Letters to the Editor
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Miss Manners
Why are you so persistently trashing good manners? Do you think it implies that you are more genuine?
The argument that we live in a great big terrible world and therefore manners do not matter is a tired old smokescreen for bad behavior. Look around. Read the letters in response to your column, let alone other columns. Nasty behavior is all too frequent, and frequently disguises itself as honesty. The proponents of this spurious honesty feel they have a right to say anything they wish to anyone at any time.
I will go this far with you: I distinguish courtesy from trivialities such as which fork to use. Courtesy and snobbish fixed behavior are two different things. Courtesy is extremely valuable and requires practice, effort, and judgment. It is at root a respect for the rights and wellbeing of others. This is not trivial, but the essence of civilization.
Asking for lemons does not strike me as discourteous. I would probably do the same thing, first saying something like, If you really feel you have too many, and you wouldn't mind, I would love some lemons. Doesn't take a lot longer than Let's have them there lemons then, and is careful of the intentions and desires of others. Perhaps the person meant to be boasting of the fruitfulness of the tree, not giving lemons away. Perhaps the person was expressing amazement, not giving lemons away. Courtesy tries not to assume too much and leaves the option with the other person.
Going out and picking lemons off the person's tree without permission because that person said he or she had too many--now that IS discourteous.
I wish there were more courtesy in the world, not less.
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We used the flag method and where are these children going to the bathroom?
A board nailed to a tree high enough to be seen outside the privacy fence. Attach a pulley and rope with spring hooks like on the end of a dog leash; they are at the hardware store. Run flags up the tree depending on the pool owners' mood. Red flag=NO swimming today, green flag=come on in.
Fly the red flag all the time unless you are really okay with company and change to the green flag only then. Privacy fence should have an auto latching feature to keep children out. Push a little stick in the latch to keep it closed until the cousin "gets it."
AS FOR THIS PARTICULAR SITUATION:
A few times of showing up unannounced, seeing the red flag and the cousin will start calling first to save herself the wasted trip if they can't swim.
Are these children tracking in and out of the LW's house to use the bathroom? Where are they going to the bathroom when the LW is not home? Are they asking for drinks and towels, even occasionally? Are they leaving trash behind? Are they abusing lawn furniture and pool equipment? Do they use and destroy pool toys you have for your own children? Is the cousin expecting the LW to occasionally watch her childrren while she runs an errand?
The husband doesn't mind because he's at work. Tell him you expected him to consult you first (which he didn't do) and you expect him now to put your feelings ahead of his cousin and other relatives.
If this pushy cousin questions the change in rules, just say that at first it seemed like a fun idea to have a totally open policy but that it just didn't work out. Don't debate, don't elaborate, just repeat that it just didn't work out.
If the cousin comes on in even on a red flag, go out and say you're sooo sorry but this really is not a good time--that's why the flag was red.
All of this testifies to been there, done that.
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Okay, Here Goes
Do you and your husband talk about things before HE DOES THEM? If he had not extended open invitations to just about everyone before discussing it with you there would be no problems today. No one, absolutely no one, in their right mind tells people to just come over whenever they want to and run around our house!
That being said, it's time to risk the family grudge thing and have your husband tell Ms. Ungrateful Ill-Mannered Cousin that the "open invitation" has been revoked. He can lie if he has to and claim that so many people are coming over that he and you seldom ever have time for privacy.
If your husband refuses to deliver the news, and it sounds like he has, then you can simply, and calmly, tell him that you are going to revoke the open invitations as it is intruding on your privacy and well-being. Then tell her that she needs to start calling before she comes over...period. If she refuses, then you have to do some other things. When the dense don't want to get something, they don't seem to get it.
If that doesn't work, then tell the ingrate that your homeowner's insurance will no longer permit anyone swimming at the house without your being there. And seriously, I wonder what would happen if something happened to her or one of her kids? Would she sue you? Sounds to me like she would, claiming all along that it's not your money she's taking but the insurance companies' money.
Install a locked gate (it should have one anyway)and close off all entrances to the pool except through the house. Place a sign by the former entrance way and the front door that says "Due to liability, our pool rules now require the homeowner to be present and an advance request by all Guests and Family prior to use." If she climbs the fence, have her arrested for tresspassing.
And, yeah, place yellow crime scene tape and orange cones in front of the extra driveway parking spaces.
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Simple Answer
Oh, this one is sooooooo easy.
Just start sunbathing in the nude.
Your embarrassment will be so worth it for the look on her face.
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Husband needs to stop open arms policy
The husband opened the door to this behavior. But it's still inexcusable for the cousin to crash a social event as she did.
Two ways I see to handle this.
(1) Have husband call cousin & ask her if she'd like to come by and swim on a specific morning or afternoon. Tell her that your family has upcoming social plans with coworkers or school friends but that day is free & you don't want her to miss out. After that day, tell her that she doesn't have to be invited - she just has to call you whenever she wants a swim & you'll let her know if pool is available.
(2) Have husband call cousin AND other relatives & say something like this: I invited everyone to use pool whenever they want but wanted to let you know we have some social events coming up so pool won't be available. We'll be hosting work or school friends and acquaintances. You're welcome to continue to use pool - just make sure you give a call first to make sure it's available.