Letters to the Editor
-
In truth, we've all been there
I just think there is too much emphasis these days on people undergoing a complete psychological overhaul when relationships end, as tho there were something dreadfully wrong with them.
Tara, I agree with you, and it's especially true here on this letters page. Everyone is very quick to assume that the LW has self-esteem problems and the boyfriend is a controlling asshole. Maybe the LW has just found herself in a position where she doesn't know where or how to set the boundaries. Haven't we all been there? Sometimes you miss the first warning signal that boundaries need to be set because you're having fun falling in love. Sometimes you let it go too long because breaking up with someone just sucks. Neither makes you a dysfunctional person.
I can remember a long ago relationship that definitely taught me where to set my boundaries (after the fact, when vision is much clearer). Obviously, the LW sees there is a problem with waiting on the doorstep with her groceries. If she didn't, then we would have to worry about her.
-
Thank you HesterEastman
It could be worse - some guys would hand over the key even though they didn't want to make the commitment and then find some other minor reason to become distant and dump her. At least he's not lying about his level of commitment (very low).
Ugh, I dated this guy. Today's letter totally reminded me of him. I wanted to write in and say "I got the key. Trust me. You don't want it." But you beat me to it. :)
-
Normal issues vs. schadenfreude
I agree about people having the right boundaries, etc, I just think there is too much emphasis these days on people undergoing a complete psychological overhaul when relationships end, as tho there were something dreadfully wrong with them.
It would be one thing if the boyfriend was okay with the LW living out of her own place, but in a situation where he travels frequently, won't give her a key and objects when she makes her own apartment her home base, something's wrong.
I don't think anyone is as psychologically perfect as we're expected to be, and I also don't think any woman can love, give and cater a man out of his neuroses. He has to deal with them himself. In this case, no amount of making it pleasant or easy for him to cope when she's there all the time without having a key is going to encourage him to give up a key. Why? Because he's getting everything he wants without giving up the key!
Now, withdrawing won't necessarily encourage him to give her a key, either. He will likely see it as an arbitrary and malicious withdrawal of what he seems to think is rightfully his and will punish her, maybe by whining, maybe by withdrawing his attention in revenge, maybe even by breaking up with her.
Withholding the key is like hitting amongst toddlers: it's self-rewarding. He gets what he wants by the act itself, which is the LW tying herself in knots for his benefit. Either way, it's all about him. That's why I suggest break-up with no contact. It's the only thing that doesn't reward his behavior.
Being kind to other people's failings is one thing. It's compassionate, even laudable. This doesn't fall into that category, though. Rewarding destructive behavior isn't kind, compassionate or laudable.
-
@ Deering...No I think you're missing the point...
Hi Deering. :) I think you're not getting that even though the BF likes that she's around, SHE has to set the boundaries. LW is not setting the boundaries b/c she wants to live with him.
BF wants convenience and GF has been going along. He already said that either I can live with it or we will not see each other as often. She wants to be around him so much that she's lugging gear all over town, then bitching about it!
Okay, let's meet somewhere in the middle; GF is pushing her BF to do something he doesn't want, and BF is a lil selfish.
But knowing that she's unhappy with the situation, why isn't GF doing what she can to control about her own life, rather than moaning that she can't get him to do what she wants?
-
@ anonymous too
i agree -- i was talking about 2 different things
1) whether or not LW (and possibly bf) has a deep psychological problem based on what we've read here (and here's where i'm saying "probably not")
2) whether or not LW should stay in this relationship (my vote is NO. I agree the guy is acting like a jerk, not because he 'wants space,' but because he was NOT OK with LW going back to her own place ... etc)
-
Back @ Jug
Okay, I DO agree with your latest post...in the other one, it sounded like you were sticking up for the BF completely.
So far, all we can do is take the LW's statements at face value- and if the BF really DID put an ultimatum on her (you know, the whole "move yo shits into my place w/o key or I won't see you as much if you stay at your place" crap) then on the basis of THAT I think she needs to seriously reconsider staying with this dude because it's a sign of a terribly selfish and inconsiderate person to make demands like that. But, all we have to go on is what the LW says that the BF says.
I agree with you that BF needs to learn the consequences. If you give your SO a couple of closets, and you refuse to stay over at their place, and you allow them to "semi-move" in, then you are basically telling the SO that you are ready for key-level commitment. Like I said about my own BF- it took him 2 years to be ready for me to leave stuff at his house, but he didn't invite me to do that until he WAS ready to give me a key as well.
I think the bottom line here is that the LW isn't asking to move stuff in and get a key. The stuff is already in. She just wants a key to get to her stuff. If he doesn't want that level of commitment, then he shouldn't allow her stuff to be there in the first place. (Personally, tho, I think this dude is craptastic.)