Letters to the Editor
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We seem to have an agreement:
Dump this jerk.
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Dump him.
The guy's a selfish prick. Even if he caves on this (refusing sex works), his trust/power issues will resurface again and again.
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sure, dump him
but if you don't take a look at yourself, you'll probably pick another one just like him.
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DTMFA
DTMFA!
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Dump him immediately
Before you let his behavior wreck you in self-doubt and eventually self-loathing. This man is not available to you. You need and deserve better.
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Dump Him!
Collect all your stuff next time you're there, say good-bye when you leave, and never return.
Never. No real explanation required either, because he'll never really change. There is the risk that you'll believe him when he pretends to change, he's obviously charmed you this far; make it a clean break.
Unless of course you WANT to play power games... in that case maybe you deserve each other. I don't get the feeling that you're like that, though.
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Don't pretend to be, really do become disinterested in him
Sure he may be worried about her snooping. Tough shit, there's a chance he could get in a car crash but he still drives doesnt he? He wants a girlfriend to be around all the time, he'll have to cough up the key. If he's too afraid, then he'll just have to go without girlfriends and be fully single. But he doesn't want that either, boo hoo. Unless he finds a doormat who'll let him have things both ways, he just needs to make his decisions and live with them.
I won't blame you too much for allowing this dynamic to develop. Everyone's saying oh look how you handed power over to someone. But you aren't supposed to be on the lookout for that kind of crap, relatonships are supposed to be about having a supportive person on your side. They aren't supposed to be adversaries in power games. He took advantage of you and the relationship template to extort power.
The only question left is, why do you even like this guy? The actions of someone being a dick to you should make you stop liking them. Few things are more empowering and self-respecting than dumping someone for mistreating you. I know you worry about losing something valuable if you break up, but it is the greatest feeling in the world to realize you just don't want some shitty person and stop caring to speak to them, and its because you are doing something self-respecting for a change. Just trust us on this one, you are not losing anything of value. He is. Or maybe he's not, but it doesn't matter.
One thing you'll have fun laughing about later is he'll probably tell himself and the world that he dumped you because
you were the inconsiderate one who didn't answer his calls anymore.
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Go back to dating
first of all, get whatever you have left at the apartment and take it all home to your apartment.
second, stop being his-cleaning-three-times-a-week lady, so to speak.
third, make him date you again. make him call on you at your own place, make him take you out somewhere, make him take you home.
fourth, don't do sleepovers at his place anymore.
okay, most responders here have emphasized all of this. take our advice.
my guess is he is older than you. my guess also is you are not the only woman in his life. he travels? he has girlfriends elsewhere.
move on.
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Dump him. He obviously doesn't care.
The long & short of it is that he doesn't want to give you a key. Probably, he feels that you're encroaching on him: you're moving your stuff into his place bit by bit; you're managing his household (shopping and cleaning), and you feel entitled to a key to his place.
if he's letting you sit on the steps with his groceries, it's his [passive-aggressive and immature] way of telling you that he doesn't want you getting his groceries. he doesn't want you managing him. he isn't willing to lift a finger to even help you help him; it means he's not grateful for what you're doing. So stop! Go volunteer in a soup kitchen if you need to vent your motherly urges -- this dude obviously doesn't want them.
I sympathize with your position -- I've been there. That said: I find it a little disturbing that you seem to feel entitled to his key. It makes sense, it's rational (perhaps you're subconsciously doing the chores to provide logical justification for why he should more formally embed you in his life). Giving someone a key to your home is *highly* symbolic. You seem to be ignoring this, perhaps willfully. He doesn't want to give you a key no matter how much "sense" it makes. He may even feel resentful since you're apparently trying to guilt him into giving up on his boundaries. "I do all this work for you, but you won't let me move in!" It ain't your house... and wouldn't you rather move in with someone who WANTS you there, instead of someone you had to nag into it?
I *promise* that you can do better. You deserve someone for whom you don't have to play Cinderella. And also, you have to stop being Cinderella.
I totally agree with Carey & the other writers who say to just STOP. do not shop for him. (c'mon, acting like his mother is NOT what you want.) do not clean for him, change his oil, do his taxes, or wash his dog. nothing. don't cook him dinner, don't arrange plans with him. get your stuff out of his house, even your toothbrush. if you can't channel your diva enough to do it all at once, do it gradually.
you've hit his limits and you need to see what, if anything, he's willing to do for you. don't call him (erase his number from your phone, i'm not kidding); don't email him (filter his emails straight to a folder or the trash); don't stop by his house. Just be busy. Do stuff for yourself. Make plans with your girlfriends. Go on another date! Read a book. See a movie. Do anything, just stop crawling after a person who doesn't seem to care about you!
Good luck...