Letters to the Editor
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Cary is spot on
Thought Cary's advice was spot on. The writer says she is sick of the situation so things are coming to an end sooner or later anyway unless things change. She has her stuff over there so I doubt that he is cheating. It is not the key, it is the uneveness of the relationship. I agree with the one writer who said that we have no idea how long a relationship this is. If it has not been that long maybe I do not want to give out a key either, but I should not be just a user. She does sound like a nice kid, but she does sound young and he more established.
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this one is easy...
dump the chump!
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Wow
This is probably the first time I've ever agreed with Cary.
There's nothing worse than being the beck and call girl (well, ok, there are worse things, but it sucks). Stop it. Don't see him as often. Pull back. I know it sounds like The Rules, and it kind of is.
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one step at a time
Giving over the key is a level of commitment -- the buying groceries, sharing space, being home when the other person gets there commitment -- that this guy doesn't seem ready for. No sense judging him for that. That's how he feels. And he's pretty clear about holding that boundary, which is to his credit.
What's confusing is that our LW isn't getting that signal. She's proceeding with the groceries and the being there when he gets home even though he hasn't given her the signal that is what he really wants. Now, I imagine he's happy to have her cook for him and to have her company when she shows up, but this is not the same as giving over his key and making a permanent thing about it. In fact, perhaps he feels a bit bullied and rushed by our LW and instead of having that conversation, he's withholding the key to make the point.
I agree with Cary's advice. LW, dial back your efforts. See what the BF does. But also, initiate a conversation about where this is going. He might have a key swapping moment in his future, but just not right now. Once you know that, things will feel a lot more even in the power department.
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not an ethical issue
It isn't an ethical or moral issue that the boyfriend won't give her the key. Maybe he doesn't trust her enough. Maybe he wants to keep her at a certain distance. He has the right to live alone. She just has to decide whether she will live with it, wait for him to change, or dump him now. That is her personal decision; what is in her best interests depends on her unique circumstances. No one can tell her what she should do and there is no right or wrong answer.
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Bad Letter, Good Advice, Quick Judgements
The letter is definitely light on facts.
My first impression was that the guy was a jerk, but I've realized that I too once (only the once) had a GF who was far more ... intrusive than I was ready for at the time.
What if LW is asking BF if he wants her to stay right after sex?
No guy with even half a brain is going to say, "No, I don't want you to stay. I want you to get up out of my bed, get dressed, and go home."
Of course, it could be deemed wrong for a guy to be willing to have sex with a woman he doesn't WANT to share his home with, but hey, that stuff happens all the time. Guys are often FAR more interested in the sex than the breakfast.
I don't think there's enough information in that first letter for anyone to be justified in calling the guy a prick. If he's a guy who thinks the LW is cute but DOESN'T want to make a life with her, what he's doing could be the more compassionate approach than saying, "You're a nice girl, and you're pretty, but you're not the one for me."
As AfroGoddess pointed out--he's already floated the idea of the two of them seeing each other less often.