Letters to the Editor
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Don't just tell the truth, tell the whole truth.
I agree with many others that you ought to begin by telling the truth. However, I think you should be telling the whole truth. That you and your husband are of two minds about the pool. He really does want family to feel free to come over and use the pool even without calling but you need to have some control over the sanctuary you built. So I’d suggest something like this:
Some day late in the week, when you come home and see the cousin’s car in the driveway, don’t go inside the house and hide until she’s gone. Instead, change into comfy pool-side clothes, pour yourself a gin and tonic and head out to the pool. Then address the cousin directly, “I kind of hate to say this. I know that my lovely husband invited you to come and use the pool whenever you want. And he really means it – he is such a generous man. That’s one of the things I love so much about him. He’d probably be mortified if he knew I said this, but there are some days and times when I really wish I could have the backyard all to myself. That I could leave work knowing that when I get home I could retreat to this sanctuary all on my own. I know that probably sounds really selfish, and I’m sure it’s because it’s been such a long week at work. But I wish he hadn’t said ‘come over whenever you want, you don’t need to call’ Because I’d really appreciate it if people called first.”
And your cousin may have an epiphany on the spot, about how inconsiderate she’s been stopping over unannounced with her kids to splash about rambunctiously in your pool. Or she may think you’re selfish and hold a grudge against you. But you’ve decided that’s worth it, right? And they shouldn’t be holding grudges against your husband. He’s the generous one who really meant it when he said come by unannounced, it’s just his snobby wife that got in the way, right? So if you get your sanctuary back, and the relatives don’t think ill of your husband then everyone gets what they want.
What it all boils down to is that it’s more important to your husband to maintain good relationships with grudge-holding family members. As for you, it’s more important to protect your sanctuary. Nobody is better or more righteous for their priorities. But to the extent this is true, you are well-served by being honest about it. Asking him to bear the grudges of his aunt and uncle on behalf of your priority seems as unfair as him asking you to sacrifice your retreat on behalf of his.
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About those lemons, Cary
I have a nice lemon tree. I took such excellent care of it, now I get a yield of about 300 lemons that all start turning ripe right in the middle of the Christmas holidays when I have ten zillion other things to do.
When I politely offer someone lemons from my tree, what I am really saying is, "HELP TAKE SOME OF THESE THINGS OFF MY HANDS PLEASE BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY I CAN USE ALL OF THESE BEFORE THEY GO BAD."
Cary, feel free to share that with the person who shushed you.
There is no way you are being rude by offering to take lemons from somebody's tree.
If you have a lemon tree, you will always end up giving half of them away.
They're probably still drinking Meyer lemonade at the local homeless shelter now.
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If someone got injured when you were not there
you would be liable. You could be sued and lose your home. Call your insurance agent and inquire as to what is covered and what is not. If you got sued, that would not be good.
Merely state that there is no swimming unless you are notified, due to the insurance risk. Make the open time regular - every Sat and Sun from 1-6, and Wed from 5-8. Other than that, no swimming.
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Good Cop Bad Cop
Your husband will probably wuss on talking to the cousin. You do it, and DO NOT ASK HIM FIRST. He was wrong to not ask you first, and he needs some natural consequences now. Tell him AFTER you do this. Say "my husband did not consult me. I don't want people in the pool when I'm not here. Feel free to get mad at me. If you want to hold a petty little grudge and get mad, hold it on me. But you need to call first." I've found naming the elephant (the grudge holding) to destroy it's power. WHo wants to seem petty.
She may argue, but just repeat that she needs to call first. There can be no negotiation without two people.
Don't apologize, or say "I'm sorry". If she thinks you are a bitch, so be it. That family needs to understand that you have families.
I used to worry about grudges. Then I got hit by a vicious act from a family member for based on an imaginary act. They made shit up out of whole clth, and tried to blame me for it. That was my "Fuck it" moment. If they get mad, they get mad. Friends are the family you get to choose. If the blood relatives act a fool, replace them.
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Illinois law?
I think that was a gross oversimplification of Illinois law. The duty you owe to an "invitee" is different from that owed to a trespassing child who wanders into your pool and drowns.
Liability is a real issue, even if the LW wasn't asking about it. Tell the cousin you cannot have anyone in the pool without the homeowner's supervision, period. Then just be unavailable to supervise.
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Too late...
Crap. I wasn't the first to think of the nudity thing. I must be slipping.
As for flags and schedules and calling ahead, take a good look- if this person is brazen and crass enough to A) bring her family to your pool when no one's home and B) crash a party you are having with other guests, then none of these "gentle" solutions will work. Those things are subtle reminders of common courtesy; they are meant to remind people of normal socially-acceptable behavior and give the signal that you won't tolerate anything less. That only works on people who are ALREADY attuned to common courtesy. This woman isn't, as evidenced by A and B.
I guarantee that if you hoist a flag, she will still barge in, saying "oh, surely that doesn't apply to ME >batting eyelashes<." Or "well, we drove all this way, and the kids were SO excited to get to swim, surely you won't make us drive all the way home again..." As for schedules, she will always have some special reason to need to change it at the last minute. And as for calling ahead, you KNOW in your heart of hearts that either A) hubby will tell her that it's AOK with him, B) you will answer and she'll whine and guilt-trip you into saying ok, or C) you won't be home and she'll come over anyway.
Face it, you HAVE to tell her straight-up that you don't want people coming over all the time unannounced. Who gives a shit if it alienates her and her folks?? Good! Then they'll never come over! Hazzah! And then go kick your husband where his balls would have been. :)