Letters to the Editor
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Well
I can see the round and round conversations happening. They are interesting, but I don't think that this LW necessarily has a boundary issue. I see it more as she really likes him, so when he says bring your stuff over she takes it to mean, oh yippee he really likes me, he's letting me leave "stuff". A guy giving you closet space is generally a pretty big signal and I can see her leaving stuff then expecting a key to come later, a misstep, not a huge glaring oh man how could you. She thought the relationship was moving forward. Then when she was locked out of her stuff because he's away, she asked for a key, he said no. Then she did the appropiate thing and moved all her stuff back to her place. So I wouldn't fault her for taking a step forward with this guy and when he seems to be resisting she takes her stuff back. I see that as the natural consequence to his action of not wanting her to think the next step is moving in. So she says okay, then I won't half move in at all. Then he seemed to have thrown a hissy fit, but I want you to be here when I'm here and I don't want to go to your place so he offers a threat of well then, we just won't see each other so much. It could be he's not really into her, or it could be akin to saying you'll hold your breath until you turn blue because mommy won't buy you an ice cream cone. I think the only place she went wrong was when he made that threat, she should have just said well then, how about we don't see each other at all. But I understand that not all people are okay throwing the I'm outta here card before trying to fix something.
So I basically see her not having boundary problems, maybe just a little too patient and generous, which aren't bad traits in a person unless you start letting people use your virtues against you. So I don't think it's about a "key". Lots of people were only children so they didn't have to tangle with siblings over parental affection, space and toys, lots of people had parents who catered to their every whim and gave in to every demand.
I just see it as either he needs some training out of the idea that your girlfriend is just like your mommy who basically comes whenever you ring her bell or that this LW just needs to be able to pull the well I'll dump you too card, no matter how much it hurts.
You cry, you eat some ice cream, you call your friends to pick apart his every bad flaw, then you go back to doing what you did before you ever met Mr. I'm not giving you a key.
Relationships and signals are so nuanced that I don't want to just tell her this guy is a selfish controlling creep, maybe this quibble can be healed, but not by him giving her a key, by them communicating about equality, fairness, feelings and future goals, not logisitics.