Letters to the Editor
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What does it mean?
My last LTR was with a man that did the same thing with the key, but for some reason, not having a key didn't bother me. I figured the key offer would come at some point, and it did.
I ended up moving in after our third date... that wasn't planed, it just happened that I was spending all my time at his place. We were living together even though I had my own place still and we never talked about the fact that we were living together. The talk never seemed necessary; things were going so well in our relationship.
On Halloween, I was working late and he got a ride to the party we were going to before I was finished working. He told me to make my way to the party when I was done working and we had our first big fight after four months. Halloween was like Christmas to me and my costume was locked in his apartment. For weeks, he saw me teasing my aqua wig, making the hoop skirt and putting together my costume for the party. Our fight was not about the key, but the fact that he did not understand what mattered to me.
The couple that drove him ended up driving him back from the party so that he could unlock the door and I could get into my costume. I felt badly that they were put out and apologized but was happy that he made the effort. A week later, I had the key. His friends told him that he was being silly by not giving me the key. While he had been thoughtless about my costume, he came around to understand what it meant to me and fixed the problem. The key was just an extension of the apology.
Instead of playing games, figure out what the key means to you and tell him. If he refuses to understand that it means something to you, that's a bad sign. That Halloween, I nearly ended my relationship. It wasn't because of the costume, I was very worried that this man wasn't concerned about something that meant a lot to me. For a relationship to last, people need to understand that some things are very meaningful to the other person and be prepared to make some compromises about them. Find out now if this man can make those compromises.
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the heart wants what the heart wants
But the head is telling you that you need to end it. That's always a tough position to be in, & the answers are not always that simple. You still love that person, but you know logically it's ruining your chances for finding true happiness with him. As easy as it is to tell yourself that you should dump him because of his cruel behavior towards you, you're conflicted as to what step to take next because you know it's not gonna be that easy, especially when you're in love. It's scary & it hurts.
Although I think the guy sounds like a manipulative jerk, maybe you should suck it up & try not to let your fear override your decision to discuss the key matter with him first before you make any rash decisions. Get a feel for where he's coming from, & just point blank tell him, in a calm tone without getting too emotional, that you don't think he's treating you fairly. Then assess his reaction--if he becomes defensive & irrational, then I think at that time you'll be able to trust your instincts enough to know what course of action you should take next. Allow yourself some time to let it all sink in--& then simply let it go if & when you know you need to. Your sanity is at stake here.
Just DO it, & good luck.
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Most Women go through this...
I and all my girlfriends could give you examples of what amounts to the same thing - we care for a guy, he supposedly cares for us. Things aren't quite what we'd like them to be, but "he's got problems" or "issues" and we just need to be respectful and patient until he works it out. Right?
Wrong. Once I realized I was making excuses for men (legit or not) and not putting my own needs first, I realized what losers they all were. (Even if essentailly nice men who meant well, they were ultimately a waste of my time. You man doesn't even sound "essentially" well-meaning.) I stopped being the "nice, understanding girl" and to have little patience for being let down. I stopped saying "I understand why you can't give me X" and I began saying, "that's not my problem". This will clear out the riff-raff right quick.
My initial gut feelings always turned out to be right. I saved a lot of time on losers and - actually - met my husband. (When all I was looking for was a healthy relationship. But I knew, cause I never had to say "I understand why you can't...") If you don't feel you're getting what you deserve, then you're not. Make that the yardstick by which you judge your man and you can't go wrong.
Next time you're there, take all your when you leave and stop answering his calls (if indeed he calls). Say nothing more to him ever again besides "figure it out". I promise you, he already knows.
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It wasn't meant to be.
It wasn't meant to be.
It wasn't meant to be.
It wasn't meant to be.
(That's my version of "He's not that into you").
LW: Just back right out of this relationship. You have tolerated the power differential for too long to be able to "fix things" with a nice long chat. This man has figured out how to make you jump, so he will never totally respect you.
I had a roommate in a similar situation. She decided to sit him down & talk some sense into him. She came back to our house & reported that they had "both agreed to see other people." Yikes! He won!
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Most Women go through this...
I and all my girlfriends could give you examples of what amounts to the same thing - we care for a guy, he supposedly cares for us. Things aren't quite what we'd like them to be, but "he's got problems" or "issues" and we just need to be respectful and patient until he works it out. Right?
Wrong. Once I realized I was making excuses for men (legit or not) and not putting my own needs first, I realized what losers they all were. I stopped being the "nice, understanding girl" and to have little patience for being let down. I stopped saying "I understand why you can't give me X" and began saying, "that's not my problem". He will either shape up or ship out real fast. They will all respect you for it.
When I did this, you know what happened? I met my husband. (When all I was looking for was a healthy relationship.) He's not perfect, but that's never an *excuse* to let me down. In this, the right guy became very distinct from the wrong one. Now I look at my own past and at the stories of women I meet every day and think, "it's so easy to see when someone's wasting your time. I can't believe it took me so long!" Make the question, "am i getting what I deserve?" the yardstick by which you judge all partners and you can't go wrong. It really IS that easy.
When the guy comes along that gives it to you, it will be obvious.