Letters to the Editor
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On the other hand...
You know, this is a tough one for me. I agree with pretty much everything Cary said... about pulling back, about creating "natural consequences" for his decision to give over the key.
But, while I know Cary has to go with what he has, I really want to ask the LW to tell us more about their relationship. How long have they been dating? Are they exclusive? Do they take trips together or are they planning vacations? Does she know his friends and vice-versa? Does he talk about his family with her? I'd want to explore if they are sharing a bed or starting to share a life.
Because I think evaluating the motives of the boyfriend requires more of a sense of what kind of relationship they each think they currently have. The mental image of the LW waiting outside with the necessities to cook a fine dinner while the boyfriend does another set at the gym paints a bleak picture. But how does our image change if we hear that she decided to surprise him with cooking dinner and most nights they eat separately? Or if it turned out that he was 10 minutes late because of an accident on the roadway? Does your opinion of the boyfriend's decision to hold on his key change if you find they have only been dating for six weeks? We have all had friends and lovers waiting outside our door because we were late for one reason or another, but we'd only even think about handing out a key if it was appropriate for where we were in the relationship.
Having been on both sides of this situation, I suspect that this has to do with much more than a piece of metal. Although the LW tries to convince us (and perhaps herself) that having a key is simply a matter of convenience, I think most people would agree that that you don't just hand your access to your home to just anyone. It is a major relationship milestone (whether the person is a friend or lover) and, far from being the inconsiderate jerk that some of my fellow writers feel comfortable labelling him, it may be that the boyfriend simply does not want to send a message that does not match his feelings.
There will be some that assume I'm defending the boyfriend's actions. I'm not. I'm simply suggesting that this is not as cut and dry as some people seem to think. I don't deny the possibility that the boyfriend is a self-centered individual who wants the world to revolve around what works best for him. Cary's suggestion of spending less time in his orbit might be one way to shed some light on whether this is the case. But I'd also encourage the LW to consider whether it may be that her expectations of their relationship (which include unlimited access to his personal space) do not match her boyfriend's. If that is the case, then she should consider whether she is willing to wait until they do match or if she will be come so frustrated that it would be better to break things off before angry words are exchanged.