Letters to the Editor
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@ anon too
what do you mean, ya got me?I AGREE WITH YOU! PEOPLE NEED BOUNDARIES!!! What i was saying, perhaps not clearly, is that in this case, LW's lack of boundaries DO NOT MEAN SHE IS MENTALLY ILL. As another poster put it, she needn't be chastised for doing the best she can.
Do you see what I mean now?
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@ deering
Agreed that women have taken a hit for being too self-sacrificing. Agreed we need boundaries and not to be treated like crap. I'm confusing the issue (and the message board) by speaking theoretically about societal trends I've noticed and then trying to use this particular letter (and responses) as example.
There is no doubt that LW needs to back away from the guy but is right now too in love to see things clearly.
I'll shut up now.
btw, whatever happened to Brightstar?
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@domini
I think Afro-Goddess is right on regarding this letter. LW's essentials didn't magically get to BF's house in the first place. She originally had an entire closet for clothes and a bathroom closet. So her inconvenience was partly on her and it appears she played herself as much as she might be getting played.
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filling in for Brightstar :)
here we go again. if a girl wanted some privacy, a judge would order her man would to empty his savings account and build her a vault out of gold bricks with his bare hands. then she would turn off the spigot and he would be left in the street waiting for her to deem him worthy of sex.
here some poor sap just wants to be able to have some say over her comings and goings from HIS domicile, and the Broadsheet posse jumps out of the bushes with these ad hominem attacks calling him an asshole just because she has to carry some stuff around with her! You realize that men are sent off to die in wars to protect women, right?
The men's revolution is coming, and I can't wait. Soon you "womyn" will see all the ways your thinking is illogical.
How 'm I doing? :)
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@Teensy
LOL! That was pretty good.
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@Tara21
Yah, I was wondering where Brightstar was too. Kinda miss his misogynistic rants.
I had to read the LW's submission twice to get it straight--so, he won't give the LW a key but he wants her to stay at his place all the time?
He's either incredibly selfish and immature or he is trying to push her away.
LW, I'd do what other commentors have said and just back off, live out of your own place and let him learn the art of compromise.
I can't help but wonder if the bf is in his twenties. Too many guys (and gals) haven't learned how to compromise at that young age.
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@Teensy
You make a perfect Brightstar! You're promoted...or demoted, depending upon how you look at it.
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@KStone
A man who is interested in his space would not have encouraged her to leave stuff there in the first place. A real man would meet her half way. Boy needs to man up.
I agree that she should not have left things there. I do NOT agree that it is all of her fault. HE encouraged her to leave things there, HE wants her to schlep stuff. That's just asshattish. HE needs a brick to the head.
Asking her to stay without the key is teasing. The only way to deal with that is to walk away. No, she should not have left her stuff there without a key.
I had friends who clued me in on the "never leave stuff at his house" thing. If you break up and you have stuff at his house, you either have to forget it or you come off as the stalking girlfriend just to get your stuff back. Some people are not as lucky in their friendships as I have been. I have been blessed with some truly wise friends.
If he didn't want to give a key, he shouldn't encourage LW to leave stuff there, and he needs to haul his butt across town half of the time. If he's not interested in hauling his tail across town, he needs to shut up and not issue manipulative threats. If he's not that interested period, he needs to man up and break up.
I had boyfriends drive across town to see me. I had one drive two hours one way for several years to see me. My friends all had this, too. We would never have schlepped stuff. But that was a different time. This dude seems weak to me, and his behavior seems very immature. Not controlling, just immature and self-involved, like a commodity man who thinks he's all that or a high maintence woman who thinks men should kiss her feet and call her queen. Both types are a little too entitled and need to be left alone.
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Will he or won't he.
So I gather, what you need to find out is if he actually cares about you, not giving you the key makes you feel sort of unwanted or untrusted right? You are either his girl out of the easy access to sex and cooking or he really cares about you but doesn't quite know how to behave on an equal basis.
So, instead of outright dumping him, try behavior modification first.
Such as he needs to come pick you up when he wants to see you for half of your nights together 50/50. I don't care if he's carless, he needs to be at your door/dance class at a set time to take you out, even if it's out of the way from his gym or job. If you are important to him, he will do it because half the time is not unfair to asked to be met at your place and then go out to do something even if you both end up back at his place.
Also, enforce a 5 minute rule. If he's not home within 5 minutes of your meet time, you leave and make other plans and if you happen to be at home when he calls, don't leave again to go see him, tell him he has to come to your place.
If your apartment is not filled with parents then he should be willing to spend the night at your place at least once a week. He should be willing to deal with not being at his place once in a while to make life nice for you. Does he ever make you dinner? You might want to pick up that book "He's Just Not That Into You" and see if there are other things in there that resonate with you. Does this guy ever go out of his way for you? Does he think about you when you aren't around, calling, getting you little gifts, remembering something you said about your favorite food or movie and then planning something with those things in mind? If not, I'd say just cut your losses and move on.
People who care about you want to do nice things for you, they want to help you out. They shouldn't just be taking, taking, taking from you and never really giving anything in return other than their affections.
If he refuses to do anything that's been suggested, by myself or others, well then hon, he's just not that into you and it's time to dump him and find a man who will be willing to give you his key one day, without you even having to ask.