Letters to the Editor
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Moving on to the next thing
This is a touching letter. The LW seems very level-headed and I bet she'll come through this well. Reading this letter I couldn't help think of some people I know locally who are very involved in a project with a sister community in Nicaragua. All year this group raises money locally and then 3-4 times a year there are week long trips down to this village. Not everyone goes every time. But one woman I know who goes always talks about her "family in Nicaragua", because that's what these people have become to her.
I hope the LW can look at her situation and see the silver lining - that she and her husband have the freedom to travel and become involved in more than the usual way in a charity or cause of their choice. Maybe it would be the Peace Corps, or an Afghani orphan group, whatever. But those of the kind of things those of us with kids don't have much freedom to do. I'm not saying Nicaraguan children she visits twice a year are the same has having your own baby, but she and her husband might be able to find a different fulfillment in another way.
And don't forget, LW, now you can devote yourself to being the best damn aunt anyone ever had!
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A fertile and life-affirming response
As a woman who has suffered infertility, I read the letter with empathy but perhaps too many opinions. I wondered how Cary would respond. Would he suggest the thread that I had running through my mind, that adoption is really the way to go, that she must find a way to be a parent? I was humbled -- chastened, really -- by Cary's response: "you are grieving." As someone who usually moves straight to problem-solving, today I learned something about how life-affirming it is to actually listen to what someone is trying to say. So thank you.
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what if?
respectfully i'd like to point out the option of caring for a child that already needs a home. if you truly have a lot to give of yourself to a family this may be an option. it would be an enormous undertaking and one you may never wanted to consider but in our current world there are so many that have not.
for the record, i'm separated and don't know for sure, but i think that i may not be able to have children of my own. my ex and i were together for ten years and rarely used birth control the last five years we were together. of course, it may be him not me. but over the years the notion that i may not be able to get pregnant is something that i've pondered quite often and been very honest with myself about. in wondering what i would do were that the case, i decided that given the right circumstances (and yes, relationship—my ex wouldn't even consider it, understandably so) i would definitely explore the option of adopting a child from the system. a tough choice for sure. but one i know could be rewarding. we need to take care of our own, meaning we're all a part of our communities and in looking to our future selves, reaching out has got to be part of that future. pie in the sky, i know, but it's something to think about anyway. all the best, LW.
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Please consider foster parenting/adoption
The posters that are promoting this idea are wise. I've been through the infertility mill - injections, retrievals, implantations - the works. No go, and I had no success with my first husband about 14 years ago, either. My current husband and I will soon adopt overseas. That's the choice we made; it's a very personal choice. It's also an expensive choice, and so is domestic adoption, in some instances. If money is a problem - and that's what I intuit from your letter - please consider foster parenting. Perhaps that can provide you with the fulfillment you desire, and it would certainly benefit the child(ren).
I'm so sorry about your situation, and I wish you luck in whatever choices you and your husband make.
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Give it some time
LW, it makes perfect sense that you don't feel up for pursuing adoption (or surrogacy?) *now* but in a year or so, you might find yourself stronger. Sure, you need a new dream. But maybe at some point in the future, you'll be able to re-examine your old one.
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You get through it, but you don't get over it.
LW -- Thank you for sharing your story. I think I know how you feel, because my story is so similar. Often, I refrain from sharing mine because of the well meaning, but misguided, advice that others offer up for consolation only serves to compound the pain.
They'll say, "You should take this herb, or see this doctor, or stop trying and relax, then it will 'happen'" or "I know you said you won't(can't) adopt, but you should adopt." when they don't know how far you may have progressed down that path before realizing you aren't going any further. Then these well meaning ones ask for more and more details, wanting you to justify & defend (just like all that awful adoption paperwork) as if once they have all the facts they can offer a solution that you haven't yet considered. I know you've pretty much considered everything, and I also know that what you crave is something that they can't give you.
In my own story, we have been foster parents and have had a child whom we wanted to adopt. It did not work out. He is now restored to one of his birth parents, a decision I fully support. Having fostered, I will not suggest it as a panacea for the pain of involuntary childlessness. This is not meant to discourage anyone (with or without kids) who wants to foster. It's important and rewarding and aggravating and fun, but it doesn't erase the grief of infertility.
The challenge is how to create a full life that is different from the one we dreamt of all along. Thus far, I've tried alot of things (travel, work, foster parenthood, creative pursuits...) and all I've learned is that you get through. Not over, just through.
LW, I wish I had some words of comfort for you or some practical advice. I share your pain, and I hope you find the right combination of things to get you through.