Letters to the Editor
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LW sounds young...
Cary picked up on the tone of the letter, which sounds young and inexperienced, and pitched his answer perfectly.
If you are indeed young, or uncertain of yourself LW, know that it's hard to imagine breaking up. But it happens to pretty much everyone several times in their lives. Most of us are glad, ultimately, and learn a lot in retrospect if not at the time. If you do go that route, you'll be fine. You'll surprise yourself.
Think it over. Where are you in this equation? What do you feel when you are treated like that? Who else treats you like that? What do you think would happen if you argued, put your foot down, laughed at him and stormed off?
Best wishes.
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The difference between your boyfriend and Eliot Spitzer
is that Spitzer pays more for services rendered. Your boyfriend is treating you like a service employee. Somehow he has you convinced he is All That. Cary is 100% right--you need to show him you're an independent person. Either then he'll fall madly in love with you, give you all you've wanted and more, or dump you. Here's how you do it: imagine the relationship you want to have with your boyfriend (be reasonable!) and then do your half of it.
I've tried this maneuver myself. The first time he dumped me so fast my head spun. The second time? He's my husband. I kind of knew in my heart which way it would go both times. In your case, I wouldn't get my hopes up.
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Pertinent unasked questions
1. How long have you known each other? Under a year, in my book, is perfectly good reason alone not to give you a key.
2. If you feel he doesn't treat you respectfully and like an adult, why are you with him at all?
But otherwise, I concur with Cary and the other writers--why are you allowing rules to be set for you?
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Cut to the chase of this chase.
I'm not real sure why LW should spend one more ounce of energy participating in some pointless protracted chase game to "see what he does." As of this moment, she knows everything she needs to know about this guy. He is selfish, he is uninterested in her needs, he won't meet her halfway, and most painful of all, he can take or leave her.
LW, do you want a guy you have to play ridiculous games with every time you need something from him? Because that's what you're signing up for if you spend one more day with him. This isn't love. It isn't even like.
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him
he's just not that into you.
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The key is a symbol of his emotional availability
He's not emotionally evailable...he withholds the key. I'm not emotionally available either, but it doesn't really matter because I don't have a girlfriend.
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Key Master/Gate Keeper. (Can't resist the Ghostbusters theme)
LW,
I'm sorry he didn't give you the key. Lots of women have been in situations where he didn't share the key, and it can feel maddening.
Sometimes it takes a while to realize that it's not you- it's not that your argument isn't convincing (here are 3 good reasons why I should get the key/all my friends just got keys, why is this such an issue for you?), or well phrased enough (maybe if I say this another way,you'll understand), or that you caught him at a bad time, or somehow you are in some way undeserving of the key,etc.
It also doesn't mean he doesn't have other fine qualities - perhaps he's the best person you've dated so far in your life, and how would we know?
But I think what you're reading in these letters is something fundamental about the people who love us: that they try to make our lives sweeter, easier, as long as it doesn't betray some core value.
They want to let us into their lives - so even if it's something as tacky as "I have amazing amounts of porn I don't want to share with you (yet)" - they put out 15 bucks for a cheap locked box that you can't get at, and then they give you the key. They put passwords on their computers. Sometimes they share the problem (my last girlfriend was stealing money from me and I don't feel comfortable giving up the key). But the point is, zillions of couples have dealt with this, with, well, doing something.
Somehow this person doesn't seem willing or able to do this for you. And you are deserving of it. All of us are. You know that, right?
There are men who are key givers that in this world. They open the gate. They invite you in. They give you the key.
Whether you keep this one in your life or not, please consider spending some time finding one of those men. It's totally, totally worth it.
June
PS: Loving the response today, Cary.
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Good Lord, been there...
I have dated this man. (Not really.)
In my case, the guy had control issues and I thought I needed to be respectful of him and his space. I also thought that no one would love/put up with me if I broke up with him.
In time, you'll see that your love and respect is good enough, he isn't. Right now, find some activities that support your interests not just for the distraction, but to better yourself. When you're ready, just simply walk away without explaining yourself. He'll know why.
Good luck.
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Cary's advice is pretty good
I thought, when I read the tagline for this article, that I was going to end up reaming the letter writer. You just don't demand a key when someone doesn't want to give you one. Privacy is important. Keeping lives from becoming enmeshed until you're ready to commit is important too. Unfortunately the boyfriend wants to become an essential part of her life, while making sure that she knows she's not an essential part of his life. That's just not right.
It's pretty simple, and the LW has a grasp of the dynamics involved, she just needs to put it together for her boyfriend. "I can't stay over at someone else's place all the time, it's inconvenient. You're clearly not ready for it to become our place. I have my own place. That's where you'll find me - and my clothes - and my groceries."
Then walk away.