Letters to the Editor
-
@ Tara21
I agree with your feeling about the BF not wanting a key to LW's place, but that's not the issue.
It's simple fairness that if LW wants a key to BF's place, BF should have a key to LW's place. We don't know for a fact if BF has a key, or has even been offered one.
If what BF wants is for the relationship to have certain limits, such as LW not having a key, that's perfectly fine as long as those limits go both ways. Plus BF has to accept the natural consequences: LW isn't going to spend as much time there, isn't going to do many of the things she's been doing, and most of all isn't going to be unreasonably inconvenienced by lack of a key. Let BF shop for his own groceries if he won't give a key and cannot guarantee to be there before LW shows up. Simple as that.
I've been in long-term serious relationships where keys were shared, and in others where they weren't. Also did the hide-a-key thing. All can work but the natural consequences have to be accepted.
-
Bag this guy
Cary's advice was absolutely perfect. But I would not even give this guy the chance to prove he really wants you, LW. I would just bag him. While this guy might not have other girlfriends who stay over, he definitely does not want you snooping in his stuff, LW. Why? If he travels a lot, he might have girlfriends in other cities, or maybe even boyfriends whom he is e-mailing, or he's into online porn, or other cyber stuff he does not want you into his computer checking. In any case, there is a degree of if not outright dishonesty, then certainly not a quality of being forthcoming which is what is needed in a real relationship.
-
On the other hand...
You know, this is a tough one for me. I agree with pretty much everything Cary said... about pulling back, about creating "natural consequences" for his decision to give over the key.
But, while I know Cary has to go with what he has, I really want to ask the LW to tell us more about their relationship. How long have they been dating? Are they exclusive? Do they take trips together or are they planning vacations? Does she know his friends and vice-versa? Does he talk about his family with her? I'd want to explore if they are sharing a bed or starting to share a life.
Because I think evaluating the motives of the boyfriend requires more of a sense of what kind of relationship they each think they currently have. The mental image of the LW waiting outside with the necessities to cook a fine dinner while the boyfriend does another set at the gym paints a bleak picture. But how does our image change if we hear that she decided to surprise him with cooking dinner and most nights they eat separately? Or if it turned out that he was 10 minutes late because of an accident on the roadway? Does your opinion of the boyfriend's decision to hold on his key change if you find they have only been dating for six weeks? We have all had friends and lovers waiting outside our door because we were late for one reason or another, but we'd only even think about handing out a key if it was appropriate for where we were in the relationship.
Having been on both sides of this situation, I suspect that this has to do with much more than a piece of metal. Although the LW tries to convince us (and perhaps herself) that having a key is simply a matter of convenience, I think most people would agree that that you don't just hand your access to your home to just anyone. It is a major relationship milestone (whether the person is a friend or lover) and, far from being the inconsiderate jerk that some of my fellow writers feel comfortable labelling him, it may be that the boyfriend simply does not want to send a message that does not match his feelings.
There will be some that assume I'm defending the boyfriend's actions. I'm not. I'm simply suggesting that this is not as cut and dry as some people seem to think. I don't deny the possibility that the boyfriend is a self-centered individual who wants the world to revolve around what works best for him. Cary's suggestion of spending less time in his orbit might be one way to shed some light on whether this is the case. But I'd also encourage the LW to consider whether it may be that her expectations of their relationship (which include unlimited access to his personal space) do not match her boyfriend's. If that is the case, then she should consider whether she is willing to wait until they do match or if she will be come so frustrated that it would be better to break things off before angry words are exchanged.
-
To key or not to key.
Some old-fashioned manners hold whether the genders are reversed or even if the couple are of the same gender. You live somewhere, you get a key. As a guest, you don't. In his mind, you are a guest.
Miss Manners will tell you that as a guest, you are not expected to wait out on the steps like a door mat when the host is running late. Furthermore, as a guest, you don't bring the groceries and do the cooking; that is host's job. You can take a turn when you reciprocate with an invitation to dinner at your place.
I'm not going to bash the dude for not giving up a key. It's his place. But all the "He says ...." "He insists ...." and "He didn't like it....." makes me cringe. This is not a perfect relationship but for one tiny little issue about a key. You have a much bigger problem. If you don't want to be treated like a puppy, quit sittin' by the door waiting for the Master to come home
-
Why buy the cow when the milk is free?
I know it's sort of a crude expression, but it holds some truth in it. He isn't giving you a key because he doesn't want to marry or live with you. He get's what he wants from you without any pesky attachments like "keys". Leave him. Go back to your apartment and stop investing in a relationship that will never move on to the next level. He is a jerk and you are letting him use you.