Letters to the Editor
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Normal issues vs. schadenfreude
I agree about people having the right boundaries, etc, I just think there is too much emphasis these days on people undergoing a complete psychological overhaul when relationships end, as tho there were something dreadfully wrong with them.
It would be one thing if the boyfriend was okay with the LW living out of her own place, but in a situation where he travels frequently, won't give her a key and objects when she makes her own apartment her home base, something's wrong.
I don't think anyone is as psychologically perfect as we're expected to be, and I also don't think any woman can love, give and cater a man out of his neuroses. He has to deal with them himself. In this case, no amount of making it pleasant or easy for him to cope when she's there all the time without having a key is going to encourage him to give up a key. Why? Because he's getting everything he wants without giving up the key!
Now, withdrawing won't necessarily encourage him to give her a key, either. He will likely see it as an arbitrary and malicious withdrawal of what he seems to think is rightfully his and will punish her, maybe by whining, maybe by withdrawing his attention in revenge, maybe even by breaking up with her.
Withholding the key is like hitting amongst toddlers: it's self-rewarding. He gets what he wants by the act itself, which is the LW tying herself in knots for his benefit. Either way, it's all about him. That's why I suggest break-up with no contact. It's the only thing that doesn't reward his behavior.
Being kind to other people's failings is one thing. It's compassionate, even laudable. This doesn't fall into that category, though. Rewarding destructive behavior isn't kind, compassionate or laudable.