Letters to the Editor
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Two words: FOSTER CHILDREN
1.) You say you could love any child that comes into your house. They need love. And discipline . . . and someone to listen to their milk burps.
2.) You say you cannot afford adoption. Amazingly, the foster fam system pays YOU. Win. Win.
3.) You say you are grieving your decision to be childless. Well, now you can have a brood.
Might they have problems? Sure. But, you couldn't guarantee yours wouldn't either. Might they be loving, hopeful, helpful and grateful? Oh yes, there's a good, good chance of that.
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Loss of Expectations
If it makes the LW feel any better, there are multitudes of women in her position. Not just the infertile, but also single women who always expected to be married with kids, and then their thirties tick by... and it doesn't happen. Meanwhile, society becomes more and more marriage/ baby obsessed, and single women are left without any sense of social support.
So, those of us in that boat are also struggling to find "a new dream."
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Perspective of someone who has been there too....
Oh LW, that was beautifully written and I was overcome with emotion. It is as if you looked into my heart and wrote what you saw there. My husband and I have been through the exact same experience and we both feel so empty. You describe the dream that I had perfectly and you describe perfectly what it feels like when you realize after going down the infertile path long enough that your dream will never, ever happen. I too don’t know what else to do with myself. I have no real passions or interests. I too thought my contribution to life would be to raise a family in my little corner of the world. I could find plenty to enjoy in the short term – travel, go back to school, pursue hobbies, but I too worry about the long term.
I know that plenty of people with children feel the same lack of purpose that we do, but what we are dealing with is the loss of a dream so basic. And maybe we would not have been one of those people who feel purposeless even with children, maybe raising children would have fulfilled us enough – some people do feel fulfilled. And maybe we would have had our children and a tragedy would have happened to them or they would have become estranged to us as adults and we would have lost them anyway, but maybe not, maybe it could have worked out.
That being said, dear LW, I would like to offer you yet another perspective about adoption as someone who has walked in your shoes. Maybe give your self 6-12 months to not think about adoption or infertility. Just get back to living for a little while. Then revisit the option. I struggled with the idea of adoption for a long time after it became obvious that we would not bear children. Adoption was not an automatic answer for us – it was a very difficult decision to make. I took a hiatus on making a decision for about a year and then when I was ready, I made an honest effort to explore the adoption option. People just have no idea – I had no idea that it would be so hard to consider. For many of the same reasons that you mention and others including the desire to bear children that resemble my husband and I. All those hidden and maybe misguided desires that most people don’t have to think about when deciding to have children, but are there nonetheless.
Anyway, in the end we decided to pursue adoption because the thought of never having children to raise and love, was just too unbearable -- and I had given myself time to consider a childfree life, I even tried to accept it, but I just couldn’t. We have been waiting for over a year now (domestic, newborn) and I still question how all this is going to work out. All I can say is that I am trying to trust in the counsel of others who have been through the same thing. After my hiatus, I joined an exploring adoption support group and talked to others who felt like giving up on having children too, but went ahead and moved forward successfully with adoption and are now feeling that joy and fulfillment that you and I are after. Adoption has not yet worked out for me, but I am trusting that it will (sometimes I still resent that I have to go through all this, but I am trusting that will fade eventually). So far, it is a merry-go-round of waiting and disappointment, but it has given me hope and doesn’t leave me feeling empty the way contemplating a childfree life did. I wish you all the best.
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Other types of adoption.
You can adopt from your state's child services agency.
Without going into all the details, it is cheaper, faster, and potentially more rewarding that going through a private agency and waiting years.
Private agencies treat you like a checkbook.
State social workers will treat you like a hero.
The child will most likely not be an infant, and will certainly have been through much in its short life, but who cares?
These kids deserve stable homes and loving families as much as anybody.
Good luck in whatever you choose.
jb
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Don't give up on adoption
I have one biological child and one adopted child, and went through a few different infertility treatments before deciding to adopt. I know exactly what the LW means when she talks about how infertility makes you do things you would never, ever have predicted you'd do. Even though I had a biological child and regarded myself as a very pro-adoption, anti-medical-intervention person, it was very hard to give up that dream of another biological child. Very hard indeed.
I was only involved in the strange culture of infertility treatment for about 6 months, but I found it pretty soul-destroying. The fact that couples are prepared to soldier on for year after year of IUI, IVF and whatever else is testament to the strength of that natural desire for a biological child. After my experience (going back to the infertility clinic twice after I swore I was done with it), I wouldn't judge anyone who chooses infertility treatment over adoption. I do feel, however, that the infertility-industrial complex takes advantage of such couples' desperately strong desire, and the doctors tend to hold out one treatment after another. There's always something else to try.
For me, the bottom line was that I wanted to know that there would be a second child at the end of the road. The best odds the infertility docs could offer me were 50/50. With adoption there are risks too, but pretty much everyone who wants to adopt a child (and has the financial means) is able to eventually. The key word, I guess, is "eventually," and we've all heard those scary stories of prospective adoptive parents who get their hearts broken when the birth mother changes her mind. My husband and I worked with a small domestic U.S. agency that specialized in quick placements, and we adopted my daughter in under a year from the day we walked through the agency's door. I know several people who've had very good experiences adopting from Guatemala. There are ways to minimize the risk.
My daughter is now one, and I couldn't love her more if I'd given birth to her myself. Sometimes I actually forget that I didn't. I'm not one of those people who thinks that life is empty and meaningless without children, but it sounds as if you, LW, do truly want children. And if you can give up the dream of having your own DNA involved, it might be easier than you think to have a child.