Letters to the Editor
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Don't waste any more of your life
If he says that you'll see less of each other if you stop coming by, then he doesn't care enough to make an effort to see you. You need to be with someone who is willing to make at least half of the effort.
This letter makes me so sad. I had a boyfriend who was exactly like this, and I wasted two years of my life doing everything he wanted me to do, because if I didn't behave in suchandsuch a way, he would stop talking to me, or not call me, or otherwise make me feel like he didn't care.
The truth of the matter, of course, is that he really *didn't* care, at least not enough. He didn't care enough to want to be with me on mutual terms -- only on his terms. Eventually (finally) he broke up with me and as sad as I was, my broken heart was not because he dumped me out of the blue or anything like that, my broken heart was for my own sorrow for love I had wanted from him all along, and realized that I never really had.
I regret those two years because even though he could be really fun and loving, it was only when he felt like it and not necessarily when I needed it (like when I was out of work, or having medical problems, or just having a bad day and needing a squeeze and some soft words). I wasted a lot of valuable time (my late 20s!) wishing that I could measure up to whatever imaginary standard he held me to.
It took me a LONG time after our breakup to finally accept that it's OK for me to want to be important to someone. It's perfectly normal and acceptable and even *desirable* for me to want to be important enough to a guy that he remembers to call me, or wants to stay at my house sometimes just because he wants to sleep next to me, or lets me let myself into his apartment if we've been dating forever and I spend all my time there anyway (especially if I'm buying groceries!)
You need to be important to someone, and you are not important enough to this guy. Its really sad and its really hard, but you need to pull yourself away and find someone who wants to be with you, and will make the effort to demonstrate it.
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HEY! Wait a minute!
Does the boyfriend have a key to LW's place? Maybe I missed it, but nowhere has LW stated that he does.
If BF has a key to LW's place, but LW doesn't have a key to BF's place, there's a clear power/control issue.
If not, why should BF give a key to his place without getting
one to LW's place in return? There is nothing at all wrong with BF not wanting to give LW a key if BF doesn't have a key to LW's place.
Either way I agree with Cary. LW should not just dump the guy; instead, she should arrange her life so that she does not need a key to BF's place. That may be a little less convenient and BF may not like it, but tough cookies, it's the price of that kind of privacy.
Trust isn't something you can demand; it's something that has to be earned.
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uh, Jugsouthgate?
I have a feeling the bf doesn't WANT a key to LW's apt. I bet he would have asked already, and that she would have given it to him if he wanted it.
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Gender gap here?
Reading the responses to this letter, I can't help thinking that they would be very different if the LW were a man complaining that his girlfriend would not give him a key to her apartment. In that case, I suspect, a man would be criticized for failing to respect a woman's need for control of her own space, her right to determine for herself the boundaries of the relationship, etc. Here, however, many posters' assumption seems to be that any such implicit assertion on the man's part is selfish, controlling, etc. Why is his desire to set the boundaries of their relationship less valid than hers? I'm detecting a gender bias.
Speaking as a guy, I see one simple fact here: she has asked for a key before he has felt comfortable offering her one. But, as other people have asked, why is she entitled to a key? Because she's doing things for him that he apparently never asked her to do? If that's the case, she's the one who's being, or at least trying to be, controlling: performing certain actions and then demanding the key as her just recompense.
Giving someone a key to your apartment is an act of great intimacy, signalling a level of mutual trust and commitment which can't be unilaterally asserted. It seems to me that the LW and her boyfriend have two different views of how intimate their relationship is, and if that's the case, why are people assuming that her perception of that level of intimacy ought to be the one which determines his actions?
If the LW wants a relationship where she gets a key at this stage, then she's entitled to break up with this guy and go look for someone else. But I don't see why he is necessarily a selfish SOB simply for not ponying up a key to his home on demand.
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He doesn't have a key.
He never stays at her place - He won't.
That's another thing.
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@ JugSouthGate, he doesn't want to stay at her place
According to her narrative, he's been quite explicit about his desire to have her live out of a bag from his apartment:
"So I took all of my things back, and said that I need to "live out of" my own place. But he did not like that, either."
"[He] says that either I can live with it or we will not see each other as often. He has also been unwilling to spend time at my place."
She took all her stuff home and he wasn't happy with that arrangement. She asked him to come to her house and he wasn't happy with that arrangement. She asked him for a key and he wasn't happy with that arrangement.
Also, @ Alonzo: his selfishness is not that he won't give her a key before he's ready, its that he insists (per her descriptions above) that the inconvenience be 100% hers to deal with, and 0% his.