Letters to the Editor
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@Tara21
Ah! Gotcha!
I think something women really, really need to get out of our collective heads is that if we take care of other people, without any promises or demands on our part, that they'll step in and take care of us. It's not that I think no one will ever take care of us, it's that I think we need to learn to take care of ourselves first, even when it means weathering accusations of selfishness.
I think we also need to learn to let go of people who not only don't take care of us, but actively interfere with our ability to take care of ourselves, which is what Dating Limbo is all about.
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Nuance
I'm of two minds. On the one hand the BF's behavior seems sort of immature and he might have some control or some commitment issues. On the other hand, we only have one side of the story and I suspect the situation is much more nuanced than the letter would lead us to believe.
It's hard for me to believe that someone would say "you cannot have a key to my place and I also do not want you to live at your place. I want you to live out of a bag." That may be what the LW interpreted from whatever potentially heated or frustrating discussion that ensued when she gathered up all of her belongings at the boyfriend's place. I can envision a scenario in which the LW has been encroaching on the BF's space and apartment and he is started to feeling a bit trapped or caged. I can also see why he might get agitated when constantly nagged about giving out his key and imply that they'll just see less of each other.
I think it's important that the LW look at the outset of the relationship and when she started bringing things to the BF's place. Did he say "hey why don't you take some drawer space?" or buy her an extra toothbrush (I once had a guy buy one for me and present it to me to tell me that he wanted me around for the long haul-cheesy but it made his point that he wasn't just using me). Or did he sort of tacitly let her start bringing half of her wardrobe to his place. She references needing to access her things: a suit, sneakers, books--these aren't items that one casually leaves at a significant other's place permanently unless you are starting a move-in process.
I think LW needs to really look at her behavior and figure out if she is trying to force the relationship by moving her things, inviting herself over and trying to convince him that she's the one simply by being around all the time. On the other hand, if he truly is unwilling to spend time at her place and does not have a good reason to back it up, she should consider moving on. She needs to take a week or two to think about it and then have a really honest conversation with him. What I don't recommended is passive aggressively ignoring him or just dumping him out of the blue. Have a conversation, say what you need from him emotionally (I suspect this isn't really about a key), and if he can't give it then walk.
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@Tara21
>Yeh, I get what you're saying, I agree. What I was trying to convey was that, when we get our hearts broken too often there's a whole raft of pop psychologists ready to tell us why we were idiots to let it happen in the first place.<
Well, that's usually because a fair amount of women _do_ have problems with boundaries/self-esteem--and an exploitative relationship like this is the first of many they will have. Shoot, how many letters does Cary get a year in which the LW is on her third-or-more "he treats me like crap, so what am I doing wrong?" relationship? And how often does the answer to those letters contain something like "get your self-esteem checked out so you'll know when a potential lover isn't acting right?" If people were given a heads-up that they may have problems setting boundaries early on, there would be less one-sided relationships (and less work for Cary.)
>I hope I'm expressing this right -- i think our culture has come very far away from the idea of 'self-sacrifice' and 'be the first to say you're sorry' in relationships in favor of "When you're in love, make sure all your needs are met! Make sure the guy is perfect, otherwise, YOU DESERVE MORE!"<
No one is saying "make sure the guy is perfect." What they are saying is that someone who loves you does not treat you like you are a servant or an appendage. And "self-sacrifice" has taken a societal hit because for years women were told that love was about _them_ doing most of the self-sacrificing. It was used too often as a rationalization as to why women should put up with any kind of treatment from men.
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One More Time, @ Under The Radar
"it sounded like you were sticking up for the BF completely."
Sorry if I wasn't clear. All I'm sticking up for is not assuming things.
"all we have to go on is what the LW says that the BF says."
'zactly! Plus we have a bunch of unanswered questions.
"I agree with you that BF needs to learn the consequences. If you give your SO a couple of closets, and you refuse to stay over at their place, and you allow them to "semi-move" in, then you are basically telling the SO that you are ready for key-level commitment."
Not necessarily. BF may just be trying to find out where LW's limits are. IOW, he'll just keep asking for more until she says no.
Or he may not understand how illogical and one-sided his "preferences" are. That's not a reason to dump him, it's a reason to Just Say No.
"Like I said about my own BF- it took him 2 years to be ready for me to leave stuff at his house, but he didn't invite me to do that until he WAS ready to give me a key as well."
That's him; this BF may not be experienced enough to know what makes sense and what doesn't.
"I think the bottom line here is that the LW isn't asking to move stuff in and get a key. The stuff is already in. She just wants a key to get to her stuff."
Maybe. It sounds to me like she had stuff at BF's, and then took it all home, and BF wants her to shlep all her stuff all over town in a bag much of the time. 'That doesn't work for me' is the short answer.
"If he doesn't want that level of commitment, then he shouldn't allow her stuff to be there in the first place."
*She* shouldn't allow her stuff to be there, either.
"(Personally, tho, I think this dude is craptastic.)"
Maybe BF just needs to be told NO, he's not going to get all his preferences from LW.