Letters to the Editor
-
@ DeeMom
Yes, it's another thing that BF doesn't stay at LW's place.
But LW does not say why BF doesn't stay at her place. Does he just refuse with no reason? Does one of them have pets that need care or trigger allergies? Is LW's place far away, small, or have some other problem?
Our feelings and inferences are not a substitute for facts.
-
Don't let him make up the rules in your relationship
If you let him define what is acceptable in your relationship, that will never ever change. You have to tell him what is or is not acceptable to you. Do you want to be the subordinate in this relationship? If not, then don't let him be the boss!
I speak from experience. Eleven years ago, I met a wonderful man. We were dating for about two months when this dude completely freaked out. He didn't want to be obligated, he said, to call me the day after seeing each other. Being an adult with some experience in relationships, I could see this for what it was. If I agreed to that, then after a date, he could certainly feel free to call me, but if I made the call, I would be violating the rules. So I told him I couldn't live with that, and, much to his surprise, we broke up.
About two weeks later I called him and told him I didn't think he meant to break up with me. We discussed our expectations like adults, he gave up on that whole "no obligation" thing, and about 6 months later we were engaged. We've been married for 9 years.
Now, your story may very well not end that way. Obviously he's afraid of letting go of his control, and he may be unable to do so. But either way, by being very clear about your own expectations, you WILL win. If this guy can't live with it, at least YOU can live with yourself. Don't be the puppy. Be a woman, stand up for yourself, and if your boyfriend can't deal with it, at least you'll be better prepared for your next relationship.
-
TIME TO MOVE BACK INTO...
your own place. Your paying the bills there, right? Why not enjoy it again like you used to before you became a fixture at this guy's place?
Men can be really selfish about having you there when they want you there and not there when they don't want you. Don't you see the "what's wrong with this picture?" part of your story? You are moving in - and out- dragging your stuff there - dragging your stuff back - sitting and waiting - sitting and waiting.
You don't need a key to his place. You need a map back to your own place in the world. Go back home. Tell him you're fixing dinner on Tuesday night and he should come over - and, oh yeah, bring a change of clothes if he needs one for the next day.
-
At least he's honest
Say what you will about the boyfriend, but at least he's honest about his intentions. He's upfront that the girlfriend is not that important to him, and that seeing her frequently is not his priority. Personally, I would run for the hills but if the LW want to continue being treated like a puppy, at least she knows what she's signing up for.
It could be worse - some guys would hand over the key even though they didn't want to make the commitment and then find some other minor reason to become distant and dump her. At least he's not lying about his level of commitment (very low).
-
Back away
Re-establish your boundaries. Either he doesn't care for you much, or he's not ready to share the key and all that portends. So give him the space and reclaim your own. Make it clear that if he wants to be with you, he needs to act like it.
In the meantime, do not tolerate being inconvenienced by this guy. Get your stuff OUT of that apartment ASAP; just tell him it is highly inconvenient to not have access to your things and it's not OK. No more sleepovers, unless it's at your place and it's convenient for you. Be clearer about when something is OK and when it is not. (And prepare yourself to move on--to a better relationship!)
And for future reference: NEVER, never, never do chores for a grown man. Unless he is physically crippled, he can fetch his own groceries, laundry etc. Only when you're wearing that wedding band do you even begin to consider the chores.
-
@ Jugshouthgate
I'm afraid you are completely missing the point. It's not about him not being ready and she's pushing him into commitment- because HE is already pushing HER into commitment but refuses to to treat her like a partner.
"He still will not give me a key, and HE INSISTS that I continue to LIVE OUT OF A BAG. He wants me to stay at his place, but pack a DIFFERENT BAG EACH TIME so that I never need to go inside without HIM OPENING THE DOOR. (my bolds.)" That's just batshit crazy.
I'm sorry, Jug, but this is bullshit. You don't tell someone that they need to live out of a bag just to be with you. If he is inviting her over, and telling her to bring her stuff, AND telling her that it's not acceptable for her to live at her OWN place, then she needs a damn key so she can USE her own stuff. That's just common sense. If he's "not ready" for the implied commitment of a key, then he needs to let her operate out of her own apartment sans ultimatums about seeing her less if she does.
The bottm line of the whole aregument is this: no matter which way you slice it, there is NO REASONABLE EXCUSE for his behavior.
-
Also, my experience
I also wanted to interject my own experience with this- I'm dating a wonderful man (we are mid 30's and both divorced) for two years now, and he's got "issues" with emotional abuse and invasion of space from his ex-wife. I, too, was living out of a bag for a long time; he's kinda far away and I can't just pop over to my place to change for work, etc. It's taken him a long time to feel comfortable enough and trust me enough to let me start to have my stuff there and, you know, semi-move in. But, dammit, he's given me a key. Only after two years has he been ready, but as soon as I put stuff in a closet and stuck my toothbrush in the holder he handed me the key. He's still a little nervous about me going over there when he's not home (he does have two would-be escapee dogs,) but he has NEVER EVER EVER denied me access to my own belongings that HE ALLOWED me to keep there. Period. And he has never treated me with dosrespect, either. So you see, there's room for "issues" without treating someone like a dog.