Letters to the Editor
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My first reaction was dump him
for being an inconsiderate ass. But then, I started thinking. You sound really nice. You sound like you might be the kind of person who avoids controversy. So, when BF comes back, maybe you say, "It's okay, I wasn't waiting that long." Maybe you say it after venting.
So, maybe he hears what he wants to hear. Other posters have told you want to do -- go home and wait for his call.
But if a big part of the problem is your failure to state clearly that his behavior is not acceptable, then you need to make sure that your needs get heard in the relationship. If you can't make that happen, you've got to leave him. And make sure you find a guy who listens to what you're not saying. Or learn how to speak up for yourself.
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I'm sorry, he doesn't want _you_ to "live out of your _own_ place?!?"
But he won't give you a key to his crib? And you are willing to be wifey-at-his-beck-and-call and let him call all the shots in this "relationship.?!?" Hon, once you dump this control-freak turkey, hie thee to a therapist and figure out why you have such weak boundaries and lack of self-respect.
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key to his apartment
I think the complaint about the boyfriend keeping the key to his apartment incredible. Why should he give the key to a woman clearly beyond reason. Her behaviour shows she is stark mad.
Obviously she needs somewhere to sleep as most mad people so quite generous of him to take her on.
Nonetheless why live in the US as if it were Mauretania i.e. a traditional slave society?
The mad should be better cared for.
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It's All About...
C-O-N-T-R-O-L! If you think he's controlling now...just wait till you marry this creep.
You'll have a tracking chip implanted in your behind, have to make hourly calls to "check in" and have your entire group of friends...male and female...vetted and checked by him.
Run, do not walk, to the exit here: you...have...been...warned!
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It's pretty simple.
He doesn't trust you. If you can't get him to tell you why, so you can discuss and resolve the issue, then the relationship is doomed.
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Back away slowly
i'll resist repeating what others have said: "Dump him, and then ask yourself why you let this happen."
We've all been there -- staying in a troubling relationship a little too long, because other parts of it are satisfying, or we dread the loneliness and pain of breaking up, or we don't think we'll find anyone better, or we just hate dating/being alone. There is nothing wrong with your self-esteem or your 'boundaries,' you're simply and normally and human-ly in love.
I'd try having one last reasonable talk with him, and if he still refuses you the key or a satisfactory explanation, then just start fading away. Don't answer the phone every time he calls, only answer it sometimes. It's pretty hard to totally break up completely with someone when you're still in love, so I think it's unrealistic to advice you "JUST DUMP HIM" because most people aren't that strong -- they have to do it in stages.
So do it in stages, and notice how while one part of you misses him, another part of you is starting to feel better and better.
Good luck!
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On the other hand....
At the risk of being flamed, it could be the boyfriend is worried that the LW wants to move in. First she gets the key, than it's... "well, I'm living here anyway, why don't I give up my apartment?"
And you know what? I wouldn't have any problem with that. Here's a guy with what sounds like a reasonably important adult job, flying all over the country for work, and here's a girlfriend with at least one foot in college. If he doesn't want to take this relationship onto the next level at this point in their lives, that's fine with me.
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Just to agree with others, once more, again
LW, I had a boyfriend a few years ago who always wanted me at his place, and over time I got a larger and larger piece of the closet, but it was quite inconvenient, and I was hardly ever home, and occasionally, I wondered why I bothered.
I bothered because it was nicer to be with him in a cozy little apartment than being alone in my bedroom with mismatched roommates outside. And--this is the most important part--because my boyfriend made it as convenient as possible for me to basically live there. Step one--giving me a key!
Even if he's not a power-hungry control freak, your b.f. sounds selfish, at least. Selfish is bad enough. DTMFA!*
*With appropriate credit to Dan Savage.
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What's the problem?
The boyfriend hasn't asked the LW to move in with him. So why should he give her a key? If the LW doesn't like running around with a bag, then don't do it. She could always have him stay at her place, because it's more convenient for her.
Call me crazy, but I'm not a fan of people living together before marriage. And even after marriage, I'm not a fan of "totally blending" lives. I think it's important to keep your own bank account, a room of one's own, etc.
The LW sounds needy to me. Why does she need a key? Personally, I think she's pushing for marriage and the boyfriend doesn't want it.
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"So I took all of my things back, and said that I need to "live out of" my own place. But he did not like that, either."
This is why the key issue comes up. The guy is sending a mixed message, or at the very least, has a complex set of boundaries that LW is having trouble deciphering. Bring stuff to my place, but don't bring yourself unless I say so. Granted he might be a normal, nice guy who just has 'issues,' but honestly, it sounds like it'd be hard to be in a relationship with him.
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How long...has this been going on?
Judging from the details, I am guessing this relationship is more than a month old. But it doesn't seem much older than 6 months old, because I don't think people could keep up this kind of charade for much longer.
It's also hard to judge the age of the participants, but if somebody is traveling out of state for work, I am guessing each party is over 25 years of age. All the business about schlepping around tote bags, etc., makes the parties sound like college students.
There's not much else to go on. What we do know is that the dick won't spend time at the LW's domicile. Why not? It is never stated. Is her futon lumpy? Her TV too small? Not enough hot water in the shower? Cockroaches? Lives in Yonkers? Too much macrame? We can only guess.
The LW also does not say why the putz won't give her a key. The guy must have given some sort of bogus reason. Trust issues? Did a former girlfriend steal his CDs? Did he catch you reading his email? Did you uncover his stash of porn and make him explain his fetishes to you? Has he seen "Play Misty for Me" one too many times?
Maybe your boyfriend's fragile eggshell mind isn't ready for the mutual understanding and sharing that a key exchange requires. Maybe he foresees a break-up in which he'd rather not have to pay to change his locks. Maybe he's afraid you'll walk on him while he's hacksawing the cadaver of his latest prostitute victim. Or maybe he's afraid you'll let the damn cat out.
Whatever it is, you are at a crossroads in your relationship. Nothing sounds equal, and his behavior sounds ungenerous. Or, maybe you're being too demanding (it's hard to tell from your letter) and he's pulling back.
You have enough information now to decide: Is this going somewhere? What do you want from this? Is the sex good enough to make the non-sex endurable? Should you cut back on the macrame?