Letters to the Editor
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one step at a time
Giving over the key is a level of commitment -- the buying groceries, sharing space, being home when the other person gets there commitment -- that this guy doesn't seem ready for. No sense judging him for that. That's how he feels. And he's pretty clear about holding that boundary, which is to his credit.
What's confusing is that our LW isn't getting that signal. She's proceeding with the groceries and the being there when he gets home even though he hasn't given her the signal that is what he really wants. Now, I imagine he's happy to have her cook for him and to have her company when she shows up, but this is not the same as giving over his key and making a permanent thing about it. In fact, perhaps he feels a bit bullied and rushed by our LW and instead of having that conversation, he's withholding the key to make the point.
I agree with Cary's advice. LW, dial back your efforts. See what the BF does. But also, initiate a conversation about where this is going. He might have a key swapping moment in his future, but just not right now. Once you know that, things will feel a lot more even in the power department.