also likely embarrass and/or anger the cousin, who will spend the next 20 years making obnoxious, sarcastic comments at every family gathering and badmouth LW to all the other relatives.
Nope. I vote for the liability option. It's perfectly rational, justifiable, and finite - there's no arguing with an insurance company.
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Miss Manners, again, because I love her
Miss Manners likely would have approved of your kind way of pointing out the lemon-tree owner's faux pas by saying that you would also like some lemons.
No, Miss Manners would never approve of pointing out someone else's rudeness. That would be meeting rudeness with rudeness, never OK in Miss Manners book.
But you're right, offering lemons to one guest and not others is rude. Perhaps the hostess meant it to be an open invitation to all within earshot and Cary's escort misread the situation. Miss Manners also always assumes the best intentions of her hosts.
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re: Lauren F
I don't want any relatives who don't "get it" that they don't own my stuff and they don't get to live in my house.
Did you miss the part where the cousin's children broke up the LW's party? This isn't a theoretical someday the cousin might annoy her situation; this is a situation where the cousin has already ruined one party. She's already made annoying comments. She's not a person the LW wants to get to know better. And, amazingly enough, the LW doesn't have to get to know her better. It's her house and her life and she gets to pick her friends, not have them forced on her.
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Hey
I want to be Lauren F.'s friend, then her stuff will become my stuff too! This girl really loves to share!
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Use a flag or banner to signal pool availability!
Hi:
Dear Abby did indeed have a whole column about this issue. Her suggestion was to set out a signal (e.g. a flag on a pole), and tell everybody that when the pool is open for drop-in swimming whenever the flag is up. If they arrive when the flag is down, then you can point to the flag and sweetly say sorry. The cousin and other freeloaders will soon learn to call first to find out if the flag was up.
This has the advantage of being applied to everyone across the board, so that the cousin/aunt/uncle are less likely to take it personally. Also, it helps the LW set her own expectations for privacy, or the lack thereof. I suspect that the LW has a greater need for privacy than her husband.
My spin on this is to start with the flag up most of the time, then slowly dial it down to less often.
-Teresa