How do I love thee, let me count the ways....

Let's start with this:

"And how much room is there in your marriage for your vagina?"

I have to say, from the outside it looks that either the husband is so aggressive that the LW feels unsafe or put down if she voices her opinions or pursues an interest, -or- she has serious conflict avoidance issues, or both. Either way, there's a pretty sizeable problem, if you ask me.

I read it, because I wanted to.

I don't think the LW has any problems with passive behavior. I think she's just been pretty well indoctrinated into the idea that your spouse/partner has a right to participate in/have an opinion on/know about every single thing that you do just because you're married. The LW needs to continue getting a life of her own - she didn't surrender her identity when she married, and there's no reason she should act like she did. Personally, I don't find it problematic that she doesn't discuss some of her activities with her husband. She knows him well enough to know which ones are likely to cause him and, consequently, the marriage, distress and is wise enough to avoid discussing them. As long as she's not engaging in activties that adversely impact their marriage (gambling, cheating, etc.), she's just doing what every smart married man or woman should do.

LW,

If you can't be you, 100% and all the time with your sig other, then what the heck is really going on? If You are concerned over not sharing a reading with your husband then he sounds a little stiff, and not in the good way.

Hang in there and forge ahead with whatever pathways you feel (within reason) are interesting. Give yourself permission to live fully without looking over your shoulder for the killjoy. Have fun and lighten up, like Cary is suggesting. Great one Cary!

Disagree. The test of a good marriage is whether you can be yourself in it. The LW clearly can't or won't.

He'll be more angry about being told after the fact than he will about her actual participation.

Plus, conservative politics don't have very much to do with vaginas or who is talking about them. At least not my brand of conservative politics. Unless she happens to be married to Rush Limbaugh in which case: duck and cover.

Her not telling him about it will leave him to think that it was something to be ashamed of and therefore solidify his anti-vagina monologue stance.

Without knowing the personalities herein, I think the LW should say to her husband, "Y'know what? I did a V-monologue the other night, and had a great time doing it! And it was for a good cause, too!" He might go harrumph, harrumph, don't care for that sort of thing. Whether he does or not shouldn't stop LW from being who she is and doing what she wants to do (without breaking her vows).

Being in a relationship or marriage where one person might attempt to stifle the other's exuberance and/or creativity, or ridicule it or put it down, is not much of a life (been there). But if there's a lot of good in the marriage, keep it going. Just don't be afraid to be who you are and experience what you'd like to do. Maybe ol' hubbo will come around and realize that he has no business approving or disapproving of what you do, and appreciate you for, among other things, standing up for yourself.

If he tries to give you a hard time, just laugh it off, saying, "Well, I got a lot out of it, and it doesn't hurt you, so you can be happy for me or not. But I'M happy for me, and that's what's important. And, by the by, I'd like to be happy for you, as well. What would you like to try that you'd find interesting?"

Life is really short, LW. You sound like a neat person and are entitled to shout from the rooftops about your enthusiasm and involvement. Good for you! It would be great if your husband was supportive and got a kick out of what you do. But if he isn't and doesn't, don't stop being yourself. If you do, it's something you'll undoubtedly live to regret.

You go, girl!

Hopefully, whatever That was implies the columnists has a sense of humor tonight. That being said, you talk about your own life a lot in this column which led me to wonder about if you'll write memoirs. Then, you talked about your own troubles writing, workshops, etc., which led me to believe you just may.

Today, I'm wondering if I'd read those memoirs and feel jipped (gipped?) if that homo-erotic imagery of the greaser at the gas station doesn't have a part in it.

(The answer being "probably.")

@rooibos: Well, you wouldn't be the first person to disagree with me, but I your view is also a symptom of the pervasive belief that one has to "be yourself" in your marriage. This may come as a shock, but people do marry others that don't share all of their beliefs, hobbies, political views, etc. Yet, the couple finds that each of them has redeeming qualities and enough love to forge a partnership anyway. My parents managed to stay married 30 years despite their radically different political views. How did they accomplish that? Well, they never discussed politics. Ever. They each knew that, in deference to their spouse, they would live and let live, and get their needs met with regard to politics by dealing with others. If either one of them had insisted upon parading around, thrusting their opposing views on the other in the name of "being themselves", it never would have worked. In my humble opinion, successful relationships flourish when each party acknowledges and respects the differences of the other. "Be yourself" does not mean provoking your partner on an issue they don't happen to share.

Now, the LW in this situation may not have such a partnership. It's entirely possible that her husband enjoys trumpeting his political views regardless of what his wife happens to believe. Not smart, in my opinion, but it's up to the wife to say for herself what's really going on in that relationship. In any event, she's respecting her spouse by not provoking him with her activities. If he finds out and chaos ensues, then they will need the help of a third party to find a way to exist in the peaceful harmony I spoke about above.