Letters to the Editor
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@Lauren F.
"Why is there such a consensus that the LW ought to take control and draw a line around what she owns even at the expense of family relations?"
Because it's partly her pool, not the extended family's pool.
"I do not see any real harm or loss of happiness to the LW based on her letter. She doesn't report that they're creating huge messes or terrible noise."
No, but she has lost privacy. The cousins show up at all sorts of times unannounced. Yes that's rude, but the cousins
don't get it.
"What she is really upset about is the fact that at some point in the future she may want to use the pool all alone and God forbid, someone else might be in there."
And there's *NOTHING* wrong with that. Having a pool and sharing it does not mean it's open all the time.
"This is about a perception - or fear - of scarcity. She is an affluent woman with a 'luxurious' pool, yet she is terrified that by letting others use it she will somehow lose out."
I don't see that at all. What I see is that she doesn't want the cousins around all the time using the pool. Some of the time is OK.
The pool is on private property. LW and spouse are responsible for it, legally, financially, environmentally, etc. It's *their* pool. That means LW doesn't have to share it all the time.
What LW has now is a responsibility for the pool without the authority to limit its use. That's just wrong.
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Drain the pool !
Then next time she comes over unannounced she'll regret not calling ahead. Tell her it was for maintenance. She's bound to say "Why didn't you call to tell me you were draining it? You know I like to use it." To which you can say: "Well, you could have called before you came over. I really can't be expected to keep track of everyone who uses the pool and call them when I'm doing maintenance. I'd be on the phone all day." And your point will be made.
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As manymany other posters have said
Talk to your husband. Failing that, get a water-loving dog (Labrador Retrievers and Portuguese Water Dogs are good). When your cousin is over with the kids in the pool, open the back door and say "Hiiiii!!!" Let Rover shoot out and dive into the pool. Go back in the house. It's Rover's pool too!
If your cousin doesn't mind sharing the pool with the dog, good for her. But she probably will.
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Lauren:
This is about a perception - or fear - of scarcity. She is an affluent woman with a 'luxurious' pool, yet she is terrified that by letting others use it she will somehow lose out.
"Perception?" Excuse me, but the danger of personal injury, leading to an impoverishing lawsuit, is a repeatedly-observable reality, not a "perception." What planet are you writing from? Are you able to access the thirteen pages of comments that preceded yours from there? If you were, you would not have had to ask a lot of airheaded questions that only how your refusal to understand the situation.
You sound like a selfish overgrown child pretending to have no use for stuffy killjoy grownup rules. Or are you just one of those people who think "affluent" people don't have rights?
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I like the idea of the insurance policy
I would check your insurance policy and city/county rules regarding the pool. I'm almost positive you would be held responsible if one of her kids or herself was hurt in your pool.
Then you can give them to your husband as his out. Have him tell the cousin, sorry Cousin but my insurance adjuster said that we would be in danger of losing our policy if we allow people to swim in our pool when we aren't home.
Please call first and see if we are home and we'll be happy to let you in. Then you both can just use caller ID to screen for when she calls, while also extending occasional pool party invites to her and the kids so she won't think that she's being kicked out of the pool permanently. He can say it's all insurances fault and stave off grudges, you can screen calls to not let her come over when you don't want her there and also prevent things like her jumping in when you are having a party she wasn't invited to.
Also, you need to discuss with your husband what being a team means, that he can't just extend open invitations to your home to whomever he wants whenever he wants when you both live there. He made a big mistake issuing an open door policy to anyone, no one should just feel free to come over to your house without calling first, it's just rude.
He needs to learn some common courtesy too. I totally understand not wanting people at your house when you come home from work. My husband always asks if it's okay for guests to come over and so do I, neither of us assumes we can have our friends or family over without checking with the other first. It's the same with your children, they should always check with mom and dad before inviting guests over. You need to teach him the organizational chart of happiness, that yours comes first, then the kids, then parents, then grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.
And honestly if the cousin is going to hold a grudge about being told she needs to call before coming over to use your pool, tell your husband to make a choice, whom does he want, an unhappy wife or some bitching cousin whining about not having free unfettered use of a pool she doesn't own?
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lauren has a point
to some previous poster: let's not confuse 'generosity' with 'being a doormat' -- they are not the same.
It's nice to have a generous spirit, and to bring up an option here other than 'nudity' and 'snickers bars.'
of course the LW has a right to privacy and property, but the generosity idea is also food for thought.