Letters to the Editor
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You're not married or living together
You are not married or living together. You're dating, and occasionally spending time at his apartment.
He clearly does not want to live with you or marry you. Maybe he will some day; maybe not. But right now he sees you two as dating. You don't get a key when you're dating. He knows that giving you a key is essentially saying he wants you to live there.
He's not being an jerk. He's dating you, possibly exclusively, possibly not, but he does not want to live with you. It's up to you to decide if that is enough for you.
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LW, Anonymous_Too is exactly right
He's getting off on making you jump through hoops. You deserve better.
Get anything left there and just dump him. If he asks why,tell him because he doesn't care enough to do half of the work. That means he really doesn't want you.
Find a "grown ass man". Evrybody has problems and issues. Do not "uplift" a man. The only one who will ever solve his problems is him. You can't fix or help them. Unless he has his stuff together enough to act right, don't date him. DO not waste yourself this way.
I think dude is more selfish and clueless than controlling. He sounds like a playa, and this is standard issue playa behavior. He will not change. He may claim he will, but as soon as you go back, he'll act an ass again. If you go back, you will teach him this treatment is ok. You have already taught him it is ok by putting up with it.
He is honest. Lots of asses use honesty as a weapon. "Do what I want or you won't see me." Fuck that. He is telling you that he really does not care if he sees you.
There's a man out there who will want you when it is inconvenient, etc. It doesn't matter if something is wrong with you, an STD, a physical deformity, whatever. You do NOT have to put up with this. Dump him.
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I'm siding with the BF who isn't all keyed up over yo @ss!
So, I'm siding with the boyfriend.
Everyone needs their space and has the right to define what they will and won't share of themselves and their life.
LW, this is BF's apartment, not yours. Just b/c you're quick and easy with moving your stuff into his place, doesn't mean that he should be inconvenienced by your choice. Is his stuff at your place? No.
Does he want to live with you? No! But I don't think you're getting that fact. He wants you to have a place of your own. He only wants to share his space with you when he's around. Just because you make yourself available to him way more than you should doesn't mean he owes you a key. As a woman, I understand where you're coming from. But, I don't agree with it. He might enjoy the benefits of cohabitation, but you are choosing to live inconveniently.
The reality is that you're not stressing b/c you don't want to be the bag lady. You're stressing because the key represents his unwillingness to be vunerable with you. Its not even about trust. He's just not ready to have you all up in his business w/o his permission. If you can't deal with that, then you need to step on (not bitch about it).
Solution: Stop bitching about the key, and stop inconveniencing yourself. After sex, go home! You date him, not live with him! Don't have essentials at his place.
Maybe you didn't know this but you are supposed to get the key first, then leave the essentials (toothbrush, tees, and jeans don't count). I know, I know, they didn't teach you this on Sex and the City, but that's how it works. I've gotten keys, so believe me!
If you don't want to be treated like a puppy, then don't act like one. If you pulled away, then you shouldn't have come back without getting the key! You did it to force his hand (and key) and it didn't work. Don't see his @ss so often. You're barking up the wrong key when you figure nagging him will suddenly garner different results. So stop! Then you'll have time to meet some dude who all keyed up when you aren't around.
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The More Things Change...
etc.
This is how far women have come: We got the vote. We got to choose over own own bodies. We can choose to go to college, join the military, and make careers of either and many others, or not. We can choose to marry, or live w/a man, or as many men as our beds will hold w/out breaking, or not. We can be single parents, or not. We raised our collective consciousness enough to know that those choices were OURS to make, w/input from other sources but still ours to decide and live w/either way.
We've come such a long way that we're able to care for ourselves, and others if necessary, so that marriage and/or partnership is actually an option but not the only one.
Yet none of those choices have fueled enough self-respect so as not to see when a man is using us and that this scenario is hardly a "partnership," let alone a healthy r'ship.
What happened?
Yes, we've all been there (guilty as charged). But at some point either we woke up and said, this is NOT acceptable and I need more. Or, someone close to us suggested that this was unacceptable behavior from a love partner and maybe we should re-think things through for our own sakes. Either way, it's a life experience and one of those "hard knocks" all of us encounter.
I hope LW is a young woman, in which case this episode will be chalked up to experience. But, alas, I still know too many women (and I'm a boomer) who'll swallow such disrespect and indifference from a SO, who's really not so "significant" after all, just b/c "he's a man."
I hope LW is reading these responses; that she was so dissatisfied she had to write to SYA shows that her instincts are sound. He really ISN'T that into her, and his behavior and attitude screams it so loud that now she hears it.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got came from (don't hit me) "The Rules:" if a man is interested, he'll call--and if he isn't, he won't--period! And if he isn't interested, then why do you want a man who doesn't want you?
LW, let him go. Do yourself the biggest favor of this year and leave yourself free to meet another man--hell, MANY more--who at least won't hide from you. The key is the least of what's going on here; it's merely symbolic of the life he has that he doesn't want you to know about or be a part of--and that's b/c he doesn't plan to keep you IN it as long as you're convenient and meeting his needs for now. Give yourself enough credit to see that you don't deserve this clown and his secrets; let him inflict them on someone else.
And there's no greater satisfaction than being the one to leave such an abysmal situation. It won't feel like it right now, but you'll feel better later on when you realize that you DID know when to leave the party.