Letters to the Editor
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Snickers bars float
Or jump in the pool naked the next time they invite themselves over.
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Why so stingy?
I am baffled by the responses to this LW, as I was when the owner of the condo parking space wrote in. Why is there such a consensus that the LW ought to take control and draw a line around what she owns even at the expense of family relations?
I do not see any real harm or loss of happiness to the LW based on her letter. She doesn't report that they're creating huge messes or terrible noise. No. What she is really upset about is the fact that at some point in the future she may want to use the pool all alone and God forbid, someone else might be in there. This is about a perception - or fear - of scarcity. She is an affluent woman with a 'luxurious' pool, yet she is terrified that by letting others use it she will somehow lose out.
The LW only sees the sharing of the pool as something which will create a loss for her. I would suggest that instead she looks at how sharing the pool could add to her life. She could develop a closer bond with her husband's family. She could get to know the children of the cousin better as they grow up. She could look like a magnanimous host. Rather than trying to figure out how to keep people away, and avoiding the cousin, she could sit down for a cup of tea with her. Talk to her. Become better friends. Enjoy the fact that she is able to provide these children with a place to exercise and cool off.
Sometimes there really is enough to go around. But having read these responses, I fear that America will never manage to get a National Health Service because there is such a sense of 'If other people get what I have then I will lose out.'
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I know what *I'd* do...
Of course, my 45-yr-old body would more likely freak Cuz out than turn her on... I'd say just about time she shows up, have a few drinks and wheeeeee, its SKINNY-DIPPIN'TIME!!! Watch my Naked Cannonball! Ker-splooooosh!
(Sorry if anyone else suggested this, I only had time to read 3 of 12 pages...)
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Use the pool.
Easy enough. Find a use for the pool that would allow you to change the rules for the cousin.
You have kids. Why not have one of them in training for the swim team, or even have the swim team over to practice sometimes?
"Sorry, Janie, but little Chrissy is joining a swim team, and they're going to be using our pool for practicing.. You're going to need to call before you come over to use it, I'd hate to disappoint you by turning you away once you're already here."
Alternately, you can have a group that meets in your backyard and swimmers would disrupt it. Have some friends over in a book club. have the meeting schedule change weekly, so, again, the cousin should call first before coming over.
What you want to do here is change the circumstances enough that you are able to get the cousin to call first. The actual trigger can be anything, but you need an excuse to provide cover for revoking 'just stop by' privs.
Just my $0.002.
-napalmgod
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It's not about fear of scarcity
It is about respect. Her husband did NOT ask her before inviting these people. And sometimes people don't want others there.
Lauren's way is the way of the doormat. If it belongs to the LW, she does not have to share it ALL OF THE TIME. She has the right to control the use of HER property. How about the cousin give the LW a hostess gift? Not barge in on guests? How about she learn about her cousins' children in another venue? How about her HUSBAND ASK HER before issuing invitations to their house? Consulting her is simply common courtesy, and her husbadn is so de-balled by his family that he did not even extend that courtesy to HIS WIFE.
It's not selfish to draw boundaries. It's not selfish to not want unannounced guests. It's not selfish to lock up a pool.
It has NOTHING to do with whether we get national health service. The biggest thing in the way of nationalized care is the insurance industry and their bought and paid for corrupt politicians.
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ask her to schedule her visits regularly?
If I were in your position, I would probably just want to know when to expect the cousin, so that I could plan around her visits for reasons of privacy or intimacy. This makes me think that even calling first isn't a great remedy to the situation (calling 15 minutes beforehand isn't a whole lot different from showing up randomly). What about asking the cousin to set up a regular swimming slot so that that she'll be expected whenever she comes over? If she wants to change it she can call and reschedule. . . and if you want that time slot you can let her know. That might make it clear that you still want her to be able to use your pool but that she could be more considerate of your space. It might be better if your husband says this since he's the one who said "come over whenever." It also doesn't have the effect of distancing the cousin by saying "you have to call first before you come over." You could phrase it like "hey, so you come over about once a week, right? do you think you could set up a regular time so that we know when to expect you? It would really help us out." You don't have to explain, but if she pesters you about it, you could just say that you occasionally need the pool (or even just the back yard) for private things. You also put yourself in the position of essentially asking her to agree to keep coming over but only on a specific day. Call it a little manipulative, but that's the way you have to play with families that hold grudges for years over perceived slights: YIKES. I am so glad my family isn't like that.