Letters to the Editor
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@teensy
ha ha ha, that was awesome!! I think you hit all the issues. of course, if the roles were reversed and i was a man writing this post, i'd be crucified for saying "HIT" all the issues!
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*curtsey*
I find it particularly delicious the way he makes it seem as though the "He-man Woman Hater's Club" is a real and powerful movement whose day of reckoning is about to be visited upon us like an apocalypse. It always makes me giggle...
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Hey Keyless
You lucked out, because the advice Cary gave you was clear and concise. I don't know why the power/living arrangement so often ends up like this for couples, but the moral of the story is -- your life is just as important as his. If he's into you, he'll want to spend time at your place and check out your stuff, just to get to know you better. And since he hasn't, he's just not that into you.
Now you've had this experience, you can recognize it should it happen again. Your future relationships will be stronger for the knowledge. Cut your losses. Move on.
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@domini
"A man who is interested in his space would not have encouraged her to leave stuff there in the first place. A real man would meet her half way. Boy needs to man up.
I agree that she should not have left things there. I do NOT agree that it is all of her fault. HE encouraged her to leave things there, HE wants her to schlep stuff. That's just asshattish. HE needs a brick to the head."
C'mon, it hardly seems like she needed any encouragement. She's a grown ass woman and if she left so much important stuff at his house such that she had a big problem if she didn't have access to it when he was not there, then that was partly on her. He may or may not be an asshole but let's not pretend that she's just some infantalized victim. She's playing her "key" games as well. Her problem at the moment is that she isn't getting what she wants.
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Dump him immediately
I don't know what the first 108 letters said but I would assume they ran 10-to-1 in favor of an immediate ditching of your current boyfriend. What an ass. I would never in a million years stay with a man who treated me like that!
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Well
I can see the round and round conversations happening. They are interesting, but I don't think that this LW necessarily has a boundary issue. I see it more as she really likes him, so when he says bring your stuff over she takes it to mean, oh yippee he really likes me, he's letting me leave "stuff". A guy giving you closet space is generally a pretty big signal and I can see her leaving stuff then expecting a key to come later, a misstep, not a huge glaring oh man how could you. She thought the relationship was moving forward. Then when she was locked out of her stuff because he's away, she asked for a key, he said no. Then she did the appropiate thing and moved all her stuff back to her place. So I wouldn't fault her for taking a step forward with this guy and when he seems to be resisting she takes her stuff back. I see that as the natural consequence to his action of not wanting her to think the next step is moving in. So she says okay, then I won't half move in at all. Then he seemed to have thrown a hissy fit, but I want you to be here when I'm here and I don't want to go to your place so he offers a threat of well then, we just won't see each other so much. It could be he's not really into her, or it could be akin to saying you'll hold your breath until you turn blue because mommy won't buy you an ice cream cone. I think the only place she went wrong was when he made that threat, she should have just said well then, how about we don't see each other at all. But I understand that not all people are okay throwing the I'm outta here card before trying to fix something.
So I basically see her not having boundary problems, maybe just a little too patient and generous, which aren't bad traits in a person unless you start letting people use your virtues against you. So I don't think it's about a "key". Lots of people were only children so they didn't have to tangle with siblings over parental affection, space and toys, lots of people had parents who catered to their every whim and gave in to every demand.
I just see it as either he needs some training out of the idea that your girlfriend is just like your mommy who basically comes whenever you ring her bell or that this LW just needs to be able to pull the well I'll dump you too card, no matter how much it hurts.
You cry, you eat some ice cream, you call your friends to pick apart his every bad flaw, then you go back to doing what you did before you ever met Mr. I'm not giving you a key.
Relationships and signals are so nuanced that I don't want to just tell her this guy is a selfish controlling creep, maybe this quibble can be healed, but not by him giving her a key, by them communicating about equality, fairness, feelings and future goals, not logisitics.
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@ Lestat1
Good on you, Lestat1! I think you hit the nail on the head. And bravo to the whoever started saying "asshatishness." That's getting filed away in my vocab.
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yeh, lestat
you said what i was trying to say.
my fave new word of the day is 'craptastic.'
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I've been there. . . .
...and I wish I hadn't wasted my time.
If he is this inflexible about a relatively small issue, imagine what he'll be like about larger ones.
DTMFA.
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"He wants me to stay at his place, but pack a different bag each time so that I never need to go inside without him opening the door."
People in hell need ice water, too.