Letters to the Editor
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The obvious
I can't believe no one has mentioned the obvious. He has other women there! That is why she can't come and go, and all the control bullshit. He has multiple girlfriends. Not uncommon.
The advice remains the same, of course: DTMFA!
Or use him for sex and money ;)
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if the genders were reversed
I have to laugh at how often this comes up on Salon message boards: "If the genders were reversed, everyone would..."
Alonso says "I can't help thinking .... In that case, I suspect... " and finally "I'm detecting a gender bias." His detection of a gender bias is based on his own thought experiment of a hypothetical situation.
I'm not saying this to bash Alonso, but to point out how riled up we get about gender stuff, getting our dander up with little or not provocation.
To tell you the truth I sometimes agree that 'if the roles were reversed' but it's because i also think there are certain hard-wired differences between men and women, and what their actions mean and what their motivations are. Especially in romance situations -- massive generalization, but still.
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Poor Alfonso
All those evil wimmin and their 'feminism', eh?
Lol
The boyfriend wants the girl to run errands for him and rearrange her life to make his more convenient. I don't see him shopping for her or going round to her apartment all hours of the day. Yet he doesn't want her to have a key. She is basically his housekeeper but without a key.
Or s/he is basically his or her housekeeper but without a key. (Or whatever gender neutral sentence wont offend his majesty).
This is not about gender, this is about power. I've met plenty of women who control their boyfriends and vice versa. Either way it is unhealthy.
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Multiple girlfriends don't mind that she lives there mostly?
He has multiple girlfriends.
Except that she's there all the time and keeps her clothes in his closet. I find it unlikely that the other "girlfriends" would be content with *that* arrangement.
It looks to me like he just wants her to jump when he says jump. If her description of him is accurate, he shows zero interest in accommodating her needs or desires, but expects her to accommodate his at all times (doesn't want her to move her stuff back home and doesn't want to stay at her place sometimes, but also doesn't want to make it easy for her to live by his desired arrangement.)
If he's threatening her with "we'll see less of each other" then it's a threat he's OK with following through on. That's the heart of the matter: he's fine with seeing less of her.
She needs to say now, "how about we see none of each other?" and make a clean break. Tough but necessary to save her sanity. Self-doubt is pernicious and will eat your soul.
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Plenty have mentioned it -- but please READ IT
And that would be the book "He's Just Not That Into You". Actually sit down and read the whole thing, LW.
I think most pop advice books are garbage, not worth the paper they are printed on, but this is one of the exceptions. It's a little simplistic and breezy, but the basic message is solid and a LOT of women need to hear it: if a man treats you crappy, if he acts like he's doing you a big favor just being with you, if he has zero interest in furthering the relationship (and you do)....STOP making excuses for him, and STOP being so good and understanding. GET OUT and find a man who actually cherishes you and cares about your feelings.
If the LW was my friend, one of the first things I would ask her is: "Is he cute?" Because a lot of women (and even more men) f**k up their lives pursuing someone whose physical appearance is exactly what they have been dreaming of, and in order to get those cute looks, they are forcing themselves to put up with someone who is distant or angry or controlling or cold (and in the most extreme cases, abusive or violent).
It can be very difficult to give up "the dream" of having a perfect looking partner, or a partner who "has the right resume" (i.e., they work in a field that appeals to you, they do something "cool" like music or writing, they are wealthy, they have a cool apartment, etc.). But trust me, what the LW (and everyone else) needs in a life partner is someone who is honest, trustworthy, loving, loyal, emotionally giving, KIND AND FAIR. Those are the qualities that count, those are the qualities that last...those are the qualities of a spouse, a life partner and perhaps a co-parent for your future children.
Unfortunately, those qualities are not always bundled with good looks or six-pack abs or high paying jobs or cool apartments. (It's not impossible of course, but you certainly can't count on it.) Chasing a fantasy or a "dreamboat" is a sure path to future unhappiness.
It's painfully obvious to us, LW, that your boyfriend is using you for convenient sex (and possibly groceries or your cooking), and that he doesn't have deep emotional feelings for you. You don't say why he won't go to your apartment, but I can guess that his apartment is bigger, nicer looking, in a hipper neighborhood and he doesn't have roommates. Perhaps YOUR apartment is shabby and you have roommates.
However, in an AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIP, your boyfriend would be more actively pursuing YOU. If you two were not ready to share keys -- and I agree if you haven't dated long, or it's not that serious, maybe you should not be sharing keys -- then he should be willing to stay at your place about half the time...no matter how small or shabby or how many roommates. Because if you are just friends, well that's what friends do -- they share, they are considerate, they respect each other's spaces. Right now, your boyfriend is not sharing or being considerate AND he's not willing to go another step towards intimacy.
He wants you around, when it's convenient to him and his schedule and when he wants to get laid without too much hassle. And you, chipper little LW, are bending over backwards to acommodate him...all while trying to "prove" what a great, great girlfriend you can and will be (and maybe MORE?) by cooking, probably cleaning, giving him super-great sex. Basically, you are doing all the giving, and he's doing all the getting.
HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Read the book. He may not actually be sleeping with other women (as suggested by some posters) but he is certainly keeping his options open. He may superficially look like "the guy of your dreams", but YOU are NOT the girl of HIS dreams. You are just a place marker until he meets his dream girl...and then you can bet that you will find all the stuff you keep at his place, wrapped in a hefty bag, and dumped on your doorstep.
Don't let him use you like this. Get your own stuff, move out, and start dating other guys. This one is NOT a keeper.