Letters to the Editor
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Don't dump him because...
...he won't give you a key. Dump him because he thinks he should have the right to lock away your stuff when he's not around to allow you access to it.
I'll tell you the same thing I tell every man who's just moved out of the marital home at the onset of a divorce: get your stuff out of there now. You don't want the things that mean the most to you to be behind an enemy's locked door.
And yes, your stuff is more important than he is. Finding a lover/partner more valuable to you than the most meaningful inanimate objects in your life can be quite a challenge, and you clearly haven't found that partner yet.
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BF isn't making LW do anything she doesn't want to do
BF may have preferences, but LW is free and clear to do whatever she needs to do to take care of herself. That means that if BF won't give her a key to his place, then she need to keep her stuff at her own home.
Basically chick wrote in to say that she's confused b/c she can't handle her business and her life b/c her boyfriend has PREFERENCES!
I just don't get that. No one gets between me and the stuff I paid money for. And BF isn't! He just acts like she's Burger King and she has been serving it up to him his way to her detriment.
She wrote in 'cause she thinks he's unfair and she's not getting the blessed santified key that she wants. Okay, he's being unfair. Now what?! Chick, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND CARE ABOUT YOUR NEEDS ABOVE HIS PREFERENCES. Stop acting like b/c yall have sex and a good time that he needs to give you a key. Go home!
Maybe then he'll respect you just a little more.
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Go home!
Pack your stuff up and go home. Tell the guy if he wants to see you, he can do it at your place. Give him the key.
See? That was easy.
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@Anonymous Too
Withholding the key is like hitting amongst toddlers: it's self-rewarding. He gets what he wants by the act itself, which is the LW tying herself in knots for his benefit. Either way, it's all about him. That's why I suggest break-up with no contact. It's the only thing that doesn't reward his behavior.
Being kind to other people's failings is one thing. It's compassionate, even laudable. This doesn't fall into that category, though. Rewarding destructive behavior isn't kind, compassionate or laudable.
I absolutely agree. Rewarding this behavior teaches him that the behavior is ok. The behavior is just garden variety, immature selfishness. If he says "we'll see less of each other" then say "Your loss". I think you have tagged this one.
@Afro-Goddess I get what you are saying, but I'm not sure I agree. Yes, she needs to be smart enough to protect herself and set boundaries, but I do not think this is normal male behavior. This is playa behavior. This is ugly, selfish, jackass behavior. For him to basically demand that she keep her stuff there and then refuse her access to it for his convenience is jerkish. I do agree he needs consequences for it. If he didn't get booty because of his asshattishness, he wouldn't do it. She's letting him get away with it. It's wrong of her to let him get away with it, but I think it is equally wrong of him to act like this. If he does not want her to move in, he needs to get his butt across town to her place half of the time. He's inviting her and then yanking it away. The only way to deal with that type of tease is walk away, and never go back. If he's a tease, he'll mess with her for the fun of the mindfuck forever. WHo needs that?
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@Afro Goddess
While I agree with the need, to assume responsibility for one's feelings and one's actions, that you have taken the repeated efforts to point out, I disagree with letting the boyfriend off the hook as much as you seem to want to do.
Relationship belongs to two people. Both parties have roles and responsibilities to themselves, to each other and to the relationship. Clearly, here the dude is not putting out enough for the gal or for the relationship. So, if this dude wants a good functional and happy relationship with this gal, he is sure as hell not giving it what it needs. LW needs to see that and let him go but chastising her for making efforts is not fair. Chastising her for expressing her love and giving it time is not right. She has come to see the problem and is seeking help. And the universe, the boyfriend and all of us here on this column are telling her to leave. So now, she gets to do what she wants.
Who truly knows what the actual relationship is. She has stated a limited view and we can only answer compassionately based on that. Thats all. She has it now. And she can make her next move.
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It's Mostly Been Said...
But really, LW, what do YOU want from this relationship? And whatever that is, have you shared that with your BF?
Because what I see is a lot of playing house with someone who doesn't want to share his toys. And whatever your goals, I find it hard to believe that your ultimate one is to end up living your life with someone who wants what HE wants, and doesn't give a damn what YOU want.
Based on your description of this relationship, that sounds pretty close to the truth of it.
Figure out what you want--not just from THIS relationship, but from any one. And if this one can't even approach that, then it is time to disengage yourself.
I didn't have a key to my (now) husband's place for quite a while. Neither did he have a key to mine. But we spent lots of time at each other's homes, and made sure to be there when the other was expected. I got a key after the night that I, and three of my kids, sat in my station wagon for over a half hour, waiting for him to get home so we could leave for a ski trip together. He'd been detained at work as he was walking out the door, it was before either of us had a cell phone, and we were BOTH upset: me about waiting and no key, him about being ambushed at the door on a Friday night when he had plans.
Within a week, we had given each other keys, after first going over the ground rules. He'd been raised by a snoopy mom, and I was used, after being a single mom for five years at that point, to being in charge.
We both made concessions, we both adjusted. If your current BF will not--and it does appear that he won't--then you really, really do not want a long term relationship with him. And if you do not, why not end it sooner, so that you can be free for the person you DO want to enter your life?